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*Sigh*


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And so the ups and downs continue...just seems like there aren't too many ups anymore.

I'm worn out from crying tonight. Mom's just not doing well at all and it's hard to go from "fight, fight, fight!" to "this is how it is".

Her sob has become so troublesome that it's worrying my sf terribly and as he works nights, wonders all the time at work whether she'll be alive when he gets home in the morning. She's now on oxygen and says the strangled feeling isn't as bad...but that the dr's said that when it gets to be evening and she's really having trouble, just take some more ativan. We're on that slippery slope down hill, I think.

I've been spending time each weekend (I wish I could be up there more!) with her. Tonight I just laid by her side and rubbed her back and listened to the sound of her labored breathing and found myself telling the Big Man that I REALLY don't want her to have to live like this for long. I don't want to lose my mom...but I know that one of her worst fears was drowning/suffocating...and it seems like that's what she's doing right now. The doctors have no "good answer" as to what's going on with her...it's just the body wearing out, I guess. She rarely eats and she's bony...something I have never remembered my mom being. She told me that she lost another 11 lbs in 9 days. I've lost track of how much she's actually lost but I'd guess it's close to 100 lbs at this point.

I long for the "old days". I still remember what it was like "before" and I steel myself against those memories right now for the sake of my sanity...the longing can be so intense.

Mostly...I don't want her to suffer. But it's hard to wish that when I want so much for her to not have to leave. :cry:

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Missy I was so sad to read your post. I really was hoping you mom was still doing good. It breaks my heart that she has gone downhill.

She was such a amazing women. She certainly showed them who is boss! She has been on some rollercoaster ride. I could understand how you would want it to end.... but then she's your mom. So understable...

I really pray for a miracle for her to pull through this.

You are such a wonderful daughter who has been by her side through all of this. She is so proud of you!

I pray she makes it for the birth of her grandchild in August.

You know we are here for you. Please sweetie, keep us posted.

Maryanne :cry:

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(((Missy))),

You articulate your feelings so well. I cannot imagine just where you are at this point on the roller coaster ride we know as LC ~ but your words give me a lttle peek. I will pray that whatever YOU are praying for is how things will be.......for you are the one who most certainly knows what would be best at this time.

I feel helpless to comfort you, Missy, but am here to lean on whenever you need.

Kasey

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My heart is breaking for you and for Sue. I'm sending lots of prayers and hope for some relief and comfort for her soon. I hate that this is what is happening.

((hug))

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Missy

I am so sorry you are at this point. I was where you are at 2 months ago when we had to decide to stop all treatments and remove the ventilator for my Mom. I cried and cried and cried and prayed and prayed and prayed but what it came down to was that we knew mom would not want to live as she was and she was afraid of suffering for a long time. I wish I had some magic words to take away the hurt. I say it every day "I hate cancer." The pain it causes is unlike anything I ever experienced before and would never wish on my worst enemy. I hope thing get ok for you soon

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(((Missy))) So sorry for you and your family and will say extra prayers. I have to say that you do indeed have a way with words and I look forward to your posts not only for what you type but your "snowbunny" picture just makes your face shine and eyes sparkle. Makes me think you were most likely a handful growing up but what a wonderful loving daughter you are when mom needs you the most. We are all here if you need us.

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Oh Missy - you are such a sensitive and loving daughter. I hate to see this happening to your Mom. I hope this is just a bump in the road, but I know the road has been a long and difficult one for her. :( I know how you are feeling about listening to her breathing. It is so hard to hear a loved one struggling and heaving for breath. Please know you are all in my prayers.

Big hugs to our sparkly-eyed Snowbunny.

Welthy

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Dear Missy,

I am so sorry to read your Mom is not doing well. It is so difficult as a child to watch your parent suffer. And I can relate to those "mixed" feelings of so badly not wanting her to go, but then realizing that keeping her here would mean more suffering.... so at times you pray that God will be merciful...It is so hard to find the strength. Don't ever feel "guilty" about asking God to spare her and take her home with him. Wanting that, is just a testiment to the great love you have for her... I came to realize that with my Dad. I am praying for you Missy. Love, Sharon

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