Three weeks today

[kimberliebishop]

It has been three weeks today since my mom died. Its not any easier today than the day she died. How do you get over or move on from the realization that you ultimately made the decision that took her life...I am a rational person...I know I didnt give her lung cancer....I know that I couldnt save her...But I made the decision not to treat her pneumonia and in two days she was gone. If I had just done what I wanted and admited her into the ER and treated maybe she would still be here....I was so afraid to loose hospice that I chose not to admit. I thought it out...If I admit her and she makes it through this (which the ER Dr. said she probably wouldnt) what am I going to do. I will be all alone and I was scared. I could have taken her home and given her antibotics but by then she couldnt swallow pills. I didnt think that would be good for her mental peace...me trying to get her to take a huge pill and her crying cause she couldnt. So I took her home and did nothing....no treatment...no meds....nothing....two days later she was gone....The two days were pure hell....she was so uncomfortable...in so much pain....I would call hospice and they would say well I will talk to the Dr. and see what he thinks....Hours later they would tell me to up her pain meds......I am so mad at myself....why didnt I just up the meds...was I worried I was going to O.D. her....how stupid that sounds....I finally lied to hospice and they came over and helped me with the meds....Morphine and atavan every hour...it made the world of difference for her she could finally rest.....But for two days she cried and cried in pain and discomfort.....I just dont know if I will ever get over this...Maybe I took precious days from my mom....How do I know I made the right decision for her.....God this is a nightmare.......Kim

[justme2007]

((( Kimberly ))) I wrestle with my choices with my mom too. When I start down that path though, I stop and tell myself that what's done is done, and the past cannot be changed. I just practice acceptance of the choices I made. It really helps me with peace of mind.

When my mom became unconscious and started breathing so heavily (like gasping), I remembered her telling me days before that while she wasn't afraid to die, she was afraid of pain and an uncomfortable death. So when hospice suggested increasing the morphine to calm the breathing (with the doc's okay, obviously), I went with it - - aware of the obvious risks. I gave her her last morphine dose at about 10:45 a.m. and she died minutes later. Did I "cause" or "hasten" her death? Maybe so, but our goal was comfort above all else. I just can't go there, or I'd go biserk. Peace,

Beth

[Nick C]

Kim,

I tried to treat mom's pneumonia, and she was gone in 16 hours. Whether you treated or not may not have made one bit of difference. Maybe not one minute.

I wish I could do something to take this away from you.

I'm so sorry hospice didn't assist you with the administering of pain meds earlier. But that isn't your fault!!! I wouldn't know what to do either.

I can so feel your sorrow about this. And I am trying to step into your shoes and I am actually feeling panicky. This was the impossible situation.

All I can do is pray that your heart accepts that you did all you could.

I'm so sorry.

[Suzie Q]

You made the best decision you could at the time. And Nick is so right. She may have passed on in the same time frame regardless of treatment. Or she could have reacted badly to the antibiotics, for that matter. So, you see, looking back raises more questions than answers. And of course, you are now armed with the knowledge of the outcome, so no fair comparison is possible.

But you have to let it go.

Keep telling yourself you made the best decision you could. You really did.

~Karen

[Martha02]

Kim,

After a year sometimes I am still struggling with the decision on upping the morphine, sometimes I feel so responsible for her departure. Beth is right when she said ” but our goal was comfort above all else". and you can't think about it otherwise you will go nuts. But time does heal. At list now I can think about my mom without my breath been taken away.

Take care!

Martha

[MomsGirl]

Oh, Kim, I wish I could take away your regret and your pain. You are not alone. Now that it's over and we all have hindsight, it's so easy to go back and beat yourself up over what you did and didn't do. I do it every day...my mom's biggest fear in life was not being able to breathe, and she died of lung cancer. After her brain radiation she seemed okay and then she started to swell and feel pain. We kept thinking once she was able to start chemo again, all would be well. I remember the day she was taken away in an ambulance from her home, never to return - my sister and I had no idea that she was days away from losing her life, and we were trying to stuff chicken noodle soup down her throat and getting after to her to drink etc. She was almost mentally gone (I realize now) and so near death, and here we were making her get out of bed and use the bathroom, etc. I can't imagine the pain we put her through, knowing now how widespread her cancer had become in such a short time.

