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How I feel today


lennonsgirl

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Well, I guess it started last night. I dream about mom a lot (she passed 1/13/07). Sometimes I can talk to her, sometimes I can't, sometimes we talk and I don't remember what she said. Last night I definitely knew she had cancer in the dream but I was hopeful that this was our second chance to somehow beat this thing. By the end of the dream that final night of her at home being in pain and screaming leaked in and it freaked me out enough to wake me up. I had (still have the residue) of a migraine upon waking so I called in later for work. Now I'm on the edge of tears and don't think I'll make it in today.

I picked up her remains on Thursday. I know that was a really long time from her passing til now but I just couldn't go get her. That whole day beforehand I was miserable. When I went to get her (with a close friend) I was actually so glad to have her. I walked around my apt with her, sat her beside the couch (I no longer sleep in the bedroom b/c that's where she had her final night here) and talked to her. But now I'm less ok. I have my uncle Bill's remains, too, (he died 1/2/06) and he was 2 years older than my mom. I was close to him as well as the youngest boy of the family (there were 9 kids total) and I just don't understand why two people I love so much are in these tiny boxes. Why my mom? What am I supposed to do now without her? I'm just a baby...I'll be 29 in two weeks and this is the first birthday I'll spend without her. There's going to be so much in my life that I'll have to do without her and I don't know if I can handle that. This is so messed up. I can't let the sadness out the right way because I'm afraid I'll never come back from it. Then I'm so numb sometimes I don't feel anything at all and that scares me. This shouldn't have happened to her. I wish it would've been me instead.

I'm sorry if I rambled and this didn't make sense. I'm just confused and sad and lonely and I want my mommy.

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Your post just breaks my heart. It is not fair that a 29 year old girl doesn't have her Mom around... IT JUST ISN'T THE WAY IT SHOULD BE... but, unfortunately, life deals us hands that we sometimes just don't understand at least not now, maybe later on. I have no quick and easy answers for you, I would suggest that if this depression does not lift soon, you think about speaking with a professional. You are too young to "wish it were you" instead of your Mom... and your Mom would not like to hear you talk that way, this I am sure of. She would want you to go on with your life and keep her in your heart. I will pray for you. Love, Sharon

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It's not fair, and I'm so sorry you are going thru this.

Those of us who have been there understand what you're going thru. And you don't have to go thru it alone.

Think about a support group or counselling or anti anxiety medications. None of it will bring your mom back, but one or all of it can help you cope with your grief. We don't 'get over' it, we just need to find the strength to get thru it.

I don't have either of my parents anymore since Jan 22, 2007 and I keep telling myself that my parents would want me to go on, to live a good life, and to live a happy life....on my darkest days, I try to keep that in mind because I know it to be true.

We are here for you. Keep posting. It does help too.

I'm hoping you find some comfort soon in your dreams and that memories will bring smiles instead of pain.

((hugs))

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I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I was 30 when I lost my mom, so I can relate to the feelings you are dealing with. I know that it's hard to remember the good memories right now but those days will come with time. You're a part of your mother and she will always live in your heart. I know that she is watching over you and sending you her love. Just remember that you have a lot of friends here that really care and want to help.

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I am sobbing as I respond. My mom passed away on Jan 13th also. I have no answers for you as I am still trying to make it thru a day without crying for my mom. My mother was a member of our church and before she got sick was there faithfully for whatever was going on, my dad still attends faithfully. I had gotten away from it because I moved out of state and it is a 45 minute ride, anyway 2 weeks ago I thought i would surprise dad and go to church I cried thru the whole service( i dont think I have ever been there without mom except for the funeral) and had to leave once, I went back again this past Sunday and for some reason it made me feel like she was still with me. I was with people who loved her and knew how special she was. I dont know if it would help you to be somewhere that you spent good-times with her but I dont think it can hurt. I know how much the pain can sap your strength and make you feel like you cant go on but being a mother myself I know I would want my daughter live her life and enjoy all the good in the world. I am 42 and you would think I could handle it but I think that no matter the age losing your mom is devastatingly painful. I hope you find some peace soon.

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(((((((hugs)))))))

I know what you mean... ALL of it.

There is something profound about being a motherless daughter at any age.

I had moms ashes for a few months before I decided to get her a place in a cemetary. I sometimes wish she was on my mantle still but I go and sit and put flowers on her grave and at home I have a little tribute to her with a candle, picture and few of her things. I am sure people think its a wierd little shrine but who cares. I light the candle every day and let it burn a little.

It took me awhile to even pick this book up but it may be helpful-

it is called Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss

There is a whole Organization and Forum dedicated to Motherless Daughters (just do a simple web search)

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I so relate to your post. I really, really do. I was 24 when Mom died... I'm 26 now. "Just a baby." Exactly.

((((hugs)))) to you. We'll hurt through it together. I'm sorry that right now the pain is so deep... I wish there was something I could say to ease it, but... there just isn't. Our Mom's want us to keep going and do our best to be happy, but I think they get why it's so hard some days too.

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I'm sorry for your pain. Your post touched me so deeply. There is no loss like the loss of a Mother. I am praying for comfort for you and for your pain to ease with everyday.

We are here for you. Hang on......one day at a time. Don't look any further than that. And if that is too much take it one hour at a time. You will get through this.

Sending hugs and prayers your way,

Kate

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You post brought tears to my eyes as my mom just come to my mind with that wondeful smile of hers. You see her birthday was Jan 13 and reading you post just brought this incredible vision of her, so full of life.

I am sorry you are suffering for the loss of you mom. Too many of us have been there. But you will greive, it will come out and you will come back from it. There is nothing wrong with letting go, those feelings will come flooding out.

It is not fair, moms should be immortal. They should always be here for us to share our ups and downs. To kiss away our boo boos. To always give us that special encouragement we need at times.

I do know that my mom is around me when I need her and that helps me through some of my hard times. My parents had such a strong love that it helps me to know that they are together.

I am thinking of you honey...

Maryanne

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