Jump to content

what? can't we just "be" ?


KatieB

Recommended Posts

I've gotten every neighbor and sibling (who never came around before) calling or stalking me to check on me....gee...that's really nice (I'm trying to be serious not fecicious (sp)) Really I am.

But they weren't here "before" and I'll betcha they won't be "here" next month....

Seriously, I pull into my driveway today and 5 neighbors are just standing there looking at me like I am this giant purple elephant on display......and start coming at me....(remember, I just moved here 6 months ago..so I don't even "know" these people yet)

I get a creepy crawly feeling like when I watched "Children of the Corn"... 8)

I know they are trying to be nice...help somehow...my brain knows that it is simply wonderful.....but my heart just wants to be left alone.....I feel like I am being smothered by these people.

Can't I just "be"?

Isn't it ok just to be sad? Can't we just grieve?

I don't want pills. I need to function and work and take care of my family- I don't want to numb myself thru my grief. Grief is not psychotic- so I don't NEED pills...(tried it, don't need it)

I function just fine.

I don't want referrals to therapists who say the same things that I SAY to people everyday) so I don't need Ms. $240-A-Hour, MD. (Yes, I called a very reputatble psychiatrist last week and I realized almost immediately I didn't need her or what she had to say)

I just need time...no one can give me that....so I just need to "be" and I need to "be" MY way.....

I KNOW what is wrong...I am grieving...I miss my mom...I miss my parents...you can talk until you are blue in the face but it won't make the pain go away and it won't bring them back....NOT BASHING THERAPY HERE- I THINK THERAPY IS GREAT AND HELPS ALOT OF PEOPLE...........and as much as it helps others - it doesn't help me.....

Literally, as I am writing this, the neighbor came over with a post-it with the name of a counsellor and phone number- this neighbor suffers from life-long depression........

I'm not depressed...I am grieving....HELLO?

I don't want you to come over and verbally force your teenage son to plant the roses I bought to plant in honor of my mom....thank you, NO, I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF.....I need to do it myself.

I don't want to talk to strangers. Or have you look at me with those "so sorry for you" eyes.....

I'm not ready to make "new" friends to replace what I've just lost.

I don't want to talk about "good ol' days"....

I don't want another "are you ok? how are you doing?" DUH....

I just want to "be"....why can't we just "be"?

My head KNOWS that in time we move forward, I've been thru loss, my head knows that we get "used" to life without those we love....my head knows that no matter what, I am lucky to have had what I did have and for what I still have in my life....

But my HEART is sad...it just hurts....it IS what it IS....

I just need to "be" for right now...and "those people", who were NOT here for me before she died, feel like they are smothering me now......

This grief is so different than the grief I felt for my dad.

I was fuelled by ANGER thru that grief, drove every second and all my energies into starting a non profit AND I had my mom....we went thru it together....I had something to hate, something to "blame", a mission and goal in memory of my father and what our family went thru....

This time around I feel like I am floundering...there's nothing to blame, there's just incredible shocking loss...and all those well meaning people (not referring to ANYONE here at LCSC) are squishing the air out of me.

Isn't that ok to just "be"? Did anyone else feel this way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie I think I am in the 2nd phase of what you are sayoing about the blame game OF LC With deb last year. I hope they leave you alone, and soon. Praying for a better day tomorrow. Wish I could help more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie,

When my Mom passed last year, I too bought roses to plant for her. My passel of 9 siblings had just all left town after the formalities, and I just had to do something private of my own to acknowledge and honor her. When I went to buy the roses, an older lady wandering through the lot approached me as I exited my car and tried to force some kind of religious literature on me. I normally give people like this good (excessive)courtesy and time, but this time I snarled "my Mother just died - leave me alone!" and nearly pushed her aside as I passed her. I wasn't even ashamed. I think that I felt at that time about how you feel now. I had no tolerance whatsoever for anything even slightly annoying, and all questions and probings felt cloying and invasive. Like you, I simply craved (and desperately needed) some space and privacy in order to find my new place. The fact is, once a parent dies, your "place" is irrevocably changed, and you have to work hard to even find it. I found the sense of grief to be almost stunning, and certainly disorienting.

Not sure what I am trying to say here, except that I identify with your feelings, and think that they are very understandable. I remember that for a while, I even resented my children for their demands, and felt that I just needed to have time for my own grief.

You take care. Follow your own pace with this. You've had a tremendous loss, and the whole world probably looks different to you now. Like you, I simply wanted to be allowed to "be" for a while. Nothing you feel is wrong or abnormal, and you have every right to all of it. In a way, all of it honors

who your Mom was and how much you loved her.

mc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie,

I hear you.

