It has been a year....

[hollyanne]

I have no idea how a year has passed since my mom left this earth. A year since I lost my best friend, but also a year of making a new friend...as Caroline just turned one.

Right now, I feel as much pain as I did the day she was diagnosed and the day she died. I miss her more than I will ever be able to put into words. I feel as if there is a hole that will never be filled. I grieve for myself, for my dad, for her friends, for my baby who will never know one of the finest human beings who has lived.

Yet, I am grateful for a lot...that I had such a wonderful relationship with my mom, that she was able to see her first grandchild, that I was able to share birth and death with her. I am thankful that the overwhelming sadness has lifted, although it lurks around late at night always, when certain songs come on, when I look at certain pictures...and often when I look at Caroline who looks so much like my mom that it is amazing.

I thank everyone on ths site...many of you who are here today and many who I hope my mom is thanking in Heaven. If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said that I wasn't sure I would make it through a week.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make eveyone with this terrible disease well, that I could relieve all the daughters, sons, husbands, wives, moms and dads from worry about their loved one. I can't, but I can pray that all of you have moments of peace and joy during this "ride."

Please pray for us tonight as tomorrow will be a very tough day.

With love,

Holly

[Kasey]

(((Holly))),

I remember this time last year, I understand your grief, I am so sorry.

Love,

Kasey

[Maryanne]

I can't believe its a year alreay Holly. You were a wonderful daughter who was always there for you mom. You were very lucky your mom got to meet your Caroline.

Peace be with you, honey.

By the way, Caroline is beautiful, looks just like her mom.

Maryanne

[mamasbabygirl]

(((Holly and family)))

[Treebywater]

((((Holly))))) Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter. You made it through the first year without her. I know she is so very proud of you and so in love with her little grand-daughter.

[Nick C]

Holly, you are in my thoughts and my prayers.

I know you're hurting.

But at the same time I am so impressed with your ability to still see the good life has brought and continues to bring.

God bless for the rest of today and forward from here.

[ma's kid]

My prayers as well, sweet Holly.

Your daughter is just precious and she makes me smile every single time I see her pic.

Hugs,

Libby

[ErinC1973]

Holly,

I am so sorry I missed this yesterday.

But I have been wondering the same thing lately: how has it been a whole year since Mom has been gone? I swear that on New Yea'rs Eve I kept looking at the clock, wishing I could push the time back. I did NOT want to see 2007, because it's a new year that I haven't seen my mom. Maybe it doesn't make sense. But soon I will have to say, "I lost my mom a year ago." And now I have to say "I lost my mom LAST YEAR." I almost feel like when Isay that, people will think, ok, so she should be moving on. Today marks 11 months since I lost her. And I still can't stop thinking things like, "When she comes back...will she recognize the twins...she doesn't know Baby Ian at all, and Ian doesn't know her...I have so much to tell her...when is she coming back to us??

Oh, Holly...I know about that hole too well. It was blown into me the night I woke up from a sound sleep to the phone ringing...before I even answered it.

I so hope that you had a peaceful day yesterday. When we lost my stepdad to LC in 1999, I kept telling my mom that I was trying not to dwell on the day he died but a happy day, his birthday. God, what an idiot I am. I had such "words of wisdom" for her. Now, thinking about how I'm going to get through February 8th, the last day of her life, is enough to make me shake.

Caroline is such a beautiful girl. What a miracle she is, just like I say about Ian, in every sense of the word. My mom kept his ultrasound picture in a book she was reading and looked at it constantly. We put it in her casket with her. I wish so badly she could have seen him. He LOOKS like her. But, remember this: Caroline has the same blood coursing through her veins that ran through your mom's. That's something I am very proud of, because my mom was such a wonderful woman, and I hope that my children grow to have her good qualities.

My daughter, more and more lately, has been crying over losing her grandma. It just tears me apart. We went to midnight Mass, and I sat the whole time sobbing. I looked over at her, and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I miss Grandma." It's a hard thing to try to be strong for my 5 year old twins when I can barely hold it together some days. But I am also glad that they have memories of her forever. They kissed her goodnight every night and lived with her every day. It angers and saddens me that Ian will never know his grandma. It saddens me that Caroline was only held by her grandma a few times, and that she will never remember her touch or her face.

Thinking of you across the miles, Holly, and wishing so badly right now that I could hug you.

[Martha02]

I remember last year at this time really well. I remember reading your post that your mom was gone and crying and thinking in a few days will be my turn to lose mine. I think about the same things, I can't believe a year went by. My is January 14th. It's amazing how the wound opens up again and all that pain that you felt a year ago just comes back and the tears start coming again. My daugther looks like my mom too and when I look at her I see my mom in her. So that is comforting. Take care. I know this first anniversary it's going to be hard.

Martha