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90 days - where's my badge


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90 days.

It's been almost 90 days since I've seen my mom....I can't believe it has been that already. And on the other hand it feels like I haven't seen or hugged her in years. Gosh I miss her....I miss her and my dad and the way it "was"....

I still can't believe she is gone sometimes....I am such a different person without her in my life, and this grief is certainly a different, yet equally painful as the grief I have over losing my dad.......

The days still come, my children grow, they learn and are doing so many new things in only 90 days....

And I am coming out from under the fog....It's still overcast and cloudy over my spirit, but I can see thru the fog.

I no longer lay in mourning....refusing to go out, not getting dressed and showering sporadically (yes people, be glad this is online and you weren't here to see what a mess I was)

I am clean and fresh and my eyes are open. There are no tangles in my hair and the sunshine outside doesn't frighten me away..... as time goes on, I have had more days like this than not....

I have many ups and down and even more to go thru yet....but I am making it.

Those of you in this forum...I hope you are making it too. One day at a time, one moment at a time....or if you were like me- one shower at a time


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I know it's been 2 months since Carlton died, and I want my old life back!!!! my house is too much for one adult to take care of! my girls need their daddy, but it's not going to happen. I miss my husband, even when he was sick, I enjoyed the time we were together, I miss the conversations, the laughs, the kisses and I love yous......

...everyone says time heals wounds, but they say nothing about the permanent scars you have...

...take care of yourself Katie


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Yes, EVERYONE in this forum deserves, and has earned, a badge........medal of honor, purple heart! For me, it's well over 20 years and I still wear them with honor. The fog has long dissipated, the sun has shone, but the scars remain......faded though they may be all these years later. (((Hugs))) to all of us!


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Hi Katie,

I am so glad you are healing and at the very least showering :lol:

You do have a wondeful family you have to think of them as well as yourself.

You mom and dad are together and so glad you are getting your life back to a new normal.

Glad to have read this post.

Have a great weekend. It is FINALLY spring here. The weather is in the 70's... Sun feels so good...

Maryanne :wink:

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Katie, I just want to chime in and say that you are a constant support to all of us here. I know your Mom and Dad are both very proud of you. It is so important to go through the stages of grief. You and everyone on this board has handled their grief in such a manner, that it helps those of us who may have to do the same in time. I have truly never lost anyone really close to me. I have been lucky in that way. My parents are both in their late 70's and still going pretty strong. But if either should leave, I really would be a wreck. I worry about my sister. I don't really know a lot about how to grieve as of yet, but I hope I will be able to handle it as well as you have. You are an inspiration to all of us. Your continued support of everyone here is a true sign of courage and strenth and just plain goodness. Know that I think of you often and you will continue to be in my prayers.



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Is the most heartbreaking thing in the world

The pain feels like a knife in the heart

I am so sorry for your loss

but your Mother is always with you and watching over you

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You're not alone in having had those feelings, I've been there a couple of times. It's been a long time for me now, and while it's ok to mourn, and you probably will in some way for the rest of your life, you know that life is for the living.

You have a beautiful family and tons of reasons to get out of bed every day. Of course you know all that--I'm just here to say that you mean a lot to all kinds of people, and we don't like to see our friend feeling like that.

I'm glad you're doing better now, and you look fantastic in that new picture of yours! 8)


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(((Katie))) I so understand...what a difficult journey it is and we are expected to "chin up" and go on with things in this fast paced and less than compassionate society, as though nothing ever happened. I am sorry for your tremendous loss and in the same breath feel happiness that you are seeing some light. I am not there yet, but I will get there too.

Big Hugs! Flowergirlie

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Oh katie

I so understand how you feel. Today is day 100 without my mom. When I say it it sounds like such a long time but when I think about it it seems as if it was just yesterday. I miss her so much that some days the pain is too much. You are a great source of support to all of us here and I am sure your parents are so proud. All we can do... is do the best we can do. Take it second by second(or shower by shower) if you need to.

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Just remember...your children are those rays of sunshine that somehow manage to shine through the fog. They will help you heal!

I think I've told this story here before but your post brought it to mind. A friend of mine lost his wife to lung cancer after many years of marriage. He compared their battle against this monster as a long trip through a dark tunnel, noting there was some light in the beginning, as they entered the tunnel. Then, toward the end, the tunnel was very dark with no light to be seen. But, as he began healing, he was able to exit the darkness of the tunnel and see the sunlight.

Katie, I'm cheering you on and praying the exit to the tunnel comes soon for you!

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Katie - so glad there is a bit of sunshine in your life now (and that you are showering on a regular basis again)! I'm sorry your parents are both gone but I'm glad you are here to share their stories. Hang in there, I'm sure there are many more sunshiney days ahead in your future!


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Katie - I think you are absolutely amazing! You have been through so much and even through it you remain a source of comfort and strength to everyone here. I know your parents are together and frequently discussing what a good job they did in bring the world such a kind person in YOU! Hoping each day gets just a little sunnier for you.


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