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Mom passed away yesterday


lennonsgirl

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She did not recover from the cardiac arrest. There was very little brain activity which changed to no brain activity Saturday afternoon. I gathered as much family as I could to the hospital to be with her as her body finished its functions. I laid beside her in the bed when they turned the machines off for one last cuddle together. She always told me she never wanted to be kept alive on machines if her mind wasn't there so I followed her wishes. I would've kept her on the machines forever, though, which would have been selfish. I am miserable and lonely b/c I miss her so much. We were great friends besides being mom and daughter. I don't know how I'm going to get past this and be "normal" again but I know she will help me. She was in a lot of pain from the brain lesions, though. So bad she was screaming out in pain. I never ever wanted to see my mother hurt so I told her on Friday that if this was too hard to do she could go and I would be okay. I could have sworn I saw her eye flicker like she acknowledged what I said but that could've been wishful thinking. I told her again Saturday morning after I said a prayer and I guess she made up her mind and I guess she did.

I will keep in touch with you guys still. You remain a comfort to me. KEEP UP THE GOOD FIGHT!!!

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you have turned a wery steep corner. My thoughts, prayers, and condolences go out to you tonite. If you need us to vent with or anyhting we are always here. This is a very difficult time and we will be here if you need to lean on us, let us know.

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Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I and my family really need it right now. This has been hard. Sometimes I feel eerily okay, sometimes I feel like I'm going to cry and never stop, sometimes I just want to sleep forever, but mostly I just miss her.

I'll tell you all a dream I had last night. I was at the hospital and two doctors told me my mom had come back. They did not understand how it happened because they had never seen it before. I'm like "What? What do you mean came back? You mean she wasn't dead and I took her off the machines?" They said, "No, it's not like that. She was dead but it's like she was gone three days and then just came back from nowhere." She looked beautiful (as she always did-she's a cutie) and was bopping around being silly and singing (like she always did). I see her and we talk and she's like "Yeah, I'm ok." Then she leaves and comes back and she's doubled over in pain and reaches her hands out to me and says, "I just cannot take the pain." Then I woke up. I want to believe she came to me to give me peace about my decision and about her leaving. Some of you might think I'm crazy but I believe she was checking in on me to let me know all was okay with her.

For those of you dealing with this, especially the children of lung cancer or any cancer patient, HANG IN THERE. We have to know that everything we've done, whether it "works" or not, has been so worth it!!!!!!!!

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