Feeling guilty

[Sparx]

Hello all. Haven't posted much, but have read alot. My mother finished her chemo, radiation and wbr in September and was told she was cancer free. She went for her 3 month cat scan and it showed new nodules. Now she needs to go for a pet scan. My mother and I never saw eye to eye about anything. (I was never as good as my baby brother)I seem to be the only one willing help her.She lives very close to me and I'm at her house at least twice a day and call all the time. If I don't, I get told "I could be dead here and no one would know or care" I do care. I just can't be there all the time. I work 50 hours a week, have a husband and 4 kids. Now for the part I feel guilty about..why isn't what I do ever enough? Why can't we have a loving mother/daughter relationship? I've tried and nothing seems to work! Sorry to ramble, but can't talk to my family about this it would upset them too much.

sparx

[Don Wood]

You have a universal problem -- a mother who thinks the daughter never does enough. My wife had a mother like that, although we both loved her dearly. My wife could devote all her time to her mother and it wouldn't be enough, but if I did something for her once, it was great. I guess that is human nature -- we tend to think what the blood relatives do is expected, and what others do is out of the ordinary. I told my wife she had to decide what was enough, because it was never going to be enough, and to know in her heart she did what she could. She actually followed my advice, and was more content with it. I wish you the same. Don

[Snowflake]

Sparx,

Your mother is your mother and she knows the "buttons" - she programmed them! For some reason, she doesn't want to ASK you for help, instead she'll manipulate the conversation so that you feel guilty if you don't volunteer to do something for her.

I suggest you set a schedule. Fifty hours a week is a lot, so are four kids. Decide what you can do and what you are willing to do and get it on a calendar so you know what your other commitments are, as well. Keep it organized so you aren't stressed, you have enough balls in the air, don't toss an anvil up, too.

You can add more time for your mother to your schedule as you see fit, but if it is taking a toll on you emotionally, you will need to cut back. She IS your mother and your conscience will make sure you take care of her - BUT, do NOT sacrifice everything in your life for her. Your job is important, it helps pay your "rent" and keep food in the bellies and clothes on the backs. Your family is VERY important, young minds are impressionable and they become what they live.

I don't know the ages of your children, if they can help with Grandma or help around the house, but if they are old enough to really help out, add that to your schedule, how EVERYONE is helping to take care of Grandma in different ways.

Good luck!

[wendyr]

Don is right, you do indeed have a very common problem. I too had a very difficult relationship with my mother and was her only caregiver. I have no wonderful insights to offer as Don has summed it up nicely. All I can say is when she starts getting difficult, breathe deep, count to ten, think fast and speak slow.

[Sonia Owen]

You feel guilty for trying to keep your own family life going,as well as doing what you can for your Mum. It's hard to be normal,its a balancing act for you. You are doing so well.I am sure your Mum doesnot mean the things she says to you,she is really annoyed with the cancer,not you,its just her way of putting the guilty on someone else,and it just happens to be you.None of this is your fault,she see's you carrying on with what you have to do each day. Try and take each day as it comes.

Keep strong,as you need your own family and life. Take care Sonia UK

[barbara5452]

I agree with all the above, especially Snowflake, your mom knows which buttons to push, my mother was the same way only not with me but my older sister. Mom knew I would not tolerate it and I had a family and did what I could, but my sister who is single got cussed, and made to feel guilty about everything I felt sorry for her she did the most because of not having children etc and she was the one mom struck out to. I finally had to say something to her and got cussed myself but just because you have cancer does not mean for people to be ugly and mean, mom didnt talk to me much for awhile but she got over it and it certainly helped my sister because she is so sensitive and mom knew it. Be tough and dont let her play the guilt trip on you, but also let her know you love her and will do all you can for her, but you cannot read minds she needs to tell you when you are most needed. Good luck....

[Suzie Q]

Consider calling other family members living close by to check in on your mom on those days when you cannot make it there. Or have her stay overnight once in a while, if she is able and your home can accomodate her.

It is very hard to be alone and seriously ill. Your mom has a lot of time on her hands, and she may fall into a mindset that the world revolves around all her issues and that she is being neglected, although in reality she is not neglected!

Let her know how much you care, and ask her to name specific needs for you so that you can help arrange to get them met as best you can.

And put brother to work on some of this!

~Karen

[Chanwit]

Don summed it up real good.

In our case I was the favorite first born alive child. (older brother died at birth with an RH- blood problem). The problem was still there though. I could not do enough and neither could the good intentions of my wife. So it sounds like things are about normal for human nature.

I suggest pasting Missy's poetry "Let Me" on your Frig. (Posted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 in Family Members..)

It will help diffused the situation and you will feel a lot better.

Take care of yourself - Happily - Chanwit