Treebywater Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 So lately.... I acknowledge that I am still grieving, and then I acknowledge that that feels 'normal.' I don't feel *done* with it. The waves still hit.... but they don't take me by suprise even when they do knock me off of my feet again. Life has changed so much in the 17 months since we lost Mom. Last year at this time, I remember standing at her grave just reeling going, "I never thought my life would look like this right now." I still feel that way, but it doesn't shock me. I don't reel. It just is. I get angry sometimes that 'old normal' things get so mucked up with the 'new normal' things. Lying on the ultrasound table the other day, finding out that this baby is going to be a girl too... Calling Daddy and his typically sedate reaction to "It's a Girl" being "ok..." In the 'old normal' that day would have just been joy and excitement and bubbliness, and sharing the news with everyone. In the new normal all that was over-shadowed by the fact that all I wanted was to tell my Mom. It's frustrating. There is a date for Dad's wedding.... And I'm the matron of honor. I'm so excited about it, but it's still certainly nothing I saw coming two years ago. People ask me how I feel about it all and I don't know what to say anymore. I think the best answer is, "It feels normal." It was the stuff before that I had the feelings about. Now I am happy. I have mixed feelings that I'm used to. I can acknowledge the fact that Dad and his fiancee have been very gracious about it all, and have made space for my feelings--or at least not tresspassed into too many areas that would make them worse--and I can accept it for what is now. It's the new normal. I am still so comforted by what my husband says--That it doesn't get easier, it just gets different. I don't think I could be ok with the idea of missing my Mom ever being 'easier.' But I can be ok with these feelings of 'normal.' So I go on, and my anxieties once again have more to do with husband's deployments and worries about Carolyn's colds and flus being something to be concerned about, and less about cancer. My brain is less consumed with the pain of missing Mom even though the pain is always there, and I work with this 'new normal.' I never really wanted it.... but as we say here, "It is what it is." So.... it's my job to live it and find the joy in it. I'm doing my best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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