Guest bbypookins Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 Hi everyone. I am so glad I found this place. My mother, Judy, was just diagnosed two days ago with stage III (don't know if it's A or squamous cell carcinoma. They said it is inoperable because it is in the lymph nodes between the lungs, or something like that. Although the tumor itself is only 2 cm, they also suspect fluid around the heart, in which case radiation is not an option, only chemo. I can't even begin to express how devastated we are. My mother and I are extremely close and I depend on her a lot. I am 35, single and I live about two miles from my parents; my childhood home. My mother and I both suffer from anxiety/panic disorder so we don't handle stress well at all. Right now I feel like if she dies, I will die to. I can't imagine living without her, although I have a great dad and sister. My mother has always been there for me for even the smallest things. All I want to do is curl up in my bed and sleep. Work helps to keep my mind off of it, but being home is difficult. I used to just sit and watch TV most of the time, but now I can't do nothing, I have to do something constantly to keep my mind active or else I start imagining that she's going to die and the panic starts creeping in. She wants to fight, but she is very scared. She is afraid of how the treatments will make her feel. Right now we are hoping against all hope that the echocardiogram she has on Monday will not show that it has involved the heart. We are not religious people, so we don't pray, in fact, I'm an atheist. I wish I believed in god so I would feel as though praying helped, but instead, I talk to my grandfather (her dad) who passed away about six years ago. I just ask him to give her strength and do whatever he can to keep her here with us as long as possible. I feel guilty that I haven't married and given her grandchildren, something she always wanted. My sister is divorced with no children either. I also feel it's very unfair as both my parents had their parents live to nearly 90 and my grandmother (her mom) is still alive at 91. I always assumed I would have my parents just as long. I apologize for babbling, but I just need to get this all off my chest. I feel I have no one to talk to. I have friends, but they don't seem to understand the closeness my mother an I have because they are all married with their own kids. Any advice or support you can give will be immensely appreciated. I would especially love to hear from someone who has experience the same type/stage/prognosis. Thank you so much for listening. I'm sure I will return here often. -Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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