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Joe's birthday


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Today, April 6th, would have been Joe's 40th birthday. The big 4 0. I am so sad that he never made it that far.

I have been dreading this day. I remember last year, his birthday was the day after his 2nd chemo. He actually felt good enough to eat so we ordered Chinese and watched The Best of Saturday Night Live and laughed till we were crying! It was such a good day! Today I found myself in the kitchen at 4 am eating a bowl of cereal and sobbing. I talked to him and kept telling him that I was sorry. Sorry this happened, sorry I didn't do more, sorry I wasn't more, sorry I didn't say the right things, on and on and on. I still feel so much guilt and I know I shouldn't. I have also met an INCREDIBLE guy who understands where I am and is patient and kind and sincere. I feel guilty about that! I feel like Joe thinks I have forgotten him, which I will NEVER forget. Like I have swept him under the rug and moved on. I didn't think it would be this hard! Anyway.........I do believe that Joe has sent this wonderful man to take over where he left off. That is what all my friends say too.

So today I am taking my mother shopping and then I am meeting friends for lunch (not Chinese) and spending time with them. I kind of wanted to be alone today but I know I would do nothing but cry.

So enough of me rambling on..........

I can't tell you all enough how much this site has helped me. I know I can come here at any time (note the time) and have a shoulder to lean on.

Thank you!


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Jill, these birthdays can be really tough days for us to get through. Just try and focus on the happy memories and good times you and Joe had together. Also, remember that Joe would want you to be happy. I know, from moving on with someone myself, that these feelings of guilt can be really hard to deal with. Just remember that God blessed each of us with life. I think we need to remember that blessing and enjoy life to the fullest. Please PM me if you want to talk more about the guilt feelings, as I've definitely been there and felt that!

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Jill I am so sorry.

It yet another first (and they are tough).

I'm sure you did everything you could. But I know the "still being sorry" feeling you are having. I often times find myself saying I am sorry, too.

I hope you find a little comfort today.

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