Family situation is a nightmare

[sophie06]

Hi everyone,

Well, I really think I'm at the end of my rope trying to deal with my dad and sisters. Our situation is complicated, but I'll try to put it in a nutshell.

When Mom was diagnosed in Dec '05 with NSCLC, neither one of my older sisters called, visited, etc. They have been estranged from her for years due to a matter of my grandparents' estate and being left out of their will. They resented my mom for it, (she was an only child), and blamed her for not passing along a sizeable inheritance to them.

Two years later, Mom divorced Dad due to his alcoholism, and this caused an even bigger split between my mom and sisters. They thought she was wrong to divorce him. They sided with Dad, and to this day, they still keep in touch with him only.

Dad eventually went into treatment and my parents remarried a few years ago. Things with my sisters never got resolved. They still only speak to Dad, and he has done nothing to remedy this.

So here we all are today - my oldest sister has written Dad letters, saying Mom deserved the cancer. My middle sister echoes the same sentiment.

Dad is nothing but a roommate for my mom - he cooks and grocery shops, and drives her to her appointments. He refuses to sleep in the same bedroom with her. I finally hired a cleaning lady to take care of the house, and I do Mom's hair, nails, errands, etc. every day. I work full time and take care of my teenage daughter, otherwise I'd be available more to her.

Yesterday, I told my dad that Mom wanted me to look into preplanning funeral arrangements, and he basically lost it - yelled at me for even considering planning a funeral service for her. He thought she would be cremated and "that would be it."

Mom has told me her wishes - a private funeral service with interrment at the cemetery - maybe a few hymns, too - and he rolled his eyes. I wanted to yell at him so badly, what is wrong with you?? Doesn't your wife deserve a service??

His big complaint is that she has been a "poor mother" to my sisters - it's all her fault - and now he keeps asking the doctor for a timeline. He doesn't want Mom to continue any more chemo, but Mom wants to keep fighting.

I'm at the end of my rope here. My dad is taking out his anger on me - and I'm in the middle. My sisters don't speak to me, either. They have done everything possible to belittle me all my life and now my dad is supporting them and their views. I'm so tired of this!

Sorry to ramble on and on, but I can't handle this anymore. I just want to tell my dad to leave. Mom is so lonely at night, and I'm ready to take an air mattress out there and sleep on her bedroom floor. I am legally her POA for healthcare and finances, so Dad can't tell the doctors to stop treatment, thank God.

This family is a mess, and I know I can't fix it. My mom deserves so much more than this cruel treatment from my dad and sisters. I'm so angry I can't even think straight. I'm having anxiety attacks every day now, and it's all I can do to put a smile on my face for my mom. I'm trying, I really am trying hard to keep Mom's spirits up, but it feels like I am falling apart.

Please, anyone, I'm needing advice really, really badly right now. Thank you!!

[Treebywater]

Is there any way you could get her (and you!) out of that situation physically? Could your Mom move in to your place?

I just hurt for you that your family is being so hateful. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[EastCoastLadi]

Sophie,

I am sorry you have to go thru this mess. It is a very good thing that you are your moms' POA. I would ask you is your mom still "mentally competent"? because if she is, you can pre-arrange with her, funeral arrangements, I know how difficult that can be, but that at least would be one burden off of you and your moms' shoulders.

As far as your sisters and dad are concerned, it is very sad and unfortunately you're not alone in this situation, when crisises come you truly see who is there and who isn't, even in your own family. I know you are concerned with what they feel, but it's not about them, it's about your mom, and you just keep on doing what she wants, because you know what is right for her.

I want to know are you her Health Care Proxy?, because if you aren't or she hasn't decided, please made sure your mom has you as her HCP, because you don't know exactly what is going to happen to her and you seem to be the sole person who has her best interests in mind.

I bet you your mom is appalled at this too, but the best you can do, is get all the legal documents in place, try not to deal w/ your dad and sisters, if you feel your mom is not in a good, safe place, take the measures to get her out. and if she is capable of making decisions, talk to her, not holding back, don't sugar coat it, just be honest and try to work things out with her, and her alone.

please let us know, I pray that you can work some things out.

Grace

[sophie06]

Thank you so much, Treeby & Grace!!

Yes, I was designated POA for my mom when my parents divorced, and my mom has kept me as POA for healthcare, as well as for financial matters, too.

Mom has been having periodic episodes of confusion in the last few weeks, but for the most part, she is clear-minded. She is so hurt by all of this, but especially my dad's hostility toward her when it comes to my sisters. She actually has mentioned moving into a smaller place, and there have been times when she hints around that she regrets getting remarried to Dad. I know I will keep fighting for her, for as long as she wants.

Well, it's just been a bad few weeks dealing with my sisters' and dad's attitudes. I'm so grateful for your replies - thank you for listening & for your advice. It really means the world to me.

[carolhg]

I am so very sorry that you have to deal with family problems on top of what you are going through with your mother's health care. My prayers for you for strength. Please take the time that you need to keep yourself strong and healthy.

