The blues...Updated

[TracyD]

Hey there, who ever is out there tonight. I've just sat for an hour feeling so sorry for myself, and I don't know what to do. I'm not one to often give into those feelings, but tonight they just won't go away.

My little girl Alexandra (5), stayed home from school today because she is sick. Nothing serious, at least not yet, just a fever and a bad cough. I cared for her all day and tucked her into bed tonight and told her that I would always take care of her.

Now I'm sitting here in the peace and quiet thinking that life is just so unfair, chances are I won't be here to take care of her. Please understand, for the most part I am very upbeat and positive and all those things, but I'm no Pollyanna, I know what I'm facing. I believe that I will be one of the lucky ones that survives this ... but what if I'm not?

I'm so angry tonight, I keep wondering what I did to deserve this. I belive that God has a plan, but I don't know what it is!!! Am I supposed to be doing something? Am I supposed to be making some big change in my life? What does God want from me?!!!

My son Joe is nine and he is so angry. My husband is out tonight and Joe can't even sleep until everyone is home and in their bed where they belong. He is so scared.

Samantha is turning twelve in two weeks, she is on the cusp of becoming a teenager and she needs me so badly, even though she thinks I'm a comlete idiot.

Some days I can pretend that all is well, but other days I feel like someone is just laughing in my face, saying you have lung cancer, be serious. I want to live to be 100. I want to grow old with Charlie. I want to see my children grow to be the amazing adults I know they are destined to become. Is that too much to ask?

I'm sorry for unloading all this, I just can't seem to shake it tonight. Thanks for listening.

Tracy

[Kasey]

(((((Tracy)))),

I am out here tonight. I wish I could answer you and that you would feel all better, but I can't. I am angry too.....and I bet there are others ~ too many to count ~ angry too. I have been trying to figure out God's plan for a long time now. Never could.

LC is an unfair disease, that is for sure. You know I believe there will be new tx ready for you (us) when we need it. But that is a weak support when feeling like we do sometimes. You should be able to tell Alex that you will always take care of her because that is the way it is supposed to be. And I know you and I both know the truck can get anyone at any time, but that is so different than feeling that you have been placed in its path already, ya know?

So, no great words of wisdom and I am sorry. I just wanted you to know that someone is here listening. You are never alone for always you are in Fred's and my thoughts and prayers. You and I know that tomorrow or the next day you will climb outta that hole and get on with the journey. But just sometimes, we do have to let our hair down (now that you are growing yours in) and just feel angry, sad, afraid.

Much love and I am awake if you want to pick up the phone.

Love,

Aunt Kasey

[mary colleen]

Tracy: Of course, you know that you don't deserve to have cancer - you know that unjust things happen to innocent people all of the time.

I'm so sorry that you're having this overall struggle, as well as the unease tonight. There is nothing more natural (and inevitable)than a mother worrying about being there for her children.

My prayer for you tonight is for you to have peace.

You're not alone!

[Andrea]

You would be abnormal if you didn't feel that way. It is unfair and there are no answers.

You have such a great attitude, it is so admirable.

Hang in there

[Treebywater]

(((((Tracy)))))

I don't think you got Lung Cancer for some divine purpose or plan... I think that would make God mean.... But I am not God, so what do I know?

I don't get why the terrible stuff happens.... and it just hurts.

I am praying that you are going to be tucking that little girl for a long time to come, and then tucking in her kids.

And I am praying that you will find some peace tonight.

Val

[ernrol]

Tracy,

We all get these thoughts at one time or another, even when we are getting good reports. The thing we have to do is to get back on track as soon as possible. You say you are wondering what God wants you to do; I am sure in time you will know. We just have to keep telling ourselves that we will survive and for a long time. Make long range plans. I am already planning to run next years half marathon even though I know what a struggle it will be to run this Sunday. I can remember one time I thought why buy a new tube of toothpaste, I’ll probably never use it. As time passed I learned what God wants me to do. Everything began to fit in. I became a Stephen Minister in our church. Then the next thing I knew I was going to Stephen Ministry Leadership training so that I can train new ministers. Like you I have been very busy on some web sites.

When I felt down I would read some verses that people had sent me. You can find these in my story forum Prayer always helps. Knowing that people are praying for you helps. We need to take all the positive things we can think of and put them together to help us maintain a good attitude.

You say that you pretend that all is well some days. If everything went well that day and the sun comes up in the morning, then you were not pretending, it did go well. One day at a time is not just for cancer survivors, it is a fact of life for everyone.

