Greiving *and* Disappointed

[Kris]

My Dad passed away on September 18. I think that people expect you to return to 'normal'....whatever that is....I haven't known 'normal' since he was diagnosed at the beginning of this year. My Mom was the primary caregiver and I guess I consider myself the secondary caregiver. I did all the researching, studying and calling around to different doctors. I went to all of the appointments and sat with my Dad both at home and in the hospital. I tried to keep everyone positive and informed. But now that my Dad is gone, I feel as if I may have let him down. Maybe if I wouldn't have encouraged him with facts and information I had regarding treatment he wouldn't have spent his last months in such discomfort. The radiation treatments (after affects) were just terrible for him and tragic for me to watch. And in the end, we were told they didn't help at all.

Although I come from a family with two sisters and one brother and a very large extended family, my Mom and I knew that we were the only ones that really understood what was going on. The odd thing is that now, when we are both greiving so much, we can't seem to support one another. She doesn't seem to react to anything I say about my Dad - when I want to talk about him or tell her how I'm feeling and she doesn't seem to want to talk about her feelings with me. I know that they were each other's life and it breaks my heart to see her going through this. It just isn't fair.

I am trying to go on with life as is expected and be 'normal' but I have all of these issues that play in my mind constantly. Not the least of which is worrying about my Mom and how she is and what she will do now. And of course, there is the MISSING him. Constantly. I miss his hugs and I miss coming in their door and him smiling and saying, "Hi, Little One".

I just felt like I needed to say these things. And I knew that this would be the place where people can understand and relate to what I am going through. Thank you for reading.

Kris

[Guest]

Kris,

I feel the SAME WAY> as for my and my mom...it's so hard to help her when I am hurting so much myself, but I try. I was the primary caregiver for 8 months and then shifted to secondary caregiver as my mom became able to take the responsibility...but I still saw him EVERYDAY,

I miss talking to him...walking in their door and he looks up and says "Hey Babe!" and we talk for hours. I MISS HIM.

I know how you feel. You are not alone. E-mail me if you want to chat. It's VERy hard, and you don't have to "go on" or "be normal" or "ok"...you can scream and cry and be sad or be relieved or be happy ...anyway is ok as long as it gets you thru.

Katieb

(Sorry @ work, can't log in)

[Snowflake]

Kris,

My suggestion would be to find a counselor and talk to a "professional" with what you need to say. I have found counseling to be very helpful when I'm at the end of my rope with "bad stuff" - horrible boss on a job I can't lose, family stress, cancer diagnosis.... I'm sure a counselor would also give advice on how to help your mom, how long you should wait before shaking her by the shoulders and telling her to wake up - she's STILL alive, warning signs to watch out for in your mother, etc.

Everyone handles grief differently. It's not failing to seek professional help when dealing with a stressful situation. Your local cancer center should be able to hook you up with a counselor, or maybe your job has resources for employees? Work on YOUR pain while your mother is unresponsive, be ready for HER when she's ready.

Peace,

Becky

aka Snowflake

[Donna D]

Kris,

It seems the word "Normal" now has a different meaning. Because as we know things will never be the same. Kris, I know you did all the same things that we all did for our parents, so don't second guess yourself now. (Although I did the same exact thing at about 1 month, "what if I did this? What if we did that?") I finally resolved that there will never be answers to those questions. They will always pop up, when you hear new treatments or see something work for someone else.

I have a hard time talking to Dad about his greiving also, I think he feels he still must be strong for the kids which are now 52, 48 & 44. But to him, we are still his kids and by him not saying things, he feels he is protecting us.

And I being the oldest daughter, feel I have taken a more motherly role for us all. I know I can't replace what she always was, but someone needs to take care of him now. I just keep watching him so closely, listening to his every word.

Being as close as you are to your mother, in time, you may even do the same. I sometimes feel, I must put my feelings aside to care for his. You sound like you are doing the same. We need to give things more time, as they keep telling us, so hang in there. I am listening.

Dona

[Tiny]

Kris,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It is very trite, but true, that time will help. Hang in there and try not to be hard on yourself...you did the best that you could with the knowledge you had at the time. I bet dad is still watching over his "Little One" and would want you to regain happiness.

Blessings.

[Cindy RN]

Tiny is right. I know right now you don't see it but time does help. One day you will be laughing about the good times. I still have panic type moments when I realise she is gone. But I know we did all we could do. We have great memories, you do to.

[hersheydaley]

Hello Kris,

Sorry to hear about your dad. Your story is so much like my own. I am 35 years old and my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer with mets to the brain in Feb. of this year and passed away June 18th of this year. You are lucky in the respect that you got to see your dad every day like myself but somehow it still wasn't enough time. I feel like we never got in the game as far as fighting this ugly cancer. Time just wasn't on our side and I do feel like I let my dad down also. I had help in trying to fight with him. My brother and my sister were there everyday also. Along with my mom who was his main caregiver (they have been divorced for about 22 years but always remained close and in the end she took care of him for the most part of the 4 months that he had to fight)

It is just never enough time and you will always wish for one more day with your dad. I just try to think of the good times we had but then my mind wonders back to the hospital stays and the pain he had in the end and then it all seems so overwelming. He didn't want to die he LOVED life and all the grandchildren he had. ( I just had his ninth grandchild in May of this year so dad only got to enjoy him for a month before he left us)

But I know he is watching over all of us and at times there are signs that he leaves me to let me know he is still here. So try to watch for those signs and maybe that will help you alittle bit.

