Kathleen1 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Mom has been gone just under six months. We are from Wisconsin but Mom and Dad had a retirement home in Florida that Mom loved very much. Lots of memories there for Mom, Dad and I. Husband and I are driving Dad down to Florida next week for the first time since Mom passed. Our first chance to be there. Two weeks ago, my much older sister told me she was there and threw out all of Mom's cosmetics and toiletries. I wished she hadn't until we got there. She said she hadn't touched anything else. I asked that she not get rid of anything else until I can be there too (sister lives in Florida). She agreed. A few days ago she was there and decided to get rid of Mom's things. Clothes etc. She asked Dad and he said if it wasn't any good it could go. But I had already requested she NOT DO ANYTHING before I get there. Dad didn't know this and now feels terrible. My sister has always hated that Mom and I were so close. Very jealous of our relatinship. So on the phone a couple nights ago she tells me what she has done. I told her I really wished she hadn't. I was looking forward to seeing Mom's things. No matter how insignificant. I was looking for clothing to use for a quilt someone is making me from Mom's clothing. She sternly said "it doesn't matter". I told her it matters to me. She said Well, I'm sorry but its gone and there wasn't anything there you would have wanted anyway. I said how do you know what I would have wanted? She never apologized and then told me this: "Kathleen, I know YOU are still grieving, but its time you get over it and move on and let go of Mom's things..........." The conversation ended right there. My Mother has not been gone 6 full months yet. I have not yet, or Dad for that matter had a chance to go to their retirement home. A home where the last time Mom was there she was still healthy. I wanted so much to just savor her essence - even if it was just old clothing, toiletries, notes etc. I needed that and have been longing for that. Am I wrong to be upset? I feel my sister did this deliberately. Anyone who has known me for 5 minutes knows that I am very sentimental, she sure should have. And I requested this not be done. She requested that I not get rid of Mom's things at their Wisconsin home until she comes home again (by the way she is the only one who has not visited Dad since Mom passed) and I have honored that. Who is she to tell me when I can be done grieving or move on? This is the same woman who badgered me repeatedly for devoting most of my time to Mom and Dad from diagnosis to Mom's passing. I needed that time in Mom's favorite home. To somehow feel close to her. To touch her things from a time before she became so very ill. I was counting on that. How would you feel? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I'd be PO'd. I don't have siblings by my mother. So I didn't have this particular issue to deal with. But Keri wanted to give some kitchen stuff to my cousin from mom's house. It was too much going too fast and then she wanted to take the knives off the counter. I told her stop, that's enough for one day. Because it was painful to see those things go. When they are gone, it reinforces the sucky truth... The insensativity would bother me too. But this is something I have found. People generally do not get grief. They are less sensative than you would want. I'm really sorry. I think the whole situation rots! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melindasue37 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I would be very upset if I can specifically asked my sister to NOT do something and she turned around and did the exact opposite. If it was something as important as my Mom's things then I think that might throw me over the edge. I know we have to pick our battles and she is family....ladaladala...but it was very important that you were able to feel close to your Mom again by going through her things. I am completely on your side here. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the grief. Just because she is a little further along than you in the process doesn't mean that anything you are doing or feeling isn't right or normal. I would try to talk to her, remind her how you feel and remind her that you love her but to please listen to what you are saying to her, especially when it comes to your Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Kathleen, You have every right to be upset. I would have been too. I'm the one who toted old hand creams and lotions back from IL to our home in WA and gets teary anytime I even think about throwing them away. (Edited because speculation was stupid.) (((((hugs))))) to you. I'm so sorry you didn't get that time with your Mom's things. I know that is another loss on top of the big one, and you have every reason to be angry, and hurt, and upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I think what your sister did was mean-spirited and incredibly insensitive. I won't begin to try to make excuses for her behavior because in my opinion, there are none. I can so relate to you wanting to see and touch Moms things "just one more time"... and she had no right to take that priviledge away from you - NONE AT ALL. I am sorry you are going through this... and six months is not a long time to grieve... and your sister has no right to "decide" when grief should end..