If you have not read the book Fighting Cancer by Richard Bloch, I recommend it Richard Bloch was told he had 90 days to live. He chose not to believe his doctor and died 26 years later of heart trouble at 84. Go to this web site. You can select any chapter from the top of the screen. You can print out the entire book or get a free copy sent to you by clicking on “How to get a copy” to the left of screen. This is a great book. I did not read it till after I went into remission, but I had done just about everything that is recommended in the book.

http://www.blochcancer.org/fighting/fightcan.html

Then you can go to this site and click on a “Letter to newly diagnosed cancer patients” There is a good statement about the 6 things you need to beat cancer.

http://www.blochcancer.org

Maybe something there will help you through the tough times.

Tracy I will pray that God reveals the plan he has for you.

Stay positive,

Ernie

[carolhg]

Tracy, It is all so very, very unfair. It is like always waiting for the other shoe to drop, maybe it will, maybe it won't. I pray that you will have a very long life with your husband and your children. I pray and pray Dear God for a cure for this awful disease.

Carol

[Frank Lamb]

Tracy,I am sorry you have all this on your plate.I am lucky being older that our kids are all old enough that we are spared many of the uncertainties going with the younger children.

You are right it seems cancer has a way of really taking you to the limits.It has been doing a number on me lately as well and it is not easy for anyone or anything to get the best of me.

Please allow me to step in the ring with you and Aunt Kasey and throw a few punches at it myself.I too am up at this early hour and would enjoy kicking some cancer butt right now.

[RandyW]

since I got the BOO HOOs Can i be the bucket boy today I hope today brings a little peace and comfort. I miss the Bad days with Deb like those. At least my shoulders are dry to cry on, and I can always listen to everybody. i hope you have lots more bed time tuck ins with the crew at your house. thisis what I wish for.

[ginnyde]

Tracy, I can't begin to understand how you feel. I just want you to know that I pray for all lc survivors everyday. And I believe you have the right to go to the dumps every once and awhile, but please try to pull yourself out and enjoy each day and your wonderful family.

[Jyoung20]

Hey Tracy,

WOW!! You took the words out of my mouth. Many times I have thought about the future and what it holds for me and my family. Being young and having this disease is hard and not fair. But, GOD does have a plan for you. I have asked the same questions and talked to friend that is very spiritual and as close to GOD as anyone I know. Here was her response, "She said that first you have to get down and put your nose to the floor and pray for those answers that you are needing.. She said,you also have to open up and let him in so he can show you these answers. I have tried to do this and YES! I have found answers and witnessed miracles just by opening my eyes to them. I have a pretty good idea what God wants me to do... and I keep doing it. Believe it or not, before cancer I was not very close to GOD..But things are different now. I need him in my life...I need to know that he is with me holding me up...I feel I have reached a new level in my existence. I know why I am here and I know what I have to do!! Keep the faith Tracy and I know you will find your way!!

I also wanted to tell you about a book that may help answer some of your questions....It's called, "When God and Cancer Meet" by Lynn Eib. It was given to me at the beginning of my cancer journey. On page 31, there is a story about a young man who was diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 48. Never smoked, Exercised just about every day nd had no family history of any cancer. Two confused teenage sons and a very ticked off wife. As I re-read this story I'm in tears because of what GOD can do and what he will do.. A short excerpt from this story, "Every time a believer struggles with sorrow or lonliness or ill health or pain and chooses to trust and serve GOD anyhow, a bell rings out across heaven and the angels give a great shout. Why? Because one more pilgrim has shown again that he or she understands that Jesus is worth it all. God is faithful." In the book it also states that life is unfair but GOD is not life...He is much bigger than that..Trust in him and be faithful in this life and all things will be fair in the next life!!!!

GOD BLESS YOU TRACY!!

WE LOVE YA!

Jamie

I'm praying for you to find comfort and the answers you need!!

[raneyf]

Tracy,

I feel a lot like you do and don't know what to do about it. It's not often I can even go 1 day without crying. I can't even look at commercials for the movie preview "Catch and Release" because it makes me so upset - It's about some woman whose fiance died at 29 and then she meets someone new. All I can think of is my poor boys and husband. Then, what if they get a new wife/mom, and equally as bad, what if they don't get a new wife/mom. I know this isn't all that inspiring, but I just thought I'd let you know I understand how you feel. I guess that makes us normal, but it's still so hard to deal with.