Donna

[Karma1976]

Kris I can 100% totally feel you! That is what i have been dealign with for 4 months. I was so so about looking for treatment and helping him get the best care i never allowed myself to sit and have any "Talks" with him that may have been somehting i needed. I wouldn't kind of allow them. I fouced on positive if he got upset about it i would bring up a funny memory as opposed to having him break down and in retrospect I am not sure if i should have, but in my heart i do not think i could have held any discussion about him not surviving. I am here if you need me and have thought about getting some couseling, i mean jesus not everyday someone parents pass away and that you should be 100% a ok with it. We should allow oursleves some slack sometimes i think and we don't

[Fay A.]

We live in a society that appears to be learning how to handle all of it's problems from television programs.... It's problem identification, exploration, and resolution in 60 minutes, minus commercials. LIfe isn't like that.....and neither is coping with the extremely personal loss of a parent.

It takes as long as it takes to recover. It isn't something we "get over". It's something we learn to live with, but before that happens we have to live through it. Losing a loved parent changes us, and we don't "get over" that, either. It takes as long as it takes...

I do know this...eventually (and the time frame is different for each of us) the acute sense of loss eases when we think of our Moms and Dads, and is replaced with the good memories we have of them.

It hasn't even been a month yet since his passing.

Wishing you peace,

Fay A.

[luvmydog2]

Kris,

I know what you are going through. My mom passed away in 2000. We discovered she had cancer at age 80. we never knew what type or what stage. Her doctor told me that at her age there was no use doing a biopsy etc. He felt there was nothing he could do if he found out it was cancer. She had fluid on her lungs that would come back as fast as he drained it. Out of a family of 6, I was the one that took care of her affairs such as upkeep on house and the grocery store etc. I was the one that fixed her up in her apt. the last year of her life. I was the one that took care of buying her burial plots and tombstone etc. My point here is your dad knew you were there for him and so does your mom. I would suggest you get some counseling and if possible get your mom to go with you. Take Care and I will be Praying for you and your family.

[Connie B]

Dear Kris, and Others,

When we lose a LOVED ONE, we go through all the Guilt feelings of; did I do enough? Could I have done More? Then we go through the Dissapointment feelings which are very much the same as GUILT. Then we go through Sadness and Fear and I'm here to tell you that you are all going to find feelings within yourselves right now that YOU NEVER DREAMED EXISTED!! And as far as what do you do with them? Let them run there course. You are ALL in the VERY VERY EARLY STAGES OF GRIEVING and ALL that you are going through is VERY VERY REAL AND SADLY ENOUGH "NORMAL" If you were STILL feeling this way a couple of years from now, THEN I might suggest a counselor, not that that isn't a good idea to consider even in a few months from now, but for NOW I would just let your greif run it's course. I kind of feel like an expert in this, having lost my father, mother, sister, son, other loving relatives, and dear friends. IT TAKES TIME! You will have UPS AND DOWNS That you will feel like you can't DEAL WITH, but HONEST ALL THOSE FEELINGS WILL GET SOFTER and MORE BEARABLE TO LIVE WITH AS EACH DAY PASSES.

And as for wanting to talk or lend a hand to your mothers, or fathers that are going through there own greving process, please remember we ALL deal with the loss of our loved one in very different ways. I know my daughter and I were 180 degrees different in how she greived for her brother and I greived for me son. That to is very very NORMAL!! I only wish there was an EASY answer to all this, but TIME is the only ANSWER, and your mom's or dad's will talk about it in time to come. Remember, they are in DEEP PAIN AS WELL!

God I wish I could take all this pain from you all! I DO HONESTLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR ALL GOING THOUGH. PLEASE TRY NOT TO BEAT YOURSELVES UP. YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL, LOVING, CARING, ETC. Daughter's and Son's and I have NO DOUBT your PARENTS ARE COMPLETLY AWARE OF THAT, here.

Much Love and Support to you ALL,

Connie

[kimblanchard]

My Dear Kris

I would love to jump in here and offer some wise, sage advice on how to handle grief. But, alas, I can't. I still grieve so much for my beloved mother and dad and my wonderful dogs that I have a hard time still even saying their names.

I have been mentally planning on this big reunion in the sky when (and if) this ole cancer finally takes me down. I'm saving special tears and music they will all enjoy.

Good Luck

Sue M

[Don Wood]

Kris, take the time you need to get through the grief. I am sorry for your loss. "Normal" is elusive after cancer, so don't worry about it. Other people may be able to move on, but you need to take the pace that is right for you. Real friends will understand and the others you don't need right now. You need those who will support you where you are. Stay connected here and let us know how we can support you. Don