justme2007 Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 Mom was supposed to start round 3 yesterday, but they said she is too weak.The chemo has only slightly reduced the cancer.She has another appt next week, but she told us she is pretty sure she will discontinue treatment. Doc said 2 weeks to 2 months w/o treatment. My Dad said he can't take care of her now and we need help from 8-5 p.m. We don't want her to go to a nursing home, and we're trying to figure out how to get someone in there to care for her M-F. I suggested that my brother and I could alternate giving weekend care, but now my brother said he does not "have the ambition" to do that!! Their baby is a few weeks old now, and his wife is not working so I don't really understand that. I am kinda p'od!!! Am I supposed to take charge of this whole thing myself!?!? I feel like we have three adults here and two are washing their hands of the matter. Anyway, I'm exhausted. I took care of her all weekend (wash face, brush teeth, walk to bathroom, change clothes, bring her food). Somehow I dragged myself to the office today, but I could so easily take a nap right now. I'm angry at my dad and brother . . . The hospice social worker said maybe it's more a matter of them feeling emotionally unable to care for my mom, as opposed to not caring, and that everyone copes differently. But then I am left holding the bag -- how is that fair? One foot in front of the other (big sigh). . . Sorry so long, Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 (((((Beth))))) I'm so sorry. It's just so hard. I wish your brother could be more help... maybe he will step up and help more than either of you expect when the time comes. Praying for you all as logistics are worked through.... And praying for the hurt in your heart, and for peace for you Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ernrol Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 Beth, It seems like you are getting all the work. This makes it tough. It’s better to have a team and as a survivor I believe there is always hope. I do not know the type of chemo your mom has had, but it sounds like she could be a candidate for Tarceva. The side effects may be more easily tolerated. I am not sure they uses Tarceva for sclc. I would at least ask the ocn. Stay positive, Ernie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 I am so very sorry that there is so much on you. There are many families that now matter how many in the family the work all falls to one person in the family. I pray that God give you strength for all that you have to do and prayers also for your mother. Carol C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enyaw061032 Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 Dear Beth: I feel your pain and worry and frustration, and it is a shame your Dad and brother don't have a better attitude about helping. I will tell you what I would do: I would ask your friend(s) or other relatives who might be more merciful if they could help you out. If all that fails, then could you hire a sitter to help out? My heart and prayers go out to you and your Mom Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 Some help, some don't. Some can't, some won't. Beth, some even walk way - family and friends. That's just the way it is - in almost all families. We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. Don't be angry. It's best to just accept people for who they are and not for what they do and don't do. Anger will ruin your life, your love, and your heart, and it will most definitely discourage your mother. Just try thanking and praising every little thing your brother and dad do and forget about what they don't do. If you end up having to do it all - well, it is what it is. For some reason, it sounds like God has picked you for this monumental task of caring for his precious child. Ahhhhh, what an honor this is. I guess he thinks you are the one. Some day you will look back and be blessed beyond your wildest imagination for how special this time you have with your mother will have been. Trust me - been there, done that. The rewards are awesome. Much love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 Beth i'm sorry your in the position your in but try and remember these two thought's and one is "what goes around come's around" and boy oh boy in my life time have i ever witnessed and experienced that. And lastly GOD will not give us more than we can bear,i know that is a old saying that sometime's make's one want to Yell out "OH YEAH". But sadly your situation is so common and i remember when my Cousin died year's ago how a family friend stepped in and did all the thing's the rest of the family was for any number of reason's unable to do. But more importantly in your case i feel your showing true love and compassion and sacrifice and you will recieve your reward in way's yet unknown.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justme2007 Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 Thank you all for your thoughts. My brother and I are going to their home on Saturday to get the ball rolling for a full-time caregiver (not just "companion"), at least during the week. I will worry SOOO much about her otherwise. The hospice people will come more often than the palliative care people too (same organization). She does have a Do Not Recusitate (sp?) directive in place too. We need to make sure the liquid morphine is going if/when her breathing starts getting really bad. She told me she is afraid of a painful death. Oh man, this is really stressful. I had no idea . . . And about the anger - - after some thought yesterday, I realize it is my job to make sure I am doing the best I can do and to worry about MY actions and responsibilities only. I cannot worry about/control my brother and Dad, and, yes, anger is quite self-defeating. They will do what they will do (or not do), and so be it. Thanks again everybody. This site really helps a lot. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bware21 Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 I have to agree with Peggy -- some just find it harder than others. But try not to judge them. Instead, understand that they are dealing with things in their own way. It's just so damn hard on everyone. Kudos to you for stepping up to the plate, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mary colleen Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 I can identify with your situation. One sister and I cared for my mom for 2 years before she passed. Though there are 9 siblings, we received little help. I recall the exhaustion, occasional resentment, and intermittent panic about how I was going to do it all. I agree that everyone is different. I assume now that those that didn't help just couldn't do it, and that my nature wouldn't allow me not to do it. I can tell you that I am now so grateful that I had the chance to do it, and that having cared for my Mom somehow eased my grief over her passing. I hope that you benefit from this hard situation and your efforts as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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