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Feeling alone when I'm not....yet


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Had a bad weekend...I find myself projecting to the future and fearing the loss of my family as I know it. And I guess I have to admit to myself, when my mom left this world, that started a chain of events that will inevitably lead to my fears being realized. Either that or I'm very needy and selfish right now and I can't tolerate losing anyone else, in any form.

I watched my husband's family implode after his mom died. He went from having this big close family to now almost nothing. It killed me.

We are a close family - not my brothers, as much, b/c they live far away - but my sisters and I gathered at my parents' house quite often. I went over at least once a week with my kids. My mom LOVED her grandchildren, and loved babies. She would be going nuts over my four-month-old little boy Conor. I loved sharing them with her. My dad adores the kids as well, but I think out of sight can be out of mind for him. Right now he's on an extended road trip to Florida and called to tell me he may never come back. I hung up the phone and my hands were shaking. He's seen the baby maybe once in the last month. My husband found me crying the other day and I told him it was because the baby just started blowing raspberries (those cute little motor sounds) and he'd rolled over, and I had no one to call. My sisters of course are wonderful and have really stepped in with the kids, but it's not the same.

I think as Spring approaches, symbolizing new life and hope, I become more depressed. My mom loved spring and gardening and Easter. My baby is becoming such a little person, every time he laughs or blows bubbles I picture my mom with her face in his neck, just kissing him non-stop. I find myself scrolling through my huge library of digital photos, just torturing myself with all the pictures of Mom and the kids.

Rebecca's birthday is coming up next week and my dad will be in Florida...I've never had a birthday for the kids' without both of my parents there. Mom even came last year, as sick as she was from the chemo. Conor's Christening is in April, and that will be devastating without her there.

Sorry, everyone, I know that I was blessed to have her for my kids for even a few years. But I need her so much right now. Having three small children is overwhelming at times, and I so want to call her and get her sweet reassurance that I am a good mom, even thought lately I feel like I'm not. I miss her more now than I did six months ago...

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Oh Michele, I so just know....

I hate the alone wonderings too. I'm an only child... and as things have changed with Dad, well it's been hard. Plus, I feel like if I lose Dad then there goes my buffer, you know? There goes MY family as I know it.

And then the stuff with the kids.... I have cried all those tears right with you. My mom was only with us for the first four months of Carolyn's life and here she is turning two. She'll never know this new little one. And every day I wish I could pick up the phone and tell her what she's doing or ask for advice or find out what I was like at her age or ask how she made it through staying at home with a toddler without losing her mind or her identity. I long for all those talks with her.

I know there is *neveR* a good time to lose one's Mom. I know that. But it just seems such a cruel time when we're still so young, when we're raising our babies. These are the things I see other women bonding with their Mom's over. And I so just long for that.

(((((hugs))))) to you. And I'd love to PM you my number. We can share those milestones and frustrations and cry together over our Moms missing them.

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I feel your pain. I was very close to my mom too, and she was always here and she adored my kids. I look at my daughter that now she is 2.5 years and she is so funny and I wish my mom was here to see that. It's so hard and is so amazing that we don't realize how much we relay on our mom until they are gone. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with my kids too. And before when my mom was here I could just go and get a brake, now it's gone. I still sometimes when something happens I find myself thinking: ”I have to tell mom” and a second later back to reality. I feel so sad for our kids that have to go through this pain too someday.

Big Hug!


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