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One year ago today...


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I find myself thinking of every moment one year ago leading up to her death and I almost can feel anxiety as if it hasn't happened yet but I know it's going to. One year ago on Tuesday the 25th, my step dad called from the ER at 5 am. She couldn't breathe so he called an ambulance. I remember making a list of things she wanted for her hospital stay... slippers, knitting... I still have the knitting. It was a red throw blanket for me. (I still pull it out and smell it.) I didn't ever bring those things for her because after we signed her DNR, we had her brought home.

We didn't talk alot after I got her all tucked in. She told me she was proud of me and the way my life turned out. She talked about morals, some she gave me and a few of my own.

I think she was trying to say, she was proud that I waited to have kids and my marriage was strong, which was always the thing she wanted me to do differently than she did.

She spoke in a whisper that I can still hear.

That night she woke at midnight, unable to breath. We gave her a nebulizer treatment with morphine on top of her morphine pump so she slept. The next morning (Wednesday) was filled with visitors. By about 11 she was done and wanted no more. At 1 Hospice came and my husband picked up her 'comfort kit' from the pharmacy. My step dad instructed us to say goodbye and leave her alone, that she wanted to be alone.

I did say goodbye, I can't remember it though. I went to the spare bedroom and fell to my knees and screamed into a pillow. I layed on the floor an wept. He gave her ativan and more morphine and she slept. We were allowed to look in but not enter. At 6 10 my brother and I stood in her doorway holding hands. We wanted to be with her but were not allowed. We stepped away for a minute and then went back and she was gone.

I lay in bed with her for a long time after, not able to think of the Lords Prayer. My Aunt said the goodnight prayers instead... Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep,If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my sould to take.

I would give anything to get back those few weeks leading up to that so I could do more for her, tell her more, and love her more.

I feel very alone and incomplete and heartbroken and lost, just like I did the day she left.

I love you so much mom, with all my heart. I pray that you can see me and know I have done nothing but honor you and hold your memory close and continue to love you, and try to learn from you.



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Oh Kim, I am so sorry you are hurting. I truly understand - my Mom will be gone 8 months on April 30th. When you said the words:

"I feel very alone and incomplete and heartbroken and lost, just like I did the day she left."

it hit me so closely. It is just how I feel. There is just no loss that compares to something like this. I am sending prayers your way for comfort and that you feel your Mom's arms around you when you need it most.


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Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you weren't allowed to go in to be with your mom. I can feel the pain in your words.

I'm with you about wishing you could get the last couple of weeks back with your mom.

Thinking of you,


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