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Redefining Me


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So I have been thinking of my grief as it is now. I have been thinking about how... Part of me is as present to the grief and missing of Mom as I ever was. I keep thinking about how... everything is different now.

And today it occurred to me that maybe it's not only grief, but the fact that my Mom's illness, her death, the months after, the grieving.... they've all redefined my life. Totally. I am a new person. I am a different person than I was the day before my Mom was diagnosed. I am a different person than I was the day my Mom died. (Even as I am the "same old Val" I ever was).

I know that part of grieving is re-inventing yourself... Learning to live in a world without someone who was so important to you and becoming you in a new way as a result.

I don't know... Maybe I am just trying to justify the reasons that I still think of it so much. That it still occupies such a large part of my heart and mind, even though I try very hard to move forward and not let it rule my life.

My Mom's illness and death were defining moments (months? years?) for me. Moments when everything was changed. Moments that made me look at life, myself, the world, God, and people around me in a whole new light.

The fact is, it all changed my life. And I'm still learning who I am after the fact. I'm still in the middle of the changes. And I think *that* is what keeps me so mindful of it now. I feel like a new person that I'm not familiar with yet. My life feels like a new life that I'm not comfortable in yet--especially with impending family changes coming.

A woman in my Bible Study shared today that after any major life transition: Death, divorce, birth of a child the "experts" (whoever they are) say it takes us three years to really adjust. So by that marking stick I'm only half-way into this adjustment period...

Anyway. It's disjointed, but those are some of my thoughts today.... Do they make sense to anyone?

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I get it. Been there, done that, doing it again and again we each loss I have had.

The first's come for each one and I remember.

Am I who I was before Randy got sick. No. Plain and simple, his illness and death ripped me to my core. I had to find myself after he was gone because he was half of who I was.

I have had several additional losses since then. Each one has been different and caused change in me in a different way each time. I sometimes wonder if it will ever end.

But I do get it. Thanks for posting.

Much love


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Yes, it makes sense. The whole thing about a "new normal". I think I appear to everyone to be pretty much the same person, but on the inside I have changed so much. I'm afraid of death, I'm afraid of the rest of my life without my mom, I'm sick that my kids will never see her another day in their lives. Every milestone, every happy and sad occassion - it's all wrapped up in thoughts of her. I went to the Pottery Barn outlet today to buy bedding for my almost 4-year-old daughter Rebecca, for her first "big girl" room...I found the most beautiful feminine girly bedding, and I thought about my mom and I was crying in the damn quilt section . Rebecca is my only daughter and I so wanted to share all the special daughter stuff with my mom. I know you can relate..

My husband lost his mom 10 days after we got married, and I remember him telling me a few years later that there is just this hole, this emptiness, that never goes away, like you've lost a limb or something. A part of you is gone with her. Yes, you go on and it gets better, but it's never the same. At the time I could not remotely imagine that, but now I'm living it too.

So no, none of this sounds strange...

Thinking of you and sending a hug...

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Feels like you took the words out of my mouth. Sometime I almost feel "lost" because I've been forced through all these changes that have ultimately changed me. I don't think you can ever be the same after experiencing such a huge loss. We will see things differently from here on out.

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You make perfect sense to me.

I am definitely not the person I was the day before daddy was dx. I think trying to protect myself from all the hurt and pain of watching my dad go through this horrible journey and then losing him, I lost myself. It has almost been 2 1/2 years now since dad died and I am still working on finding out who I am now.

If I keep going I will really begin to ramble, but I did want you to know I understand how you feel. I am at that same place trying to figure out the new me and how to be happy and comfortable with myself once again.

Val, I hope you are able to get through the family changes and soon are able to say you feel comfortable in your new life.

I always love to read your posts because I can relate to many of them.

Take care.


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wow, i definately do get it too. i also totally buy into the 3 year thing...it hasnt yet been 2 months since i lost my mom but i KNOW that it really hasnt hit me yet...i sometimes wonder whats wrong that i cant seem to really process it. i come home for lunch now like i used to when i worked and (i came every day to check on my mom - i had to SEE her to make sure she was ok - a phone call wouldnt do it) i somehow always think of my mom with kind of a frozen feeling like im not really here.

my sister told me that part of me died when my mom did....i guess a small part of us dies when we lose someone.

i know that for me personally, i dont feel the same and i did not since my mom got sick....it is so hard to stand by and watch someone struggle with a disease like this when you just want to help and are powerless.

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