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Here we go again

Barbara Lea

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Husband Jim (soon to be 47) was diasnosed 11/05 nsclc, had upper right lobectomy 12/19/05, 4 rounds of carbo/taxol spring of 2006. NED 6/06. PET scan 9/06 showed few new nodules in left lung, pelural effusion, Jim wouldn't go to dr. for follow up visit. 12/14/06, sob, shoulder pain, thorasenthesis of pelural effusion performed, 2 bottles of fluid removed. 1/3/07 happy new year, fluid is malignant. Bone scan shows something suspicious in left iliac area. Trying to get Jim to go for CAT scan of pelvic area to identify, not budging. Pul. Dr. wants him to return to Onc. for more chemo. As of today, he is undecided. Has stated ever since he finished chemo that he would never do it again. He is a self-proclaimed hard headed redneck. I know it was the worse thing he has ever experienced, but he never got sick, just nauscious, no appetite, tired, total hair loss, etc. After chemo he gave up his job as a heavy equipment mechanic and in Nov. we started up our own business as a MAC tool distributor, figured it would be better on his body and health. I know part of him is choosing no treatment so he can keep the business going, but as the dr. told him, if he chooses no treatment, he won't be around to run the business. Our college son has rearranged his classes to night time so he can help dad and takeover if needed while he gets treatment. This still hasn't convinced him. Right now he looks and feels good, and I can understand his point that if chemo every 6 months is going to buy him another 6 months, is it worth 6 bad for 6 good? I am trying to be strong for him and told him I will stand by whatever decision he makes. But.....its so hard to stand back and wait. His 27 year old son showed up on our doorstep at Thanksgiving needing a place to stay. My son's girlfriend moved in 2 weeks ago because of family problems at home, and I have a 17 year old "drama queen" daughter. Plus we have (2) 7 month old lab puppies. We live in a small rancher and the craziness seems to never end. However, I just keep thinking that God has a plan sending me all these extra kids and puppies. His 27 year old was absent through most of his illness, so maybe there is a reason he is here now. This may be the time I really need him to help with his dad. Anyway, sorry to vent. I felt so strong the first time around, but this time I feel like a walking time bomb. Every song makes me cry, etc. I'm trying to be realistic in case he does decide to follow the path less traveled, like getting his inventory of tools, guns, will, etc. in order. I'm trying to get him to do things together that we haven't done in ahile, "just in case". We are going to Nashville next week for a tool fair, 4 days away from the madness of home. I have talked him into going to see Trace Adkins at the Grand Ole Oprey while we're there. In the past I would have to beg him to go. I think maybe he's thinking like I am, make some memories. Anyway, thanks for listening. If anyone out there who is on this path can shed some light on his view I would very much like to understand what he's thinking and going through. I know he is confused, scared and angry, so I am. I just feel so helpless and want to be able to help him on this journey.

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