Take care,

Raney

[Geri]

Tracy, I hope you're feeling better this morning - maybe just voicing it to those who understand helped.

I know a little of what you're going through as a mother except that Karen was 25 and out on her own when I was dx.

The crappy thing about cancer is that it takes away your peace of mind. This dip you've hit in the emotional road will even out again and your positive thoughts will be back in front helping you through it all.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this, take care.

Geri

[Connie B]

Hey Tracy,

Those dreaded blues... The bad news is they come, and they make us feel hopeless and helpless, the good news is, they go away. They come and go, but when they come, holy cow, do we feel totally alone.

I can totally relate to what your saying here. I only wish I could make it all better and tell you everything you WANT to hear and everything you DESERVE to hear. But even doing that isn't going to change the picture. Having LC is not FAIR. Nothing about it is fair.

I can only share with you about me. 11+ years ago, I didn't think I would be here to see my my kids get married and have kids/give me grandkids, and as luck would have it, here I am all those years later.

I'm a very happy grandmother and I've had some very wonderful moments and memories these 11+ years with both of my children and I had some tragic and very sad moments and memories with my both my kids (having lost my son). But, some how,(and I honestly don't know HOW at times) I can only give most of the credit to my dear Lord above, and the love and support of my family and friends, I made it through it all. But believe me, even after 11+ years, I still have my up and down days with this cancer crud!

Your going to have those dreaded down days, and your going to feel that helpless and hopeless feeling,(it really is the worst) but always remember that this too shall pass. It WILL GO AWAY. And anytime you need a rope when you think your sinking deep in that hole, you know right where to find us. (((((((TRACY))))))))))

Cancer Sucks!

[Patkid]

((((((((((((my survivor family))))))))))

I love you guys and am here for you , somehow, someway. I care so much.

Love

Pat

[ztweb]

Hugs to you Tracy. Stay strong.

Jen

[trish2418]

I sure feel your pain, Tracy! Most days I'm able to stick my head in the sand and ignore the pink elephant in the room. Other days the elephant is standing on my chest and I can't think about anything else.

I don't know how much time I've got left, but whatever time that is, I don't want to waste it by worrying about things that I can't control. For the first time in my life I got a prescription for sleeping pills to help on those nights that the bad thoughts escape from that part of my brain that tries to keep them in check. During the day I try to keep my mind occupied at all times so the bad thoughts can't creep in. I don't always succeed, unfortunately, but I have many more good days than bad days.

I hope you're feeling better today and good luck trying to keep the demons in place.

Hugs,

Trish

[Heather_T]

I am not good with words but I do understand what you are feeling. I go through it about 2 nights a week. Can't sleep and those crazy thoughts go through your head. I try counting to go to sleep then the monsters come back so I start counting again. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. No family should have cancer. It is a terrible thing to have to fight. Keep fighting!!!

[Kathleen1]

Tracy, I have no words of wisdom but you are in my prayers for a long long life.

[marym]

Hi Tracy,

Hope today you are feeling better. I guess it just isn't easy to ignore the reality of this disease - and how difficult it must be for all those who have young children.

I personally try really hard to focus in what is good in my life..and so much is, but at times, you just give in to feeling sad. It's normal and necessay.

Anyway hope you are able to shake the blues.

Mary

[Ry]

Tracy,

Of course we understand. No one gets out of this without a good wallowing now and then, whether you are a patient or a caregiver. I think it is hard with young children. You want so much for them and to be there for them. I want my kids to have their dad here for a long time, I hope they do. They say everything happens for a reason-- I can't find a reason for this.

[MEA]

Tracy,

Thinking of you tonight and hoping your day was better. God Bless,

Mary

[dadstimeon]

We all have are moments and very understandable with 3 young kids--all the more harder. We all want to be here for our family's. As to why who knows. We can't change the past, we can't control the future but we can take each day and make the best of it. Hang in there it will pass.

[mary colleen]

Tracy, hope things are better tonight.

[Don M]

Hi Tracy. I hope today was a better day for you. I slip into a funky mood from time to time too. But I always pull out of it, because having lc is bad enough. I can't spend all my time being in the dumps.

I suppose having lc has helped me to be more compassionate. But, I think I have learned enough of life's lessons and want to get off the cancer train. ah if I only could....Well, there is still a chance I think. I hope you stick it out too. If we can all just make it 5 years or so hence, there will be a lot of breakthroughs to finally whip lc and whip it good.

Don M