I'm tired of people trying to comfort me. The energy it takes to interact with and comfort the comforter is draining. I would rather be alone with my thoughts, but everyone seems to think I need company and distractions. I too didn't hear from a lot of these people while Jim was sick.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie, I am so sorry :( While I haven't walked in your shoes, I get what you are saying b/c I felt some of what you are writing when my mom got diagnosed and we were told we would lose her.

No amount of therapy or medication can take away the tremendous loss you are feeling. You are grieving and obviously depressed from the grieving, but there is no cure from such a major loss.

And I have to smile at your comment about people asking how you are doing. I even ask you that and I cringe and know that it is not really an appropriate comment. I remember when my mom got diagnosed I sometimes answered "Oh just great, my mom has lung cancer, and how are YOU?" :)

You do need to just BE and maybe try screening calls and let Rick deal with them for awhile. (Sorry Rick, but I made Brian do that too ;) )

Love you Katie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie, I am so sorry for your pain and I understand how you feel. If I am "quiet" at work or just kinda not my self everyone is asking if Im ok. How do I tell them I am not ok, that sometimes I just need to be sad and that I miss my mom so much that it physically hurts. I have found that i I can make it thru the day if i allow myself some time at the end of the day to just be sad. I miss my my mom so much and I am so afraid that all I will remember only the last 4 months when she was sick that I keep looking at photos of her and then I miss her even more. I hope that you are able to get some time to just be.

Cheryl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know katie, 50% of that I can relate with...and 50% I can't...but this is YOUR pain, not mine.

And if you need to tell people you are in pain and need to just feel it...then that should be enough.

You are entitled to your time, you are entitled to just be.

I'm sorry Katie, I really wish I (and I'm sure others) could help you more with your grief, because this site has been a huge help to me.

For now, we're here to let you be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just wanted to apologize to everyone for this "rant" of a post.

I came back to delete it (I've done that alot lately in this forum, usually around 2am I write and then immediately delete a crazy grieving post) but you wonderful guys responded so quickly that it was too late to take the words back....

This is how I feel at this exact moment. But I should have kept it to myself.

My rational mind knows that a month from now, I will be SO grateful to all those "outside" people for reaching out to me...even the creepy overly nice neighbors...LOL....will probably become life-long friends for the kindness they have tried to show me.

I'm just in my "grief bubble" and when I'm not working or focused- it's all about "me" and how I am feeling...hard to see the "big" picture when you are floating in that bubble of grief...and I'm the kind of person that lives in denial and avoidance when it comes to my grief...just want to "be"....do what I can do....one moment at a time. Don't try to "fix" me, or do things for me...just let me be until one day I can be someone better than the day before.

So I apologize for sounding bitter, like a child, like an ungrateful person....I'm so sorry. I know that these people are genuine and that they care- I am thankful for that, when others may have not had anyone reach out to them...

The relationship I had with my mom was very special and very backwards....Most people's memories are of their childhood- they grow up- move out and move on and the relationship with their parents change....I didn't get a relationship until I was an adult!!

I am the youngest of 7....didn't get any attention until all of them had moved away and into lives of their own...my older siblings took care of me while my parents worked.....

At 18, it was just the triad- me+mom+dad. While most 18 year olds moved away from their parents, I moved closer to mine...finally had them all to myslef!!!

Over the years Rick and the kids fit into that picture, but my parents were our cornerstone, involved in EVERYTHING we did, every single day of our lives- it was wonderful because they were wonderful.

So now, it's already a different life. Things will be ok again, I know. But I am sad.

Don't need those outside people to try to make me "better"...I just am sad. And I think that's ok.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You don't need to apologize. Not in the least.

You have my permission to use one of my most useful of my Mom's "Momisms" and tell them all to F off. ;)

And I mean that seriously. I think it would be totally ok for you to put a note on your door or something that says, "While I so appreciate your support and care, I need to 'just be' right now." Now I write that, but I don't know if I'd do it myself.... I'm too much of a wimp. ;)

Anyway.... Just a (((((hug)))))) Do this your way. You will find your way through it. And right now it just plain freaking hurts. It's ok to sit with that by yourself.

Again I say--the Momism is totally on loan. ;)

love,

Val

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie,

It's ok to be sad, you should be. People mean well, I guess, but sometimes it feels like you're being smothered. We understand that around here. Take the time for yourself and your family. It's ok.

Cindy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie:

I'm glad you didn't delete this post: I can relate 100% to what you are saying as I could have written the same thing for a period of time after my mom passed (and it still is going on, just not as intense these days).

So, after sitting here for the last hour or so writing one heck of a book for a response (which I just deleted), I'll just say that you are not alone by any means. This is a time for "you" and no one else (only you will really heal you anyway!) -- it's not selfish to heal in your own way with who/what you want around you and when.

