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It hit me hard today...


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First I want to say you guys are great. I posted a few days ago and the responses I got were so comforting. You guys really know what I'm going through, and I thank you for giving me some sense of normalcy...

I think I had a breakthrough today, in the sense that I realize when things get bad for me. Specifically, it's when I go to my parents' house (to see my dad). If my sisters are there with me, I'm pretty okay, but when I'm alone with my kids and/or husband, I just lose it. Before my mom got sick, I would take the kids there at least once a week and we would have a blast - my mom would bake brownies with my son, she'd take the kids in the backyard and let them dig in her garden, she'd cook a wonderful dinner for them and always tuck them into the van with a treat to eat on the way home. After she got sick and started chemo, the kids would run in the house and go right to the Purell bottle before they ran up into my mom's open arms. Gotta keep the germs away from her! We were all so close. That whole house is such a reminder of her. There's not a room in it that allows me to escape the memories - it's like she went to the store and never came back - everything is HER.

I went today and my dad had all the Christmas decorations/stuff piled up in the family room, for my sisters and I to go through and take. He also had out a lot of her cookware and tupperware and stuff like that out. I just looked at it all and fell apart. My dad's upstairs yacking to my husband about the new sports car he got and I'm downstairs coming apart at the seams.

I went to get the baby to feed him, and I took him upstairs to find a comfortable place...my old room? Nope, too many memories. How about the room with the crib my mom so lovingly set up? God no, too painful. My parents' room? Sitting on the bed feeding the baby, looking at her dresser with her perfume and pictures and knick knacks from her grandchildren? And the chair that she would force herself to crawl out of bed and sit in when she was at her sickest...the one the paramedics lifted her out of when she left the house for the last time in an ambulance? I finally opted for her room and just dealt with it.

While we were there, I ran out to the bridal store with my three-year-old daughter to try on a flower girl dress - my niece is getting married in March and my mom could not WAIT. It was one of her goals when she was sick. Even that trip to the store was an ordeal, looking at my daughter twirling around in the mirror in her gown and saying, "Mommy, would Nana think I'm as beautiful as a princess?" Then on the way home I heard "You Got a Friend" on the radio and cried at how it mirrored my mom's devotion to me and to all of the people she loved. "You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am, I'll come runnin'..." My mom did that many times in my saddest hours...I would call her, and she would unquestioningly jump in the car and come to me. She got me through some rough times.. and I tried to do the same for her, in the last year. But I feel like I never got a chance to repay her for all she did for me...I couldn't save her in the end.

Once again, I could go on and on about her, but I'll stop now. Thanks everyone, for listening. I wish you peace and some comfort, whenever you can grab it...

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I can relate so well with your feelings and emotions. It is the hardest thing ever for me to go through. Going through her "things" is the hardest thing I have ever done. My mom lived two blocks from me, so.....I have to drive by everyday like I have for seven years and I still look to see if she is "home". The feelings never leave, I think it just gets a little less painful, everytime I am there. God bless and I pray for comfort.


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I'm so sorry your feeling so much pain.. I experience the same feelings when I go to see my Mother, I feel like the house is just a house and not the home we had so many good times in. My Mother is trying to sell her house because she can't stand the memories and being there with out my Dad. Does your Dad mind being in the house or does it bother him? Take care!

Love, Michele


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