kimberliebishop Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Well its been 6 days since my mom died. I am still walking around in a fog. I had a total meltdown on sunday. I know its too soon for things to even feel remotely normal but why am I feeling so uneasy? When she became to sick and weak I brought her home with me. My husband and I moved out of our room and started sharing a room with our two boys...(12 and 13) so she could have some space. She was with my family for about 7 weeks. In the end she was pretty out of it. Liquid morphine and atavan every hour on the hour. My sisters were all here at my house when she died. We were all around her telling her that we love her and letting her know that it was ok to go home with my dad. I thought I was prepared for this. I dont understand why I am feeling so uneasy....No peace. I am second guessing all decisions I have made for her in the last month. I am unsure now that I was the right person to care for her....maybe she would still be here if someone else did.... On sunday we moved back into our bedroom and it was the hardest day of my life and I am not sure why. I have lost many people in my life....(Husband, grandparents, mother-in-law, brother, dad) WHY IS THIS BY FAR THE HARDEST!!!!! Why when she died did I not feel at peace? Why have I had this awful uneasy feeling ever since? Will it ever go away? I told my husband that I am going crazy....Its truly how I feel......Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Kim, I know. I can relate with EVERY feeling you are feeling. Although my experience is not exactly the same. I know the questions about was the care and decisions the right thing? But I gained peace and continue to gain more peace as time passes with that based on two things. 1) The way this was going to end was not going to change, no matter what different decisions we made...sure there may have been more or less time, more or less comfort...but ultimately, the rules of life were responsible for how it played out...not the decisions. And 2) every decision I made or supported Mom in making was done out of love. I know you did the same. You loved her so much and tried to do everything you could. When you do things with love in mind...you never made a wrong decision. And the uneasiness. I get it. Some days I am still uneasy. I equate it to before I was a CPA. Every morning I woke knowing I had to find time to study...frantic almost. When I finally passed the test, I still had a feeling like there were things undone...even though I was done. When Mom was sick I woke up with one priority every day. See if mom is OK, find out what is next on the Dr list...hop on line do more research...etc. When she was gone, my mind set didn't switch over right away. I still 3+ months later feel that urgency...but I turned that energy toward starting a foundation in her name...I don't know whether that's healthy or not, but that's how I dealt with the uneasy feeling. I get it. But it's 6 days...give yourself time and know we are here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Kim, Honey, you had to be up in arms. I am not sure why your mom was given such a short time from diagnosis to passing away, but I do know it was short. You were probably in fight mode and never really had time to come to terms (not that you ever really do) with or even process what was really happening. I also know that in this short time period, you were able to be your mom's advocate, rearrange your family's life and love her. That was plenty and quite beautiful if you ask me. Pat yourself on the back, you done good. Now, be gentle on yourself. This may be a long process for all of us. In the meantime, we're here to listen and we are lucky for that. ((KIM)) ((NICK)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 ((((((Kim))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 (((((((((Kim))))))))))) I believe that everything you're feeling is completely normal for someone that just lost a loved one. I think each and every one of us that have been caregivers have, at some time, second guessed ourselves and wondered if we could have or should have handled anything differently than we did. That just seems to be a standard part of the grieving process. You just weren't ready to lose your mom after such a short time. Six days is still a really short time. Just know that we're all here with you to hold your hand and help you through this. Just remember that you took very good care of your mom and did everything you could possibly do. You took her into your home and you and your family gave her love, care and support. I'm sure being near you is exactly where she wanted to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mary colleen Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Kim, I cannot imagine how anyone could have cared more carefully or well for your Mom than you did. You moved your family into one room for her. You gave her comfort and love. You controlled her pain. All mothers should be as lucky as your Mom was. I sometimes think that women who do this kind of intensive caregiving forget that we aren't responsible for everything that happens to a loved one - we are only able to make it as tolerable as possible. Maybe this is true of men as well, but I observe it more in women. We try to shoulder it all, when in reality only what we can do for that person is within our control. You did it all, and went above and beyond. Your Mom was fortunate to have you, and you did a wonderful job of caring for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Thinking of you, (((((Kim)))))) Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brsarah Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Kim I know how you feel. My mom has been gone now for nine days. I keep on recalling the sounds she was making shortly before she passed. I keep second guessing if I advocated enough for her to get more pain meds. All that ugly stuff comes right up in my head leaving me void of any peace as well. I think it may be different because its your mother. Mothers bring us into the world. By maternal bond we hold them in our center. I use to call my mother everyday. I feel your pain. Take it one day at a time. You did amazing things for your mom by bringing her to your home to pass. That is an amazing, beautiful gift. You gave her peace to pass with love and dignity. I suffer with not having brought my mom home. Either way, we who have lost a loved one always doubt our own efforts. You did good by your mom. Your in my prayers. Sarah. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen1 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not second guess the care you gave your Mother or any decisions you made. But also know that these are all normal feelings to have after we lose a loved one. I hate that the feelings of "did I do all I could have done? Did we not advocate enough? could I have done something to save her?" are normal. But everyone seems to go through this. You and I emailed and I have read your posts here. You absolutely cared for your Mom in the best way possible in every way. You took her into your home. You loved her and you were all there for her. That is the greatest gift anyone can give. Six days. I remember. I think I am still in a fog and it has been 4 months and 12 days. I think losing a beloved Mother leaves us with such a hole. Nothing fills it, but time will make it more tolerable. Nick had written to me when I was second guessing the events leading up to Mom's death that it wasn't the doctors or our decisions that took her life. It was the cancer - and its as simple as that. I too thought if we did everything perfectly somehow we could keep her. It was the cancer that took her and you made the experience for her as painfree and tolerable as possible and that is all you could do. Your Mom was very blessed to have such a wonderful daughter. It does get better...but then it dips again...and then it gets better for a time. We are all here for you. Please PM me anytime. Bless you for taking such good care of your Mom and now its time you take good care of you. You are in my prayers and again I am so sorry for your loss. k Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Kim: I wish I had some magic words to bring you peace right now....I can't add any more to what the others have already said, but my thoughts and prayers are with you. It's really early and the wound of loss is raw right now -- be gentle with yourself and know that you did everything you could, exactly as it needed to be. Warm and gentle hugs, Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Kim, Just want you to know that I'm sending prayers your way. Be patient and gentle to yourself. It takes time to recover from such a huge loss. Love , Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Q Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Kim, You have already lost your day, and now your mom. Losing your last parent often really slams people to the ground, and you do feel lost. Which is to be expected, because in reality you are now an adult orphan. It takes time to work through all of this, trite as it sounds. But I'm certainly no authority on this as I'm just 8 months out...Mom passed away in April and we hit the one year mark for my Dad's death on Monday. Big hugs to you. ~Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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