im ok (sometimes)

[crystleshoe]

sometimes i feel like i cant breath and that i will never make it thru the day and then something will happen or someone will say something and i know that we will be ok. I guess I am most surprised by the way the emotions smack me in the face. My husband took me out to dinner yesterday cuz hes worried about me sleepin too much and we were talking about mom and i was really ok and then he said something and i just started crying and then he was crying and the poor waitress didnt know what to do.

I know that i did everything i could do for my mom but i still have a feeling that if I just did something else or did something differant she would still be here.

We didnt get to the hospital in time to be there for her last breath and even though she was in a coma like state i am so afraid that she was scared and i am having a hard time forgiving myself for not being there.(we were making funeral arrangements) she went so quick that by the time we got there she was gone. We thought that we would have hours after we took her off the machines but i guess she was in a hurry to get to heaven. I never expected the pain that i am feeling. I dont know what greater purpose there is to all of the suffering she had to endure (and now it continues for my dad). Im just glad that her pain is gone.

[RandyW]

Deb said good nite to me the nite shepassed. Gave me a kiss and said I will see you tomorrow. Took her stats at 245 am and gave her a breathing treatment. SHe got up and sat in her recliner and just stopped breathing at 300 am Jan 20 2006. I used to cry in the grocery store and the cashiers would come help me out for a while cause they knew her and we used to have so much fun grocery shopping.

You never know when or how or what to expect with this disease. Pray that today is a little better than yesterday.

[Judy-OK]

Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. My mom was in a coma like state for quite awhile before she passed. She did not have cancer but was removed from machines much like your mom. Someone was up there near her for hours and hours and hours on end BUT when the time came she slipped away while no one was looking. I truly think she wanted it to happen that way.

[trish2418]

My heart just aches for you. Your family remains in my prayers.

Trish

[MsC1210]

I am so sorry... Please know you and your family are also in my thoughts and prayers.

Christine

[Nick C]

Crsytle,

I've prayed a lot for you. I know you are experiencing such anguish.

You don't have to be "OK" this just happened.

I'm 3 1/2 months in, and I'm still not 100%, and won't be tomorrow either.

And I've actually cried in a resturant too, luckily it wasn't that crowded.

Just hang in there. We're here.

[Treebywater]

I agree--ok is not important now. Right now, just focus on breathing and doing what may be in front of you to do.... and don't sweat it if THAT is too difficult.

We all second guess ourselves. My Dad was sleeping in my Mom's room when she left us.... I have wished so hard that I had decided to sit up with her--wished it a million times... but I know she knew we were with her even if no one was holding her hand.

Be gentle with yourself. You loved your Mom through her illness so well. She was wrapped in your love when she left.

((((((hugs))))))

Val

[Don Wood]

Playing "what if" is a losing and hurtful game. It cannot change anything and only prolongs the suffering. Your loved one would not want you to go through that. A book a counselor gave me on grief has a whole chapter on "You Did the Best You Could". I believe that, and I hope you will, too. Don

[lennonsgirl]

Hi, Crystle:

I know exactly what you're going through. Mom died on 1/13/07, had to take her off the machines because there was no brain function. It was so hard. And I am doing a lot of "what if I would've stayed in the hospital room that night? Maybe I would have realized she was going into cardiac arrest and then this would've never happened." I told my Dad and he said, "Don't do that. Think of all the things you did do and if you hadn't have done them, how would things have turned out?" I know he's right but this hurts like hell. I'm having a really hard time tonight...the funeral is tomorrow and I'm trying to find words to say to speak at her service but I just want her to hug me one more time, smile at me one more time and I won't get that...But you know what? She's not in pain anymore...I'm trying to force myself to focus on her and what was best for her and not for me...We'll make it thru this all some how.

[jasmine1963]

I am with you in thought through this "part" of the cancer.. it is a part of the whole.. My family has expressed concern for me later on. My dad is my focus and complete responsibility, he's stage four non operable non small cell lung cancer, it's moved into his lymp sys. and destroyed part of his rib cage and breast plate. The Dr's aren't giving me any idea of prognosis. I am the most calm and logical that I have ever been in my life, bring it on I can handle whatever it is... or so it seems.. I manage a restaurant full time also. I find lately I have more and more trouble sleeping or even sitting still. I know there will come a time for me to deal with the emotions but right now my Dad looks to me and if I'm o.k. he's o.k. type of thing.. I was wondering if you were in the same role with your mom?