If it helps to know this, I'm using that smothering feeling I get to dictate what I do, when, and whether I accept certain help or not. If I'm smothered, I'm not ready to entertain whatever it is that makes me feel that way, it's that simple. It appears to be working well too -- some things or people that smothered me 4 months ago, don't do that today: tells me I am ready to accept it or act on it. If I'm feeling smothered, I politely decline and ask that they let me contact them if I need help or when I am ready.

If they keep up after my wishes are known to them (and a few have tried), I have had to assertively (but still politely) push away their advances -- most of that has been with "professionals" though who have an ulterior business interest in what I am up to. A few others have been personal acquaintances though.

In other words, I view that smothering feeling as a tool I can use to heal in what is my own time and my own way -- it's gotten to be an appreciated signal to me, if you will, of what and who I am ready to handle. I may not be able to control who shows up at my door on a daily basis, but at least I have a way to know what to do with them!

Lots of hugs,

Linda

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie I am so glad that you did not delete your post. I know of others who had said some of the same things you said when losing their mom and I think it really helps people to read that they are not alone in their feelings.

As you know, this is a safe haven to vent, cry, scream, cheer, etc, so say what you feel. Not only will it make YOU feel better, but I am close to 100% sure you are helping others who can relate but perhaps didn't want to post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie, you have expressed what all of us feel who have lost loved ones recently -- it is normal, it os okay and good to vent about it, and it helps all of us who are on the same grief journey. They mean well, and this will pass.

I felt smothered the first month, but I knew it wouldn't last and it didn't. I am now in what I call the "silent phone" period. You go from getting a lot of attention to getting no attention at all. I understand why it happens and it is okay. Hang in there, gal. You can survive this too. Love ya! Don

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh Katie,

I know nothing I am going to say will take away the pain..I think about you everyday and cant imagine your sadness..I know how involved in your life your mom and dad both were and its a tremendous loss for you and your sweet family..You are not wrong for wanting to be left alone, I'm surprised the neighbors are not in tune to that, but I guess if they knew you they would be able to see that, and I know that you know they mean well..

You're entitled to your sadness Katie, nothing will take that away for now, sometimes it feels right just to be sad..Its hard when people ask "how are you," its hard to tell them your heart is broken and shattered into a million pieces, especially if you dont know them that well..

I too am glad you didnt delete your post, you need to talk about it at your own pace, and its so good for you to vent..

Hugs

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Katie, I am so sorry for your loss. Moms can't be replaced or forgotten.

I can hear Mom's voice sometimes as if she is right behind me. Warning me to slow down or watch my step etc. I see my Mom every time I look in the mirror...she's been gone 4 years.

There is so much more to this universe than our feeble brains can comprehend. Exactly what happens when we die is a great mystery, but I'm very sure there is a greater power watching over us. And I'm very hopeful that we will be reunited with our Moms someday. And it will be wonderful.

Barb

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks guys,

went to my lovely (cutie pie) doctor today and he said all of these things too...also said in about month I may want to "talk" to someone- if only as a release.

I tell him that I KNOW all of this stuff already...almost 1/2 of what I do is "counselling"...and "they" are just going to tell me the things I tell people everyday...and he brought up the fact that there is a big difference in being a "provider" to becoming the patient....and that if I couldn't find support within my family, that he would recommend someone.

He's a good guy. He happened to be in the hospital on rounds the morning my mom passed away. He saw me in the hallway and followed me to my moms room, stood there as I told him what was going on, let me lean on him and cry. Double and triple checked her records to reassure me things were done properly and that stupid TPA infusion that ended her life was a viable option and a life saver to many. She just happened to be in the 6% who develop brain hemorrage.....She passed away about 30 minutes after that. So he knows...he knows me.

Made me take a blood test to test my thyroid fucntion problems to make sure they were in check, gave me a once over and told me to come back in two weeks...even if it was just to chat...

I know that I just have to "go thru it"...and I am so grateful for all of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey my friend...

Life sucks sometimes huh? That about sums it up...

I can SO relate to what you have written, in EACH of your posts here.... I honestly believe that you have a handle on what you need... and you know what is best for you.... so, I am here just saying "hey" and you are in my prayers. Love, Sharon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know this is going to sound so horrible, but when my hubby passd away very suddenly, I was so angry that I could not grieve, just lay in bed and wallow bc I had a 9 month old son to care for and he needed me to be his happy mommy. I would write in my journal "Why can't I just grieve, do what I have to do.."

So, yeah, I get this too. In retrospect, I feel lucky that I had so many people and my precious son to make me go on, but at the time, I did not feel so lucky.

(((KATIE)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katie,

I haven't lost my mother so I can't say I understand.

Just know how sorry I am for what you are going through

This place is a safe place for venting, you made it a safe place, go ahead and write those 2 am rants, post them and know that the readers are mostly people who have known you for quite awhile, love you dearly and know you are letting out pain that only a young woman who has unexpectedly lost her mother can feel.

kathy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.