Carol

[Flowergirlie]

I am sorry for your difficult situation. Having cancer is hard enough without having the addition of painful family issues rearing its head. Unfortunately family and money can cause such splits. I have experienced that myself. Being there for your mom and loving her is so important. You can not force others to be compassionate and are not responsible for their lack thereof, but only for yourself. Try to stay positive. We are always here for you!

Flowergirlie

[kamataca]

I am just so sorry that you are having to fight battles within your family as well as the physical battles your mother is going through.

It sounds like your mother trusts you with her wishes. I would make sure that you are protected legally, and then do what your mother wants, regardlesss of who it irritates. Your mother chose you as her POA for a reason.

Please keep us updated. I will be praying for you....and a miracle for your family. We are always here if you need us.

Kelly

[fillise]

Wow Sophie--I am so thankful that your mom has you to be her advocate. At some point you are likely going to have to proceed with plans despite your family. Since you have her POA I don't believe you have to consult with them and it sounds like it might be better if the plans are made without their input. You can make the arragements and then just tell them that it's been done per you mother's wishes when the time comes. It sounds like they won't be happy, but at least you will know that someone is honoring your mom's wishes. Hopefully, that will provide some comfort to you since it looks like you won't get any from your father or sisters. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that situation on top of your Mom's illness--Susan

[mamasbabygirl]

Oh goodness, I can relate to alot of this. All I can say from my experience is "Stand up for your mom's wishes" every step of the way. You will have no regrets in doing so and I believe the family stuff will all work out. That's how it happened for me. I send you positive vibes for stepping up for your mom, lots of willpower and hugs!

[Nick C]

I have no advice. Often we picture a family at times like this all being in the room and sad...maybe that one estranged sister coming home.

As we all have found, the crisis of LC doesn't actually fix or wipe away all the other difficulties...actually, often it makes them worse.

Just know you are not alone. Many have experienced this type of insensativity, and when you need to vent about it, there are peopel here who get it.

[TamHol]

It's amazing what families are willing to do to each other and they are in fact supposed to be the ones that love us the most .....

It leaves a bad taste in your mouth I know but continue the way you have! Your the bigger person in all of this as far as I can see .... let them all live with their own mistakes and burdens. Don't try to fix something that they obviously don't think is broken ... just do what you know is best.

Instead of fighting and trying to let them know where they are making their mistakes and basically beating a dead horse. Just simply state the obvious at whatever moment strikes you or presents it's self .... "This is what she's asked me to do and I'm not denying her! ", "Who are we to judge, everyone makes mistakes and has moments of pure stupidity?" "I'm not comfortable with living my life knowing I didn't do what I could when I could." Simple things that are not arguementative (cause you just don't need that), but just enough to make the point.

Your better than me, I would've wasted no time after his 'His big complaint is that she has been a "poor mother" to my sisters.' I would've thrown it in his face and said "And this bothers you so much you married her a second time! And what does that make you pathedic or romantic?" Now that would've been classified as arguementative!!!

You are so much more than them and your Mom obviously knows this since she made you the P.O.A. I'm not advicating anything ........ but an "over pleasantly" stated reminder of that fact "And this is why Mom made me POA and not you ..." is definately in order and appropriate. As well, take that act as your compliment and pat on the back at the very least from your Mom. As far as your venting ..... make sure you say it when you can or you'll loose sleep over "what should've been said". Do whatever you can to relax yourself and give you small pleasures afer dealing with them.

Tammy

[Kathleen1]

Sophie, I agree - Mom made you POA for a reason. They should all be ashamed of themselves! Is there anyway you can bring Mom home to live with you? Would that actually be easier for you and your daughter to be at your home rather than you at Mom and Dad's? Be strong. I had to be strong with my family, although not quite as bad of a situation. But still felt I had to protect my Mother at times from my sibling. Be strong and do as you and your Mother wish. You will have no feelings of regret. Someone needs to stand up and honor your Mother's wishes. She is so very lucky to have you! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of your Mother's illness. It is not fair. But I have faith you will do your best and your Mom will know every step of the way. Prayers of peace, strength and comfort being sent your way.

Kate

[daddyslittlegirl]

This story is so disturbing. Families are suppose to stick together especially in a time like this. Just focus on what is best for your mom and it will all work out. If you want your dad to leave you just have to understand the impact it may have on your mom. Your are a remarkable person to be able to deal with all this. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself too. Your mom really needs you. My prayers are with you.

[sophie06]

Mom has suggested we move in with her - she loves her home, her gardens, etc. - and so we are seriously considering it.

I think all of the prayers from everyone have helped - I feel much stronger today and more at peace. My standard reply to Dad & my sisters is going to be, "This is what Mom wants and I'm following her wishes."

I'm so grateful to have found this forum & for the support. Thank you everyone

[mamasbabygirl]

Sounds like the perfect response Sophie. You are doing the right thing.