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Not Okay..... Today


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I'm sitting here bawling trying to figure out the best way to get my thoughts out...

It's strange, because some days i'm totally okay, then a day like today comes around and I realize I am barely hanging on.

Back in November, when mom was diagnosed, I was a wreck. Just getting through the days was a challenge. I creid nearly every day, and was barely doing the necessities to keep my job and family running.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were really tough, but come January things subsided. I was able to get through the days better and got caught up in the process of mom's treatment and just life in general. I really thought I was okay. Until I got up this morning...

For some reason today is really bothering me. Although i am so thankful to still have my mom here. I miss her. I guess that sounds wierd, but I miss "her" from last summer, before cancer. I miss calling her and talking about just regular everyday things. I miss hearing about her trips to the slot machines with my grandmother, the kids at her school. Things that arent cancer related. Now we talk about medicines, chemotherapy, dr appts. Its not the same. Theres this uneasiness between us because it's all about cancer now, and i know she hates it, I do too, but we seem to have nothing else to talk about.

I feel awful. I know so many have lost their moms, and here I am complaining when I still have my mom. I'm not really meaning or wanting to complain. I'm just so lonely and scared. I feel so unsure of my life at this point. I hate cancer. I hate that we are a different family than we were the day before we knew about LC. I hate that I cant save her. I feel so selfish even thinking of myself when what she is going through must be a million times worse.

I know tomorrow will be better, i'm just not okay today.

Sorry for rambling, thanks for listening.

-Danielle

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It ok to ramble and vent. You need to.

All of us who have been in your shoes felt the exact same way.

You miss your past, you miss being carefree and secure in your life....you are afraid of the future...

Try to find some other things you and your mom can talk about and do.

It's hard not to focus on the cancer 100% of the time, but just think of all the talks and memories you both could be making right now too.

Hang in there. We are here for you and we really do understand.

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Danielle, We all have these days whether we are the one with the cancer or a family member looking from the outside. I am 47 have 2 children 24 and 18, the thing I try not to do is talk about it constantly, we still joke talk about friends and family at dinner time, but sometimes we do talk about it. Maybe you could be the one when talking to you mom, is to bring up things you use to talk about, but its also important for you mom to talk about it when she needs to. Its never ever out of my mind but I try really hard not to let it consume me. Until someone sets me down and says you have this long to live, Im going to try and live my life as normal as possible. And I too still have those days when I get very depressed with it all. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Take care..

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Hi Danielle, I completely understand what you're going through. I also "miss" the Mom that was able top fly out for a visit and join us on vacations. Every conversation and visit now have the shadow of this illness hanging there. Unlike many other illnesses, this one isn't going to "go away" (at least in mom's case). I wish I had some answers for you. If your mom is like mine, she wouldn't want us worrying about her. That seems to be my mom's biggest concern right now. She wants to make sure all her children are ok. Hang in there. They need us!

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Never apologize for having to vent. If you don''t, it builds up and gets to the ugly stage. You are doing ok. Sad to say there si a new normal witht this disease and it ain't nearly as happy or as good as the old normal. I know how you feel. The sunwill be a little brighter tomorrow at your house I hpope. Sending Prayers, and Positive thoiughts.

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I know how you feel. I try to take my Mom out to lunch a couple times a week or to the store and try to do "normal" things like before she was dx. It is so hard everyday thinking about the future and what it holds but she is doing great and I have to just take it one day @ a time. I am even planning a trip to Disney World for Christmas this year and she is going to be there with us. There are survivors out there and I have to believe that she is going to be one of them. I have 2 small children that are her world, I can't imagine her not being around to see them grow up. Try to stay positive and take it one day @ a time.

Dar

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Danielle,

I know how you feel. Today more than ever I feel very ripped off. I am home for the rest of the month and I see what a sad and cruel disease this is and wonder why him, why me, why the kids. So today is not a good day for me either. Today he got dizzy and fell and it scared me and dug another knife of realization into my skull. It is very hard to be optimistic when you feel like your world is falling out from under you. Then again - this is a roller coaster - today could be sooooo much better. I am going to try to take the good with the bad and pray and hope for the best. Heather

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Danielle,

Please don't ever apologize for venting. We all have been in your shoes, and understand what you're going through. I remember trying to carry on a conversation with my sister after diagnosis. It was so very difficult. And this is talking to a person who had been my best friend for 53 years. Too often our conversations would have to be a monologue since she could go into a coughing fit if she tried to talk too much. As difficult as it sounds, just try to keep the cancer talk to a minimum and tell your mom any upbeat news that you think she'd enjoy hearing. Remember, she too needs a distraction from cancer talk and cancer worries. Keep us posted...Prayers coming your way. Ellie

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Thankyou for all the support you have given me during the terrible time I am going through right now. We all need,to get things out of our minds you would go mad if you did'nt. I feel if I want to say what I am thinking then I can right here. You don't feel you are getting on anyones nerves. Some people don't know the right things to say to you, not everyone understands how you feel.And it sometimes hard to explain things to people who don't really understand what cancer can do to all your families lifes. Take care Love Sonia UK XX

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please don't ever feel bad for venting. It is very difficult to watch our loved ones go through this. My dad has always been such a HUGE part of my life so I'm feeling the same things you are. I too think about times before we new of his illness and wish I cold go back. Unfortunately, we can't so all we can do is try to stay positive and be as normal as possible wit them. I know that is what my dad wants and I'm sure your mom too. They have taken care of us all of our lives and the last thing they would want is for this to destroy us. I joined this forum to have people to talk to. I haven't told many of my friends because it's diffciult for me to discuss it without crying and I don't want to bring them down. Nobody knows what to say exactly (and truthfully there isn't anything that can be said) just know that we are all going through the same thing and we are here for you. I'm praying for you and your mom right now.

God Bless.

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Danielle,

You are going through a very trying time, and you are entitled to feel as you do, regardless of what anyone else's status is! This is YOUR journey; we are all here to support you and validate your feelings in a way that no one who hasn't dealt with cancer can do. And we are all at different points in the journey, so never feel that your emotions are any less important than someone else's...you feel what you feel, and it is real and true and valid at this moment.

And sometimes the trivial things just plain set us off! That's ok, too, we all can relate.

Call your mom up and declare it a cancer-free day! You can discuss the kids in the family, juicy gossip, whatever. I know sometimes we avoid these topics just because they seem so trivial to the cancer patient, yet often this is exactly what they want to hear - the "normal" stuff.

~Karen

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((( Danielle))) Hugs to you!! I lost my mom 4 years ago and a day does not go by, that I don't think of her and wish she were with me..You are not being selfish by your thinking..I know very much how you feel..This disease is a monster!! Enjoy her for as long as you can..You can always vent here, I never would have made it through with out all the Angels here..Mom's are the biggest part of our lives, and Our lord will give you the strength you need to carry on..You are in my prayers..

Love,

Donna :wink:

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