KatieB Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 It seems like yesterday, and then again it seems like a lifetime ago. I miss my dad so very much. I can't help him anymore, I can't even help my mom in her grief as I am dealing with so much of my own. I try though. I see her everyday. I had the stronger relationship with my dad when it came to communication. We talked all the time, I was with him everyday, we would debate and talk about history or current events, talk about things no one else had the time to talk with him about or cared to talk to him about. I miss that so much...already, something will happen and I want to tell him...but I can't. Sometimes I think it is still a dream. HOW CAN HE BE GONE? and then it hits me like a brick and I get a stabbing pain in my chest and have to go off alone to cry. Everyone else is living. Everyone expects me to be ok and I am getting good at pretending like I am. I am so NOT ok. I hear that this just takes time...but I hurt now MORE than I did when he died. I miss him so much. Tomorrow will be exactly a month since he died. (Don't worry, I won't post each month about it...) Just having a bad time of it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Katie I sure wish I had the magic words to ease your pain but I don't. I do know how you are feeling, I too lost my brother, mom and dad and still miss them even though many years have gone by. I think you are doing remarkably well considering its only been a month. You are such a strong woman and have offered so much to all of us. I think you should post the monthly anniversaries of Jesse's death if it helps you. I never knew him but I miss hearing about him and miss your postings on him. I love this board with all my heart but I also feel like I have lost a multitude of friends since I found it. It is unbelievable how you can get attached to people you never have seen. I always tell my family when someone passes on from the board and even they get very sad. It is like an extended family. We are always here for you Katie and I hope we can give something back to you. Bess B PS Where is your new Picture with your new hair cut? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candy Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Katie, I guess it really is time that heals. I lost my Dad many years ago and I miss him still to this day. Even after over 30 years there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. With time came the ability to think about him without the stabbing and overwhelming pain. I still feel sad though and still miss him. After Hugh died last week I told our son that he was his father's legacy and that he would always see him everytime he looked in the mirror. They look so much alike. I wish I could give you some kind of wise advice, I can't. I also feel like I will never be okay again. Every time I have a thought that I can't go on without Hugh there is a small voice in the back of my head that tells me I have to - just keep remembering to breath and go through the motions of living. Maybe that's Hugh helping me out. Maybe in a few months we will posting here saying things are easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadstimeon Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Hi KatieB, I’m so sorry for your loss. It does take time when one loses a beloved one. Try to stay busy and help your mom/family as best as you can. Have you thought about volunteer work for people with cancer? Your experience would be a tremendous benefit and you would be doing it in memory of your beloved father. You have a smile that lights up a room. Remember your father wants you too carry on in his footsteps. I hope this helps you. Take care and god bless. Rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest canuckwebgrrl Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Katie, I've been very fortunate to never have lost someone important to me, so I don't have any words of wisdom...but I wanted to tell you I was thinking about you on the weekend, and I wish you peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Estrea Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Katie: Ever since I heard, I cannot stop thinking about you. And, now, reading these posts I am just overwhelmed with emotion. I wish there was something I could say to help but I know there really isn't. All I can promise you is that I will continue to do whatever I can to do something to fight the battle against lung cancer (albeit my contribution lately being limited). Lots of hugs, Estrea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna D Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Dearest Katie, I understand every emotion you are feeling right now, and it is sooo hard to cope day in and day out. Yes it does hurt now more than before, things have settled, got very quiet and BAM, it all comes flowing out. What you feel in normal, at least at 1 month I felt very much the same way with my Mom's passing. She was my best friend as well. Each time something happens I think, I got to tell Mom, but I realize, she already knows. It'll be 3 months on the 18th and I smile a bit more at thinking of her instead of crying at every thought, but don't get me wrong, I still cry and you will too. This board has been a help to write what you feel to friends that will listen. E-mail me if you would like to talk. I hear you and understand. Dona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Katie, I understand your pain. I am at just about 7 weeks and its harder now than when mom first passed. I still think, this cant