missyk Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 And so the ups and downs continue...just seems like there aren't too many ups anymore. I'm worn out from crying tonight. Mom's just not doing well at all and it's hard to go from "fight, fight, fight!" to "this is how it is". Her sob has become so troublesome that it's worrying my sf terribly and as he works nights, wonders all the time at work whether she'll be alive when he gets home in the morning. She's now on oxygen and says the strangled feeling isn't as bad...but that the dr's said that when it gets to be evening and she's really having trouble, just take some more ativan. We're on that slippery slope down hill, I think. I've been spending time each weekend (I wish I could be up there more!) with her. Tonight I just laid by her side and rubbed her back and listened to the sound of her labored breathing and found myself telling the Big Man that I REALLY don't want her to have to live like this for long. I don't want to lose my mom...but I know that one of her worst fears was drowning/suffocating...and it seems like that's what she's doing right now. The doctors have no "good answer" as to what's going on with her...it's just the body wearing out, I guess. She rarely eats and she's bony...something I have never remembered my mom being. She told me that she lost another 11 lbs in 9 days. I've lost track of how much she's actually lost but I'd guess it's close to 100 lbs at this point. I long for the "old days". I still remember what it was like "before" and I steel myself against those memories right now for the sake of my sanity...the longing can be so intense. Mostly...I don't want her to suffer. But it's hard to wish that when I want so much for her to not have to leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Missy I was so sad to read your post. I really was hoping you mom was still doing good. It breaks my heart that she has gone downhill. She was such a amazing women. She certainly showed them who is boss! She has been on some rollercoaster ride. I could understand how you would want it to end.... but then she's your mom. So understable... I really pray for a miracle for her to pull through this. You are such a wonderful daughter who has been by her side through all of this. She is so proud of you! I pray she makes it for the birth of her grandchild in August. You know we are here for you. Please sweetie, keep us posted. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calintay Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Oh missy - I am so sorry. My prayers for yo and your mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley (MLC) Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I'm so sorry Missy. I wish there was something I could say that would help. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom and family. Shelley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 My heart goes out to you for the agony that you have to endure. My prayers of comfort and peace for you, your mother and family. Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 (((Missy))), You articulate your feelings so well. I cannot imagine just where you are at this point on the roller coaster ride we know as LC ~ but your words give me a lttle peek. I will pray that whatever YOU are praying for is how things will be.......for you are the one who most certainly knows what would be best at this time. I feel helpless to comfort you, Missy, but am here to lean on whenever you need. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Missy~ I am so sorry for what your mom is going through. It is heart breaking for you all. Maybe you could talk with her hospice nurse about some of your fears and see what she thinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hockeyma Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Hi Missy Sorry your mom and family are going through this right now. My husband is pretty much at the same stage now too. All the best and stay strong for her and your family. Heather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary Cer Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. Rely on Hospice for support. I am praying for you and your family. Mary Cer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I am sad reading this..just know that you and your mom are in my prayers. Love, Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiesia Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I am so sorry to hear that Missy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crystleshoe Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Missy I am so sorry you are at this point. I was where you are at 2 months ago when we had to decide to stop all treatments and remove the ventilator for my Mom. I cried and cried and cried and prayed and prayed and prayed but what it came down to was that we knew mom would not want to live as she was and she was afraid of suffering for a long time. I wish I had some magic words to take away the hurt. I say it every day "I hate cancer." The pain it causes is unlike anything I ever experienced before and would never wish on my worst enemy. I hope thing get ok for you soon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 (((Missy))), I am so very sorry to read this about Sue. I can relate to all of the feelings that you are going through. It's hard and so heartbreaking to see our loved ones this way. I'm praying for you, your mom and your family. Love, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I, too, am so sorry you are going through this. It is obvious how much you love your mom. I', praying for strength and peace for you both. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judy-OK Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 (((Missy))) So sorry for you and your family and will say extra prayers. I have to say that you do indeed have a way with words and I look forward to your posts not only for what you type but your "snowbunny" picture just makes your face shine and eyes sparkle. Makes me think you were most likely a handful growing up but what a wonderful loving daughter you are when mom needs you the most. We are all here if you need us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddyslittlegirl Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Hi Missy, I'm so sorry for what you and your mom are going through right now. I understand about wanting to go back, I'm still looking for the rewind button myself. Hang in there. I'm praying for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Oh Missy - you are such a sensitive and loving daughter. I hate to see this happening to your Mom. I hope this is just a bump in the road, but I know the road has been a long and difficult one for her. I know how you are feeling about listening to her breathing. It is so hard to hear a loved one struggling and heaving for breath. Please know you are all in my prayers. Big hugs to our sparkly-eyed Snowbunny. Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Missy, words are hard to find but prayers are easy to say and they will be there. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Missy, I am sorry to hear of your mother's decline. it is nice that you can be with her and comfort her on the weekends. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 OH Missy...I am so sorry. Please know you have my prayers. Where is your mom? You said she was north of you? You know how midwesterners are...Iowa is close! Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Dear Missy, I am so sorry to read your Mom is not doing well. It is so difficult as a child to watch your parent suffer. And I can relate to those "mixed" feelings of so badly not wanting her to go, but then realizing that keeping her here would mean more suffering.... so at times you pray that God will be merciful...It is so hard to find the strength. Don't ever feel "guilty" about asking God to spare her and take her home with him. Wanting that, is just a testiment to the great love you have for her... I came to realize that with my Dad. I am praying for you Missy. Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Your poor mama. I hate that she feels so bad. I will keep you both in my prayers. (((MISSY and SUE))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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