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Sharyn is right, of course... There are no excuses for what she did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I just can't believe she did that even after you asked her not to! Going thru mom's stuff was something us 3 girls did together and she should have waited for you. My mom has been gone 2 yrs. and I still have a bag of her clothes that I just can't get rid of. There were memories there and she shouldn't have thrown them away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Two wrongs don't make a right. That being said (since I don't want to tip the Cosmos), here are my thoughts... So, she didn't wait for you to go through the vacation home and maybe select something special of your mother's. Not cool - BUT, she wants you to wait for her to come to the house in the north before you get rid of anything. Hmmmm...gee, one should turn the other cheek and take the high road, and be the better person... LIKE HELL! I say, YOU go through THIS house, decide on what clothing or linens you would like to see in the quilt that "doesn't matter" (because it DOES matter). Spend time in the rooms that she LIVED her life in, not the dream home she spent some time in and always wanted. Her part in YOUR life was in the smaller home, where she raised her kids. The house that is familiar to you is where your memories will be, she didn't have time to "transplant" her heart to Florida, just warming her ol' bones... Accept that you will find what you wanted to find in Florida, and take another look at the home she had by you. I would bet, if you take off the blinders of hurt, you'll see that there really is more of her in the home she "made due with" for years, versus the home she "always wanted". If it's anything like the home my grandparents shared, there may be a dent in a wall where gramma kicked the pump through it when it stopped working and the house was without water...or the newspaper fingerprints that I finally painted over that were put on that wall by a sobbing two-year-old who was tragically upset when just dropped off by Mom and Dad when Mom was losing a baby brother (they were my fingerprints and over 30 years old!)... ..and siblings? Can't choose 'em, and once you grow up, you can get arrested for beatin' on 'em! I hope things do clear up between the two of you, but that doesn't mean you need to accept her telling you how you should feel and when your grieving should end. Take care, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Kathleen, I am so very sorry for the problems you are having with your sister. I know how very much you loved your mother and how important her special belongings are to you. I remember that you already have a room in your home for her cherished things, so you can go there and feel closer to your mom. I just think it's wild how the death of a family member can so often bring out the absolute worst in people. You mentioned that your sister in envious of the relationship you had with your Mom. Well, just remember that relationship is something your sister can never take away from you. That is something that will live in your heart forever. I know how much this hurts you right now. But...make sure and listen to the words in Becky Snowflake's post. There is so much truth and wisdom in her words. Kathleen....please PM me when you need to talk. I'm always here for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crystleshoe Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I am so sorry that you are dealing with this now. My mom passed away 5 weeks ago and we have not cleaned out her things yet I dont think I am strong enough to do this yet. I understand how upset you are. I had dinner with my dad last week and he mentioned that he was thinking of giving some of my moms books and bibles to our church and he wanted to know if it was ok with us girls and I felt like someone dug a knife into my heart. I asked him to wait a while and he was ok with that. You have a right to be mad and someone should tell your sister that you have a right to grieve in your own way and your own time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomsGirl Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Frankly, Kathleen, I too am a very sentimental person and everyone knows it...so I would be devastated and angry as well if that happened to me. I think this is one of the harder aspects of dealing with the loss. I was (and am) a wreck over my mom's "stuff". My sisters also cleaned out my mom's toiletries when I was not there, but it was on my dad's request when they happened to be there...and later on they shared things with me. Everything else we've done, we have done together...her clothes, the Christmas decorations, the jewelry, etc. I have to say, I think what your sister did was very petty. And as was mentioned before, it's incredible how a loss like this can bring out the bad side in family members. All the feelings, good or bad, come right to the surface. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I feel your pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen1 Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 Thank you all for responding to my post. You really validated my feelings when I sure needed it. No one has the right to tell someone when their grief should end or how they should feel. I believe that what my sister did was mean spirited and insensitive and I needed that validation from those who get it. Thank you. k Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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