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Guest rse1961

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Guest rse1961

I will try to keep this as short as possible. A co-worker of mine was diagnosed one week ago with stage 3b-4 adenocarcinoma (I think I have that right). During the past week it has been a real downer at work, etc. She is a wonderful person and works with students middle school age. We have all been affected by this diagnosis. She has been sick since Feb. Her Dr. blamed asthma, pneumonia and finally after being admitted to the hospital she was given a diagnosis. She is a 32 yr. old non-smoker, ex-chemistry teacher, mother of one young child. My question is this: it has been made known during the past week that she wants to spend this time with family (understandable) and not be barraged by phone calls. When is it acceptable to "intrude?" I have spent much of this weekend on the internet and found this forum. I have spent a lot of time reading the posts and believe she would benefit from the support. How long does one wait to suggest it and how do you go about it? I don't want to cause discomfort for her. How did you all be let known about this site? She is a very strong person and could also contribute to others. I am at a loss about how to handle this, but am thankful that there is a site like this for cancer survivors. Please give me some guidance.

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Hey there..

First I want to say that you sound like a wonderful co-worker. Your concern is so evident from your post and I'm sure you will be a strong means of support.

I know that this is a difficult situation and to be perfectly honest, I don't know the right way about approaching her. I just know from myself that I have never been upset by honesty and caring, and I'm sure that your friend will not be either.

My suggestion to you would be to contact your coworker sometime this week to see how she is doing and to let her know exactly what you told us... that you were concerned and found this website and give her the web address. If someone did this for me when I was diagnosed, I would be touched by their concern and caring. I can't imagine her feeling any different.

Take care!!

Debi

47 years old

stage 1a-nsclc

Surgery June 16, 2003 - mid & upper lobe removed

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A lot depends on whether your co-worker is a private person or not. It sounds like she is one to me. I am a very private person and do not like to be asked how I am doing, etc. If I were you I would wait to contact her. I think right now she needs time alone with her family. At the proper time I would tell her about this website and see how she is doing. Of course it all depends on how close you are to her. Is she just a co-worker? If so I would back off. I do not mind inquiries from my close friends but from business associates and acquaintances I am very close mouthed about how I am doing. Maybe I am wrong but I feel that a lot of people are just being nosey and are not really concerned with how I am doing but just want something to gossip about and those people no one needs.

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Hi there.

I agree with Debi. But I think what Bess says has some merit as well. Your co worker didn't want to be "barraged" by calls and inquiries. Your call does not have to be an invasive, "HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN??" Rather, it could be, "I appologize for intruding, but I found a wonderful website that you might like to check out. Here is the address..." And leave it at that. She sounds like a caring individual and will probably even fill you in without your having to ask, and as a Middle School teacher myself, I would be most appreciative of a call like that. Take care,

David P.

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Hello rse1961,

You mention the word co-worker? If you are a close friend I would give her a little time so she can have a chance to except her situation. Perhaps a good old fashion letter expressing your feelings might be less intrusive at this time. Although it is hard to except a diagnosis of cancer at any age she is only 32 with a young child. That also will way heavily on her feelings. It is also important for you and your co-workers to stay positive and supportive, but also give her time and space. When ever family and friends ask me if they can do something for me. I tell them to be themselves and go with there feelings. Hope this helps. Take care and God bless.

Rich :lol::lol::lol::lol:

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Hi,

Your friend is so very lucky to have someone like you in their life. My mom has been known to screen her calls because sometimes it is just too overwhelming to tell her story 5 times a day or more. She feels very blessed to have so many people that care about her, but in the beginning, was still coming to terms with what it all meant. I think sending a card would be a perfect way to reach out to her. And let her know about this board, it has been a wonderful place of comfort, support and information for all of us.

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It's so great that you want to be there for her and she and her family are really going to need the support. When my husband was first diagnosed it was just such a shock. Both of us immediately just wanted to be with our family.

We have 3 children and like it or not dinners had to be made, kids had to be taken to soccer, hockey, etc. We were fortunate that friends stepped in and helped us out whether we asked or not. How about calling in a few days and asking her husband what night you could drop dinner or could you watch thier child or something? This is just as hard on her husband and he will need help especially when she is in treatment and not feeling well. We had one person that brought dinner once a week, and my mother would sneak in and do laundry.

Oh, and just a suggestion don't ask what you can do, because most people will say nothing but thanks for the offer. Pick something and say I'd like to offer to _______________ what night would be good?

It really helps to know you are cared about. Just let her and her husband know you're there.

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Hello there,

It sounds like your co-worker and probably friend (from the sounds of it) has alot to deal with and except right now. I would let her have her time with her family and in time I would tell her about this site and all the beautiful people here. Your co-worker is going to have so much to deal with right now with going to doctors and finding out about the best way to deal with her cancer and finding the best treatments.

But you can bet that in time she will be glad to know about this site and it will be a big help to her to come on here and talk and listen to people.

I signed on alittle to late. My dad died of lung cancer in June but when he was sick I did come on here as a visitor and read up on some stuff. That is how I found out about the drug he was taking (oxycodine) for pain.

