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House of Cards- Tuesday Update


Debi

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Well, I normally don't write before my tests, just afterward but I'm nervous this time-

I moved my 6 month tests up from the end of the month since I am in town. Had my bloodwork and chest xray today. I really felt I needed to know now if things aren't okay since my life is moving forward and decisions need to be made. I'm planning on calling my Onc on Tuesday (the one day a week he comes here) from Ohio to ask him what the results are.

Anyway, 6 months is a long time. Now I finally have a Corporate apartment in Ohio, and after Valentines Day am bringing my son up there for him to go to school. I also traded my car in and bought a brand new truck :shock: . If I am not hired permanently in my present interim position, I have another position but am in a holding pattern right now because of issues larger than me with my company. Basically either way this pans out, I have a great opportunity in front of me.

But now I'm so afraid that I'm going to call the doctor and he's going to tell me that all isn't well, I have played the conversation out in my mind. My life will come down like a house of cards, all the plans that I have finally dared to make will be over. I won't be able to bring my son to Ohio because I will be taking him away from his support network. I won't be able to afford the payments on my truck. I won't be able to take the job that I have paid so many dues to get nor get the pay that goes with it. I'll have to come back to Oklahoma where I have support. It will all be over in a second, the irony will be of course, that after all this time I finally learned to live without fear of dying, only to find that April Fools, I really am! How dared I dream big? In the weak state that I'm in now, I think to myself how could I do all these things and think that everything would be okay. When has my life ever been okay? I just don't have a charmed life.

There is just so much that hangs in the balance this time- it is just so hard to not worry. I hate this.

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Oaky Debi, here's the slap you need to get you back to positive thinking!

Every survivor on this board knows where you're coming from and personally I hated going to 6 months between tests......it was oh crap, they've pushed me out into the river in a boat with one oar.

You've worked hard to get your job to this point so it's not a fairy tale dropped in your lap to go away in a puff of smoke and neither is the test going to take it all away.

Eric is coming to Ohio, and life is good. Keep taking those deep breaths - as deep as you can with one lung :) :) :) - and recite that mantra.

Take care my friend, I understand your worry's and I'm sorry that I can't wipe out that demon we all live with since cancer came into our lives.

Geri

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Debi,

Nobody knows what the future holds for us. You have to stay focused on what is in front of you and what is known. Worrying is unavoidable but also unproductive. When you are finished with your what-if's, file them away and spend some time with your son. Keep dreaming about your new life in Ohio. We must keep moving forward with life while we have the opportunity. As far as having a charmed life, I am not so sure that there are many who do have one.

Keep your chin up!

Mendy

p.s. I have applied for a job in Atlanta this week. My husband wants to move when his treatment is over and start a new life in a better place.

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Can I hit her next Geri? I have no idea how this feels Debi I'm not the patient, but I do know what it is like to have your whole world change. You've got a life back - things are going so well and you deserve the success you've waited for. I know it will work out for you. Now don't make me drive down there and really smack you.

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8)8) You are a silly girl!!!

I wasn't thinking in terms of a slap, but wanted to say, "Thank you for sharing your obsessing, now put it away and continue with your life you have in front of you."

I bet you feel better after sharing your fears, don't you?

gail

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Debi,

I understand where you are. I thought it would be less stress when we moved to the six month schedule, but I swear, it's just more concentrated! :roll:

You are fine. Your life style has changed drastically since your first battle with this disease. You are seeing the rewards for your hard work, you are moving closer to RY and me - there's your little touch of hell. No little monster hanging out in your chest like that ugly guy in the Mucinex commercial. LIFE IS GOOD, and you are living it. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you sure as heck don't need a doctor to tell you that!

Now, breathe....and watch your back. I'm strapping on my boots and picking up RY - we're coming down to open a can of WhoopAss on you!

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Debi,

I totally understand all of your worries, but look at this....you're really going through some changes in your life that, although are all for the good, are stressful in themselves.

Then, people like us still have this big health thing hanging over our heads ALWAYS :twisted:

And, you're coming up on test time. I think that moving to tests that are more spread out is that the worry gets more intense as the time approaches than it did when we were on the three month plan.

I'm going once a year now, and let me tell you, I can't even go to work the week or so before my tests, I'm such a mess. I just take vacation time and worry, but it's better than falling apart at work any time anyone looks sideways at me. :roll:

Far be it from me to give any advice on how to stay calm through all of this :shock: , but look, we've survived a lot so far in life, we're going to continue to survive.

You know, not only are you closer to Ry and Snowflake, Ohio is closer to me too.....you're certainly within slapping distance! :lol:

This is going to be ok for you. Let us know as soon as you can.