Kim, this is something that will never be easy. We can only hope that we all come to terms with it someday. Your mother KNEW that you were doing your best for her, and she loved you for it. That fact that you were there with her, comforting her, speaks volumes. Hospice in and of itself is a journey of guilt, no matter what the circumstances. As humans, we are programmed never to give up our on precious lives or the lives of those we love. It's so hard...

Writing this is therapeutic for me, b/c I still lose sleep over all of those little details. Please hang in there, I don't know what else to say. I hurt with you.

[crystleshoe]

oh my gosh it almost like listening to myself. Tommorrow will be 3 weeks since my mom passed away and i every day I think of the pain she was in and how she had given up the fight before we did. She was ready to go sooner than she did but she fought because we werent ready to let her go, I think that if I didnt insist that she go for the last round of chemo then she might still be here because that made her so sick and weak. She had asked us numerous time to "leave her alone" and we still nagged her about eating,drinking etc. On the days that she was exahusted i made her get out of bed cuz I thought she would feel better if she was up(now I think that maybe I just felt better if she were up). We had to make the decision to take her off the machines and stop all treatment and I had to be the one to point out to my family that she wouldnt want to continue living if she were like that. I feel like I gave up on her and I was the one who fought hardest in the begining

People keep telling me that the pain will lessen with time and I do hope that is true but for now i agree with you that today is no easier than it was on the day she died. I do find some comfort in the fact that she is no longer in pain and that she is in heaven watching over us. I hope that you can find some comfort in the fact that people who have been in our shoes have made it through.

[Treebywater]

Kim and crystleshoe,

I'm going to tell you, I'm 18 months out and I'm just NOW understanding that it's ok not to rush the feelings. At every little milestone I kept looking and going, "It isn't easier. Why isn't it easier?" And I really put a lot of pressure on myself over it sometimes.... It doesn't get easier for a long time. And still, I have days when it could have been yesterday... when the tears flow and the hurt is so raw I can't even breathe.

And I also have so many what-if questions. A lot of us do, because.... there are a lot of weird If factors at the end of life. I still haven't come to a place of peace about everything I did at the end of Mom's life... but I've stopped listening to the haunting thoughts as much. You know my Daddy wanted to take the route of giving her as little pain meds as possible.... and I wanted for her not to be in pain. And it was really hard in the days and weeks after her death for me not to feel that Dad felt that I had overdosed her. I mean.... that's pretty mentally crippling..... I know how suffocating those thoughts are. What is a little bit comforting, I guess, is that it seems to be par for the course.... so many people seem to have the same qustions. We all wonder if we gave too much or not enough or if this call or that lengthened life, prolonged pain, or shortened the timeframe.

Be gentle with yourself. And know that all of us did the best that we could with the information that we had at the time. And know that I know your Mom's relished in the care that you gave them. That they took comfort in your nurturing them and comforting them. My Mom would say, "You done good, Val." I think your Moms would too.

love,

Val

[mamasbabygirl]

I agree with Val. We were all there to love our moms (and dads) and that is ultimately what matters. We were there for them.

[Littlegirl]

Kim ~ Nick is right. This was an impossible position and no matter what happened you always would have had the chance to second guess yourself. What if you had upped the meds yourself, would you be wondering if the medication dosage is what killed her? What if you took her to the ER and she died in the hospital, would you be mad at yourself for not letting her spend her last moments at home? You did your best. The important thing is that you were there and that she is no longer in pain. Please allow yourself time to heal and don't play the blame game. Your mom would not want you to do that.

Prayers that you will find peace soon!

Karen

[nikkala]

Everyone has already said everything I could. I just want to say I understand and I am sorry you have to go through this. There is no right or wrong way. We all do the best we can in very difficult situations.

[mrmust]

Kim;

I do know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend Joe was admitted to the ER with severe pain. He was well enough that he didn't qualify for hospice. The plan was to get his pain under control and for him to go home. He was doing well, eating McDonalds, talking, joking, getting up and moving around, so he made me leave to join the girls for our annual "girls weekend". Within 18 hours of me leaving he developed pneumonia and was intubated. I made it home just in time for them to pull his breathing tube (according to his wishes). I struggle with why didn't I do this, that, why didn't I see this coming, what if I hadn't have left, did he feel like I didn't care.......so much floating through my head. It has been 6 months and I am slowing coming to accept what happened. You have probably heard this a thousand times but God has a plan and no matter what you do, you can not change it. I believe your decisions were correct and for dealing with it alone, I commend you. Do not beat yourself up over it. Acceptance takes time, which I am slowly learning myself.