New Normal

[Treebywater]

So lately.... I acknowledge that I am still grieving, and then I acknowledge that that feels 'normal.' I don't feel *done* with it. The waves still hit.... but they don't take me by suprise even when they do knock me off of my feet again.

Life has changed so much in the 17 months since we lost Mom. Last year at this time, I remember standing at her grave just reeling going, "I never thought my life would look like this right now." I still feel that way, but it doesn't shock me. I don't reel. It just is.

I get angry sometimes that 'old normal' things get so mucked up with the 'new normal' things. Lying on the ultrasound table the other day, finding out that this baby is going to be a girl too... Calling Daddy and his typically sedate reaction to "It's a Girl" being "ok..." In the 'old normal' that day would have just been joy and excitement and bubbliness, and sharing the news with everyone. In the new normal all that was over-shadowed by the fact that all I wanted was to tell my Mom. It's frustrating.

There is a date for Dad's wedding.... And I'm the matron of honor. I'm so excited about it, but it's still certainly nothing I saw coming two years ago. People ask me how I feel about it all and I don't know what to say anymore. I think the best answer is, "It feels normal." It was the stuff before that I had the feelings about. Now I am happy. I have mixed feelings that I'm used to. I can acknowledge the fact that Dad and his fiancee have been very gracious about it all, and have made space for my feelings--or at least not tresspassed into too many areas that would make them worse--and I can accept it for what is now. It's the new normal.

I am still so comforted by what my husband says--That it doesn't get easier, it just gets different. I don't think I could be ok with the idea of missing my Mom ever being 'easier.' But I can be ok with these feelings of 'normal.'

So I go on, and my anxieties once again have more to do with husband's deployments and worries about Carolyn's colds and flus being something to be concerned about, and less about cancer. My brain is less consumed with the pain of missing Mom even though the pain is always there, and I work with this 'new normal.' I never really wanted it.... but as we say here, "It is what it is." So.... it's my job to live it and find the joy in it.

I'm doing my best.

[Nick C]

Your best seems to be pretty darn good.

You're a tough one taking in so much and dealing with it with such grace.

I hear a lot of what you are saying, and it all has a lot of meaning for me. So thank you for sharing.

[Don Wood]

You're doing very well with it all. You have demonstrated living the "new normal" to a tee. Blessings. Don

[Linda661]

Thank you so much for sharing. I just hope I can accept that new normal just gets "different" with as much love and grace that you have expressed here when I'm further out in this process. You are a treasured role model to me in many ways from this board.

Warm hugs and many blessings,

Linda

[shirleyb]

Val,

Like Katie, I too can relate. The NEW normal is not so new any more, it is just normal. The saying that it is what it is, speaks for itself.

I know my life has changed too in so many ways yet I still think of Randy everyday. When certain events take place, I so wish he was still here to be with us to enjoy them, but then I remember he is still with us, in our hearts.

Thank you for sharing.

Much love and warm hugs. Your mother is so very proud of you!!

Shirleyb

[luvmydog2]

You are doing well. You find time to come here and help others. I can relate to your thoughts in more ways then one.

"Treebywater"]

I am still so comforted by what my husband says--That it doesn't get easier, it just gets different.

I like this and I am sure someone else needed to hear this also. We never know how our post is going to help someone else.

[ErinC1973]

Val:

It's been awhile. I am so sorry I have been out of touch. I didn't even know you were pregnant! I can't believe Carolyn will be a big sister. She's so lucky to have a little sister--Saoirse would be VERY jealous, although she certainly is her "Ian Bean's" favorite person by FAR.

And, after seeing this post about your anxieties, fears, and apprehension towards so many changes, I again wish I could be there with you. I just have such a strong feeling that we would be inseperable while our husbands were gone! Stu will be gone for the one year mark of my mom's death. So...I need to buck up and be strong. Hey, I know my mom would want it that way...

And again, I relate to your "new normal." I still find myself in situations where I am so angry, or excited about something, that I need to call and talk to someone, but no one is around. We have been looking for a new house, and I told Stu the other day that I feel like I need some guidance and advice from my mom, because she has always been there to help me with this kind of thing, but she's not here, and it's not natural for us to have to do something this big on our own.

Congratulations on your baby girl, and again I am so sorry I didn't know sooner. What a beautiful blessing she will be.

Thinking of you tonight...

[hollyanne]

Val -

This was so beautifully written, and I can relate to so much of it. I always say "I never thought my life would like this." My prayer that I said for years was, "let my parents live to be a big part of my childrens' lives." I thought that meant being sad if they didn't see them graduate from high school..... Yes, the new normal, I "get it." I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. i went from thinking I had the best life in the world to just being hit in the face...and then, I remember all the good things. I look at my friends who would have killed for a mom like mine or yours. I think part of the new normal is about constantly adjusting the way that you think about things...as you definitely have.

Oh sweet Val, I know it sucks, and I know you just "don't get over it" you just deal with it.

Love to you,

Holly