be real I just have to wake up and go see mom. I go to her house everyday to see my father and go right to moms room, open the door just a crack and say "Hi mom, I miss you" and then shut it again. Its like I am moving in slow motion and the rest of the world is moving real fast. I am sad all the time and can't bear the thought of the holidays coming. I see the people even now in the mall or out shopping and get so down that I just want to go to bed until next spring. Just skip the winter completely because it is so depressing and sad. Its is still in my mind that "there is no way my mom died from lung cancer, its just not even a possibility, she was only diagonosed in February and they told us she'd have about 2 years with treatment and she lasted 6 months and 1 week exactly. I dont know how to help you since I am in the hole too. Its like that scene from polterfiest the movie when the mom could not get out of the pool becasue of all the rain and mud. Thats what I am in. No way to climb out, I keep sliding down in and to be honest its now easier in the hole than to fight my way out of it. I know thats giving in and not living but I dont have any reason to right now. I lost my joy, my fun buddy, my shopping partner, my mom.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittlers Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Dear Katie, You are in my prayers. I know that I cannot say anything that could help ease the pain-just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. Please take care of yourself. Hugs, Susan M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jana Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Hi Katie I can only imagine the pain you are going through. To lose someone you love is the most awful thing in the world. Yet, as my Mum always tells me it is the one sure thing in life that WILL happen to everyone we love. You loved your father so much while he was here with you and that is the very best that anyone can do. And you will continue to love him as long as you live. I don't know if the pain gets any easier, but I am sure the love survives it all. I am so, so, sorry for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Dearest Katie, Oh My Friend, How I know what it's like to count the days, months and even minutes at times when we are in such deep pain and at a loss for our loved ones. In my words it's all the NORM!! And as much as I use to hate to hear it, yes it takes time to get softer and easier to live and deal with. Yet my dear you and so many others are just at the very beginning stages of your greif and the pain is very sharpe and putting on a happy face at times is and can be VERY HARD to do. We do that to comfort others, but we honestly don't have too. If they don't understand then they will have to deal with it, not YOU!! Greiving is a very hard process for anyone to have to got through and EVERYONE does it in there own ways. NO RIGHT OR WRONG TO IT! Honey, I know your hurting (BIG TIME)! You sure don't have to pretend your not for my sake. If only I could hold you and just sit with you and be your friend. My Love and Support, Connie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debaroo Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Katie, I can't imagine how painful your loss is...its too scary. I just keep thinking that, I don't think that its so much that it gets easier to live and that the hurt goes away. I think that it is more that we get used to the hurt. That the hurt stays, but it changes form. I think about my grandmother when she died, and how much it hurt. Or my uncle, who also died of lung cancer 5 years ago. There are times its like it just happened, and my eyes well up and I get a huge lump in my throat and I think "yep, the pain is still there...I guess I just got used to it to the point of not noticing." I know my mom has severe physical pain, arthritis. When I ask how she feels, if she is in pain-its like she didn't notice it until I brought attention to it-and she'll say-"it hurts all the time, I'm just used to it." Even myself, when I broke my ankle in a jetski accident. I remember that it hurt ALL THE TIME, but I wouldn't realize it until someone brought attention to it, or if I were to move the wrong way-it would increase the pain-it was already there, but I just got used to it. My grandmother had to have her leg amputated before her death-she had those 'phantom' leg pains. As if her leg were still there. They said that, in time-you get used to it not being there...not that you don't miss it, but you adjust. I think that grieveing is the same way. Its not that the pain or the pain due to the loss-gets easier, or that it goes away...we just get used to it to the point that you don't always notice it. Sometimes you can remember and not feel the pain as much, and other times its as if the loss has happened all over again. Grieving is such a personal thing. Noone can tell you what to expect. We can only say that we care, and that we wish that you didn't have to go through this. My friends son died last year at this time...he would have been 11 years old. She has a 5 year old daughter, but she still cannot bring herself to decorate for Halloween, or when it is time, to put up a Christmas tree-she just dosn't want to. I can't possibly imagine how you go on breathing after loosing a child. I think that the most complex part of grieving is allowing ourselves to live life without feeling as if we are betraying the one that we lost and loved so very much. The most complex feeling is that guilt that you can actually laugh, or celebrate when