Cindy

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Debi,

I know that test and scans will always be part of my life, so I had better get used to them. That’s easy to say, but much harder to do. There are a lot of other things that could happen to me, but I don’t seem to think about them. What helps me the most is that I know worrying about my test is bad for my health, I don’t need the stress. I share this verse with you; it reminds me that worrying will do no good

MATHEW 6:27

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Stay positive, :)

Ernie

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Debi, Debi, Debi...

I've just gathered up the chickens, and I'm heading your way... :wink: PLENTY of room in this Expedition for RY, and Becky, and anyone else who wants to help us chase the monsters away.

You'll be fine - I just know it!! Sometimes, it's easy for fate to fool us into believing that it's just waiting to pull the rug out from under us. Just remember...magic carpets are rugs too! :wink:

Praying for GREAT results, and wonderful new adventures with your son, in your new LIFE!!!

Yours in HOPE!!

Stacey

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I always keep you in my thoughts and prayers, but I won't slap you, you might squish me.

I can't possibly know, like the others, the gravity of what you are feeling...but I do know that your life is charmed...maybe not in the paris hilton / donald trump kind of way, but in the I AM A LUNG CANCER SURVIVOR and a damn tough cookie- sort of way.

I feel in my heart that your tests will be fine...then you can buy me something sparkly with that new job of yours.... LOL

Enjoy Eric, take deep breaths and spoil each other rotten to get you thru test time.

Love you,

K

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Hi Debi:

So, it is worry time again, eh? Well, I suppose all of us have cause to worry. I don't know, but I would hazard to say that you have a very keen, analytical mind that has served you well in you work life. Perhaps it does not serve you too well at test time. Sigh… there is no way you can analyze your way out of the uncertainty. Just let the worry wash through you and get the results and go on. At the very least, don't worry about worrying. I am sure you will be NED again.

Don M

don m

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I understand your fear. There have been times that I felt like doing much of anything because of 'it'. Then I realized that 'it' was in my life and now 'it' is gone, behind me and does not have to be ahead of me and life goes on. God Bless you.

Carol

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(((Debi))),

Take a few deep breaths and know that we are all pulling for those good reports. You've got this thing licked girlfriend. It feels good to my soul to see people who are planning their future! In my bones I know yours will be bright. (Oh, and if you are handing out sparkly things, please remember me -- sea monkeys won't do! :wink: )

Welthy

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Hi Debi, We probably all want our old lives back before we were dx'd, but ain't gonna happen. Sooooo, we just have to go on as if everything will work out.

You wrote about what happens if the tests are bad...try to imagine what you will feel like if the tests are good and try to make that moment real in your mind. How happy you will be when the doc walks in the room, smiles at you and says "your tests were all fine". How great it will feel when all your plans work out and you are back on track.

The placebo effect is proven real...I think the power of positive thinking is too. Listen to Mathew!

Now if I could only take my own advice test time. Instead I take Xanex and brow beat the hubby into submission. :)

Barb

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If I slapped you and you slapped me back and we kept slapping each other, it would be like a kickboxing work out and we'd be so tired so you would sleep until it was time to get the results and have no time to worry :):):)

All joking aside, I can imagine your fear and anxiety as I myself suffer from extreme anxiety. I wish I had words of advise. The only thing I can say is keep busy, eat ice cream, then diet once you learn all is fine.

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Debi,

You are my champion. We all are so proud of you. You've worked hard, got a great job and a great back up job...a new apartment and Eric is coming to live with you. Can't beat that with a hammer.

I know about worry and test time. I had an MRI last wed and still haven't gotten the results. My brain tells me that I am probably ok. Its been almost 4 years, I should count my blessings. However, this new normal won't let me NOT worry. I am doing what Andrea said, eating ice cream and trying to keep it together til I find out.

You are stronger than I am. I know you will be ok. I just feel it. You deserve this wonderful new life and I feel you will have it for a long, long time.

Keeping you in my prayers for good news.

Nina

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Debi,I have to write this very fast(he,he)cause I can only stay alert with enough to stay awake a couple minutes befor I keep onking out all tjme.

I got your back covered with the tests.We will all bring on only the bests of results.

Good luck with the job and I know you will be fine with it.

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Thank you all for your responses and for rescuing me from Geri, Ry, Becky and company (this would include Stacy and the chickens)....

I'm feeling slightly better today although this week in calendar form in my mind, has TUESDAY in Bold, LARGE FONT, with neon red blinking letters. Nothing I can do about that, except get to it, with the help of you all of course.

(And to my buddy Frank, My fears will never cripple me because of knowing people like you, and your immense courage in the face of adversity. You give me the strength to keep plodding along, even if I whine from time to time. Thank you for your response, (although I question the fast typing :wink: ), you are a true friend and the fact that you are always cheering me on means the world to me.)

I guess I have to cowgirl up now. :roll: Crap!

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