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When is the right time?


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My dad lives alone, and my plan since the beginning of this has been to move in with him when he starts to need help. He is very independent and he's used to living alone, and I don't know how calming it would be to have a rowdy two year old, another big dog, and me in his house all the time...so I want to wait until it really is necessary.

On the same token, I would hate to let it go for two long and risk him being hurt or something while he is home alone. The thought of it is starting to make me more and more nervous...but I don't know the right way to go about this.

Any advice?

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I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. After reading your profile, your dad reminds me so much of my Dennis. I see that he's even a hunter, as was Dennis. Knowing when the time is right to move in is a tough question. Is your dad taking a lot of pain meds right now? It became necessary for me to have someone with Dennis all the time when his pain meds started to make him confused and a bit out of it. I worried about things like him taking the wrong meds, in the wrong doses. Maybe your dad would really like to have you there with him....especially to be able to spend more time with his grandchild. Men tend to be masters when it comes to holding things inside so if you're waiting on your dad to ask you to help, it may never happen. I'm here if you would ever like to talk.

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This is one of those times and one of those decisions where you just have to ask him.

My own experience taught me that whenever I did anything for my dad, I had to make it sound like it was MY need- not his. Maybe it was a guy thing, or simply just how my dad was- but if I said- "I'd like to move in to help YOU..." There would have been some serious stubborn and independant objection, whereas if I said something like

"Dad, I know you like living alone, but all this has really gotten ME insecure with being so far away from you. I need to help and just be with you and it would help ME so much to be able to be here for you all the time- just until you beat this thing." My dad would have accepted that and felt like he was helping ME. lol

I remember buying him a wheelchair. It was a horribly sad day because his chemo had made him so weak he couldn't walk from parking lot to infusion center/onc office.....Instead of admitting this temporary defeat...I made a sort of joke that instead of having to leave early- find a used hospital wheelchair for him to use while there- and wait and waste time in the waiting room, we could leave 5 minutes before his apt. time and I'd zip him in on his shiny new wheelchair right into his appointment...

That approach worked for us...

Good luck. Please keep us posted and I hope it works out the way it all should.

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Hi .. from a patient perspective let me say that the decision is not going to be easy for you or your dad. I live alone, out in the boonies and during my active treatment time I had 6 horses, 3 dogs and various other critters that I cared for each and every day. The 35 radiation treatments took a lot of get up and go out of me but I truly believe that having things that I knew HAD to be done kept me getting up and going when it would have been a whole lot easier to have kicked back and left it to someone else. You also mentioned a two year old. I have a wonderful grandson that turned two in October and I do love him dearly but he can wear me out with just his sheer energy and his ability to get the coughs and sniffles astounds me. Having said all of that I will be hoping that you and your dad can work something out. Being independent is very important to some folks.

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Depends on the patient. I point blank asked my mom.

She said she did NOT want me moving in, did not want to quit her job, did not want a shower seat...she also did not want to give up driving.

We let her call the shots until it was obvious when a change had to be made. I don't think there will be a date...just instances where your dad will agree to assistance in different formats.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am so thankful my Dad is with me, we are different in a lot of ways, I have made his room very comfortable for him He has his own phone line and easy chair, t.v. that kind of thing. His room is also in the quietest area of the house. My Dad really likes my home and is happy being here. That single thing gets me through the day. Being able to assist him in feeling safe and secure during this stage of his life is thr greatest gift I have ever received!

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