"Time" and Time Again...

[ErinC1973]

My mom will be gone one year next Thursday, February 8th. A friend of mine said to me, "Erin, just get through this first year and then there will be no more 'firsts.'" She is so prolific and kindhearted, but how do I explain that it is eating me alive with each passing day that I have not seen my mom? I sat literally frozen on New Year's Eve at 11pm, wanting to push back the clock so badly, because I didn't WANT to see a new year. I still had my mom in 2006. One year ago today, February 3rd, 2006, I still had my mom. A year ago I could still talk to her. Next Tuesday will mark one year since I saw her face, since I bent over and kissed her cheek...and it was warm.

Val, this is a portion of a post from you last summer:

Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 2:54 pm Post subject: Time

"I know the saying, "Time heals wounds." And I know that there is some truth to it.

But what I have experienced lately, is that the farther I get from Mom's death, I hurt simply for the time that she hasn't been in my life. It is the time itself that inflicts the pain... Just feeling so far away. In two weeks, it will be 11 months. I look at that number and gasp, because it STILL doesn't feel real sometimes. And when it does feel real, it STILL feels like it just happened. I know I say a lot of the same things when I post here, but they are the same things that trip me up.

My husband's father has been gone for seven years. When I think about the idea of being without my Mom for seven years... Well I just can't even imagine it. How could that even be possible? But my husband is proof that one day it will be. It makes me feel a little better to see what a vibrant part of his life, his Dad still is... But I still can't imagine that time. I don't want to get that far away.

It feels like each day that passes I am that much further away from her, and I hate that the rest of my life when I wake up in the morning, it will be one day more.

So... time seems like an enemy, and not a healer. It seems like a mechanism that brings me farther away from my Mom."

Missing you so much tonight, Mom...

[MomsGirl]

Erin,

Your post broke my heart. I'm so sorry about your mom and your feelings of loss. I just hit the six-month mark and posted about how much harder it seems to be getting. It's getting to the point where it's not about how long I've been without her, it's more about facing the rest of my LIFE without her. Looking forward rather than back, and that's where it's so hard. It's so very unfair....

I'm sending warm thoughts your way...

[RandyW]

I understand. Wishing Big Warm Fuzzy blankets for you tonite!!! And Prayers for tomorrow!!

[Treebywater]

((((((Erin))))))

One year is so hard.... It just is. And the reality of all the other years yet to face.

My friend, Amanda, who lost her husband just about a month after you Mom posted a haiku on her blog the other day:

You think that their

dying is the worst

thing that could happen.

Then they stay dead.

— “Distressed Haiku,” written by Donald Hall shortly after the death of his wife, poet Jane Kenyon.

It just hurts. And I'm sorry. And I hope you know how much I care, and support you.

Val

[karenl]

Erin, I felt exactly the same way when the first anniversary was approaching. And I can't say I'm finding that the 'seconds' are much better than the 'firsts'. It all hurts. It still doesn't feel real, and I wonder if it ever will. I can still be so shocked by the fact that Mum isn't here that it takes my breath away.

Val, that Haiku just about says it all .

[Kathleen1]

Erin, what you wrote expresses so much how I feel. Its "her getting further and further away from me" that makes me so sad. I too don't want it to be a year. And I don't see how after one year it can be better. I want her in my life always - physically not just the memory. I don't know what to say to you other than I do really understand. I do. I don't think anyone can understand if they haven't lost their Mom. It leaves a giant hole. Nick once replied to message I posted where I couldn't stand her getting further and further away. He said its like watching an object in the rear view mirror getting smaller...how true. I keep pictures of her, her clothing, perfume and things she has given me on display - somehow it makes me feel like she is still here. And I know she is in my heart as is your Mom in yours. I know you are so very sad and I wish so much there was something I could say to ease your pain. I don't have any words but I do understand what you are saying. I will keep you in my prayers and ask for some comfort for you. You love your Mom and she loves you and that can never go away. Please take good care.

k

[crystleshoe]

I am new to this whole grief thing. Its only been 1 month since my mom passed away and sometimes I think I am going crazy because it hurts so much more now than it did a month ago. When she was sick I used to think the worst thing would be to prolong her pain and suffering and when we decided to stop treatment and take her off the ventilator I felt some peace knowing that she would not ever want to live like that. Now I am just so sad that I will never hear her voice or see her face again, There are so many times in a day that something will come up or someone will say something funny or I will read something and I'll think " I should call Mom shell love this and then its like a slap in the face cuz I cant call her. I feel like it was ok to cry and be upset a few weeks ago but that people kinda expect me to be all right now. I have no answers but I do understand how you feel and I am so sorry that you have to feel this pain. I guess all we can do is to take a minute at a time and be happy for those few sane moments when we are not so sad.