Irish Humour....

[Larry]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man

he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go

to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that

when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a

group together to go right now."

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Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy

street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,

"Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy

went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the

Catholics across?"

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read

in the obituary column that he had died He quickly phoned his best

friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for

speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the

priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of

the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it

again!"

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a

stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and

knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his

drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his

wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their

upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught

himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he

landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket

broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and

looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and

bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and

began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw

blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and

stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and

butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the

broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of

blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,

but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.