I found out that the pill was causing some delusional things to happen for him.

Good luck and God Bless your friend

Donna

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If you can give support without needing acknowledgement the best vehicle in the world for that is good old US MAIL. Second to that is the answering machine.

Believe me, a heartfelt letter with no one hovering for an immediate response is a lovely thing. That's just my two cents worth today.

MaryAnn

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I second Ry's suggestion. I had a LOT of friends send flowers (and they were BEAUTIFUL, don't get me wrong)...but two days after I got home, I had to put them ALL out in the garage because I couldn't breathe! (Plus, I just had surgery and bad news - your co-worker's news is different than mine was).

I think a gesture of being the soccer mom's stand-in for car pool or helping by dropping off dinner would be SO appreciated. If the child(ren) can carry on their normal routine and some of the load (mowing the grass, fixing dinner, running kids around, etc.) is removed from the patient and her family, that would SURELY be appreciated. (My mother "Becky-sat" while I was recuperating and ran my son around, a friend mowed the lawn, my husband was able to go back to work because I was "okay" and he then had something else to concentrate on...)

It may be easier to contact her husband first for a "read". Surely he would know if she's ready for friends - she needs to work through all the shock, fear, anger, etc. and help prepare her family for WHATEVER comes next (treatment, side effects, etc.). Leave your number and a message for your co-worker to call...that way, it's on her terms, not an interruption in her cycle of thoughts (and depression).

Hang in there!

Becky

aka Snowflake

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I agree that the woman needs time to assimilate her situation and to work with the family. That does not mean you shouldn't contact her unobtrusely through U. S. mail or E-mail, so she doesn't have to respond. I would look through the posts here, copy ones you think would give her a lift, and mail or E-mail them to her. This way, she knows you care and she can see others struggling with the disease as well. In time, you might then call to check in, if she doesn't respond to your mail/E-mail. As many have said, you sould like a caring friend, and we all need that through these times. Good luck and God's blessings. Don

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I agree with those who have suggested a card or letter. This will show your concern without intruding or requiring a response. You might print off a few especially helpful posts from this forum and include them (make sure the URL is there) - then she can log on if she wants to. I personally think a letter or card is more personal than an email, but an email would be an easy way to send her the URL, too. I'm sure she'll know you care either way.

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You sound like a wonderful and caring friend! I like the idea of sending a card or email to let your friend know about this website and that you care. This at least lets her know you are available. When my mom was diagnosed, I had friends that called (cried with me) and offered support. I also had "friends" that once I called upon them for that support were no where to be found, so I quickly learned who to lean upon. If someone would have offered me this website when I was feeling so lost, it would have meant the world to me. I know my mom was tired of being inundated with calls. So I have taken over sending out a weekly update on how my mom is doing. This keeps everyone in touch and mom doesn't have to make 20 phone calls.

I also am a true believer in that no one will know exactly how you feel until you reach out. Explain to your friend that you don't want to intrude, but when the time is right for her you will be there. In the awful ride of this disease, it truly comforts me knowing I have people who care.

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I agree that maybe you should send a card or a letter, or offer to help out in some way... We have had so much company and phones that never quit!! I know everyone means well, but there are times that we are just so tired, with him doing treatments, and me doing everything else imaginable! that I don't have much engery left and he doesn't either. He admitted to me once, that your right, all this company is wearing me out. It was really wearing me out, because they'd hang around for hours and then I'd still have tons of stuff to do with us living on a farm and all.. Darrell used to do so much of this stuff. Now I realize how much he did that I could have been helping him with...or at least appreciated it more.. Now I"m doing it all and I'm worn to the bone and so very tired at times... I wish I had some help... People really mean well and I have to remind myself of this very often!! I know and understand the way they feel so often but I'm tired and have so much to do and sometimes it seems like we never have 5 mins. alone together.... I try to be patient, but I'm worn out to be honest... Some days I don't think I can take more... god here I go whining again... I'll let you go, but maybe this gives you another perspective... I know everyone loves him to death.. and most the time he loves the company, more than I do anyways.... he has little family and his friends are his family. but I want time with him too, and I need quiet time too just to get through this...I probably didn't help at all, but hope so... guess I'm just blowing off alot as usual... Christy

good luck, card or letter would be best if your not good friends...this way it would also be appreciated!! and you wouldn't be bothering her in anyways, and who knows you might even hear from her.

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Now I get to put in my two cents. Unless you and she have been friends for many years, and I mean close friends, buddy buddys, I would suggest you leave her and her family along at the present time as far as visiting or phoning. A card or letter would be fine, you can express your concern for her and at the same time tell her about this sight should she or her husband want to check it out. It is so full of priceless information.

It is great that you have so much concern for her but like I said, if you are not extremely close and you probably aren't because you wouldn't be asking this question for you would be over there babysitting or whatever and she would want you there too. My dear departed friends were like sisters to me and me to them. It is like the movie "Love Story", one does not need to say I love you for they know.

Send a card every few weeks just to let her know you do care.....

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