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Giving Myself Permission...


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For as long as I can stand it, at least.

It's the hardest part for me. Giving myself permission to FEEL what's going on around me. I told my husband last night that it hurts too much to feel, so I just don't. But this has a way of sneaking past those barriers.

I'm the one who can sit next to my mother, rub her back, talk about all those things no one else wants to talk about...and do it all with dry eyes. "I cry my tears in private, not showing them even to my husband," is how I explained how "strong" I seem to be. I have a blog that I write on almost daily that some of my closest friends can read...and even there it's a clinical update on how things are going. My tears are mine. But, sometimes, they fall even when I don't want them to.

I'm so scared of "what's next". I think about mom's death and I picture her as she will be...then push that aside as quickly as I can. I see our family without the strongest bond we have and I wonder what will become of us. I look at our children and hope and pray that they will remember her healthy and so very happy to have them in her life. They are her world.

It's like having my heart ripped out of my body an inch...a centimeter...at a time. And, yet, I wouldn't trade this pain for anything in the world because it means I love her that much. I've come to realize because of this disease, that we have a very special relationship...my mother and her children. We feared "the wrath of mom"...but knew every single moment of every single day that she loved us without reserve. As we grew up she wasn't our friend...she was our mother. The one who taught right from wrong. As adults we all found our own way of forming a friendship, too. Now, we're children again...longing for our mom to guide us and comfort us while at the same time parenting our own children through one of the most difficult times in life.

All that needed to be said, all that needed confessed, has been done. We are content in knowing that all has been laid bare between all of us and sins we thought "unforgivable" have, indeed, been forgiven. Now we begin a journey that will feel like eternity...and pass all too quickly...like we've taken each journey in our lives, together and with laughter and humor ever present.

So, I've given myself permission to feel...if but for such a short time. It is cathartic, rejuvinating, and lets me leave and head to bed tonight with a smile on my face and joy in my heart rather than tears on my pillow. I thank you for that.

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(((Missy))), your words are both eloquent and poignant. You are a special daughter AND sibling AND friend. You know your tears can flow here.............along with all of ours. May your heart be full of mother's love to help you at this time.

Kasey

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This is just beautiful, Missy. And I related to it in so many ways. I can blog and talk about my thought-feelings til I'm blue in the face, but I suck at giving myself permission to feel them.

We're here and we love you and Ms. Sue. Let us prop you up.

Always here if you need to soggy a shoulder.

Val

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I can completely relate to what you're going through, Missy. I'm focused on being as strong as I can but sometimes I just want to scream!! Since getting the news about my father's dx., I have hidden my tears from everyone, including my husband. I actually found myself comforting my friends when I told them and they burst into tears! It's like I'm afraid if I let myself give in to the grief a little, the flood gates will open and I won't be able to function.

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So eloquently put, Missy. Your first paragraph, "this has a way of sneaking past those barriers" sounds so familiar to me. I burst out bawling after the 1997 World Series, when Dad's team lost, because my Dad wouldn't see another Series, and dammit they were supposed to win for him! Sneaked up on me like a burglar in the night.

((hug)) You are fortunate to have such a loving mother, and she is fortunate to have you. God bless you and her. - Teresa

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Missy that was such an incredible post. It brought my Mom's battle back like it was yesterday. I think Moms and daughters have a special relationship that is beyond words. In so many ways we are so alike and we do for them what we would want for ourselves if in that position. I think that is where the strength comes from. Personally, I tried to bring as much normalsy to the situation as possible by talking about the things we always talked about. Cancer talk was always initiated by her, on her terms and schedule. She never saw me cry about it and I'm not the kind of person that holds it together easily. But I knew I had to do it for her.

Keep your chin up. You're Mom is so lucky to have you for a daughter. I'm sure she is very very proud of you.

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Pre-grieving ... that's how I'd describe it, everything you would do on the first day of a spontanious death ... you get to do in advance. I think it's what will get you threw and make the hardest days somewhat functionable for you. Much like me I understand your efforts when using blogs for daily out pouring ... how ever if you can't tell your husband ... maybe he should be a frequent visitor as well as your friends?

I however can hold it in like I'm a walking tomb as well ...... it's not the best way, but it works. I have to remind myself this is my key and I can unlock as little or be as selective as I want ... but it does have to come out eventually!!!

Best of luck to you and remember to turn the key to release as often as possible.

Tammy

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That was so beautifully written, as always! You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate it. It is so important to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you need to feel. I have had a hard time with that myself through this. Thank you, again, for sharing.

Flowergirlie

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