someone that you loved is gone. How do we balance these things? I guess, you just try to remember that when you allow yourself to enjoy life, it dosn't mean that you loved the person any less or that you miss them any less. I guess it just means that you get to the business of life. Theres no choice. But it dosn't make it any easier. I don't really even know what my point is. I'm just babbling at this point. Sort of thinking out loud. I keep thinking I can be prepared for my Dads death. Its so stupid. Like, if I imagine how I will handle it, than I'll cope better when the time actually comes. What a crock. Katie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much and that your mother is hurting so much. I'm sorry that life seems to go on without you when you feel like it all should just stop. I'm sorry that you have to pretend to be ok...don't let anyone make you feel like you should be feeling better, you feel what you feel. Time seems like the only thing-time to get used to the loss-used to the pain. Time to give yourself permission to move on, with your dad always in your heart. If I've said anything offensive, I apologize. I am not even sure that this post makes any sense. I just sit here with tears in my eyes and think---I'm sorry Katie...noone should have to go through this. Especially such a good person. None of us should have to be here. But I am so glad that, if we have to go throught this thing, I'm so glad to have all of you. Take care, Deb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 I don't know if this helps, I was just thinking of the comparison. When we have our babies-the happiest thing in the world, we state their age as 1 week, 3 weeks, 6 weeks etc. Then one day it is in months. 6 mos, 12 mos 18 mos then it turns to years, 3 years 5 years etc. When one of our loved ones dies-the most heartbreaking event- we do the same. We count it in weeks then months then in years. Time goes on and we do learn to live in the present again. Love you Katie! Love Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ocean Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 I am so sorry for you loss Katie.... I dont know if you remember me but I lost my dad in february. I still miss him so much sometimes it hurts to breathe. Ive been meaning to get on here and tell you how sorry I was to hear about your dad. The song was beautiful. It reminds me so much of my daddy. He told my children that he would be up in the clouds watching over them. It brings them much comfort. Take care of YOURSELF too even while you try to take care of everyone else. Its ok to stand up and say Hey I am not alright. You just need some time. and however long you need to take is perfectly fine. there is no magic number. Im keeping you in my prayers Ocean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karma1976 Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 Katie just wanted to say i am here for you anytime! I can not believe it has been a month for you! again thinking of you!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 Katie, This coming week we will be approaching the 2 month date of losing my father-in-law. It has been hard for many of us but I especially see it hitting extremely hard for my husband this last month. He was the oldest and had been one to consistently stay very close to his dad. They didn't have lots of conversations, like you and your dad, but they would always work side by side on different projects and now it is just so surreal to him to not have his dad here anymore. He was so strong those first few weeks, much like you were, and then life continued on and the busyness that surrounds the loss of someone faded, and he has been left with a giant hole in his world. There are some better days, sometimes a few in a row, but the nights always take their toll. He finally decided to go and get something to help him sleep, and I am hoping it works tonight. I am betting you are dealing with very restless nights as well. My mother-in-law got something to help her right away and just used it a few times a week to ensure she would maintain her own health. Just thought I would mention that in case you hadn't thought of it. (I know you have kids you also need to keep up with.) My mother-in-law also got an anti-depressant of some sort when her ulcer starting acting up a few weeks ago. That has helped her a bit--at least not having to deal with physical pain along with the heartache. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Wishing you happy moments with your kiddos to help you heal. I just know your dad is smiling down on all of you. God bless- Karen M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandyS Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Katie - Sorry you have to go through all of this............ (((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) SandyS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted October 18, 2003 Share Posted October 18, 2003 Katie - it does not seem possible that Jesse has been gone a month. I am so sorry for all you are feeling, but, in a way grateful that you are still "feeling". Sometimes when people sink into despair, they lose that sense of feeling or caring which is not a good thing. So you keep in touch with all of your emotions and you post every anniversary, if its monthly, weekly, or daily - whatever you need to do - I am sure I speak for everyone when I say we are all here for you and praying for your peace. God Bless You Katie. Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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