mom2eight Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 My mil is at the end stages lung cancer after being diagnosed last August. She was a smoker, so not sure what kind she has. She has always been very secretive about this disease, didn't know she was stage IV for months! Within the last few weeks, she is sleeping all of the time, when awake is delisional, sees bugs, can't recognize anyone, is basically bedridden. She has started getting very angry all the time. She woke last weekend, only to grab the phone and start dialing 911. Said my mil was deranged and out of control. He went to take the phone and she hit him with it. This week she has refused to eat or drink. Even hospice can't get her to eat or drink. She is fighting with everyone. What is next? How much longer can this go on? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 I am so sorry to hear this news about your mil, but her behaviour is not totally uncommon. I don't have direct experience with the situation you are faced with , but there are members here who have . I would expect the doctor and hospice to be able to give her medication to calm her down. I do know that there are several choices of drugs that may help. I'm sure there will be members who can relate and share their experiences with you. Again, I am so sorry you and your family is having to go through this heartbreaking experience. Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 I am sorry. The hospice nurse should be able to answer your questions about how long your MIL has. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyr Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 So sorry to hear of you MIL situation. I had a similar thing going with my mother at the end. The hospice nurse said the 'bugs' she was seeing were a side effect from the morphine and she added atavan every 3 hours for anxiety and anger. That worked very well for my mother and it calmed her down a lot. She passed very peacefully about 10 days later. Sorry you are going through this, I know what it's like. Good Luck & God Bless wendyr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2eight Posted April 28, 2007 Author Share Posted April 28, 2007 This seems like it has been going on forever. I hate to say it, but I am waiting for this to be over. I feel really guilty about that, but reality is that she is suffering. I am trying very hard to get my sister in law to accept the inevitable, but she won't. I have told her numerous times to say she will be alright to my mil, but she won't because she feels she is lying. I told her it will take lots of time, but you will eventually be okay. I think she will regret it when it is over. I know my mil is hanging on because of her mother and her daughter, who both are still holding on to miracles. She never wanted treatment but went along with it after a month or so because of their pleas. She said from the start she wanted quality time not to be sick for quantity time. It is so sad to say but she has been sick from September, with very few good days. When she is lucid and kind of shakes from her trance-like state, she says she hates herself now and how she is! She calls out her own name, asking where is Elizabeth, only to be reminded that she is Elizabeth. Then she gets mad about it. It is so heartbreaking. Maybe her putting up such a fight when they try to feed and hydrate her, is her way of regaining some control? So sad... :cry My husband's aunt called the other night wanting him to come home (we live in another state). He went to see his mom in September, when she was still herself. We tried to get back but they refused to hear it. Due to us having 8 children, it is not easy to just pack up and go. Even for just my husband to go, we have to plan it, find a place to stay etc... I have offered numerous times to have my husband go back, but they didn't want him to. We kind of resolved it for ourselves by sending things to my mil, pictures, crafts from the kids, etc... I have had the kids call weekly to talk to my fil. I made a beautiful patchwork quilt for her, with each patch having a picture of one of us sewn on. We decided my husband and I, possibly our two youngest who are under two, will just go to the wake/funeral. I don't know what to say about him not going in right now. I wonder if she would even know him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Mom--I don't know what to tell you except that whether your husband goes before or after she passes needs to be a decision you and he make and not one made by the other members of his family. He needs to decide how best to deal with the end stage of her disease--he's the one that has to decide how best to say goodbye to her. God bless you both! Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowergirlie Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 From what I have read and my experience, when someone no longer wants to eat or drink, it is OK for them to not eat or drink. It is a natural part of the process. It is very hard for us to understand this concept without thinking it is cruel to the ones we love so much but to make them eat when they do not want to can actually make them more uncomfortable. I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is so hard. My best to you and your family while you make these big decisions. It is important to make sure all of the important things that need to be said, get said. (((Hugs))) Peace...Flowergirlie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barbara5452 Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Sorry about your Mil, flowergirl is correct my mother was with hospice, the not eating and drinking is part of the process, It would do more harm to force these things on her. Hospice should supply you with some sponges on sticks that will help keep the mouth moist and somewhat hydrated. Prayers are with you and yours.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2eight Posted May 5, 2007 Author Share Posted May 5, 2007 This suffering part is very hard to handle. She can't help anymore when they move her because she can't use her legs. Could this be from the cancer spread in her spine/hips or just lack of use? The one who is going emotionally downhill fast is my fil. He is having such a hard time. The family is also leaving him alone with her all weekend, Fri to Mon. With all of the family members so close, and their financial positions, there is no reason they can't do shifts. I am also completly shocked with my sil, who my inlaws did everything for. She set the stars, the moon and the sun for my mil. She wrote my husband that it won't be long, she is deteriorating so fast, then in the next sentence that she and her boyfriend are going out of state for the weekend to a friend's wedding. Some people! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melindasue37 Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 I suggest asking your hospice nurse for a pamplet called "Gone From My Sight." It is full of information that will be very helpful for you. Here is what it says regarding eating.... Food is the way we energize our body. It is the means by which we keep our body going, moving, alive. We eat to live. When a body is preparing to die, it is perfectly natural that eating should stop. This is one of the hardest concepts for a family to accept. There is a gradual decrease in eating habits. Nothing tastes good. Cravings come and go. Liquids are preferred to solids. "I just don't feel like eating." Meats are the first to go, followed by vegetables and other hard to digest foods until even soft foods are no longer eaten. It is okay not to eat. A different kind of energy is needed now. A spiritual energy, not a physical one, will sustain from here on. I hope this helps just a little bit. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Try to stay strong and know I am thinking of you and your family. Warm Hugs, Melinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted May 6, 2007 Share Posted May 6, 2007 I'm so sorry. Prayers for peace during this difficult time. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2eight Posted May 6, 2007 Author Share Posted May 6, 2007 Thank you so much for the support. It is very difficult to go through this. My mil was very much a caretaker of others, so her being in this position is very hard to swallow. I am also at a loss as to the family who live so close and who are not there pitching in. She would have done it for them in a heartbeat. I am dreading calling my fil tomorrow to see what is up. How much longer can a person live who is not eating, drinking, moving and basically in a trance? I just wish my sil would tell her it is okay to go. I think that may be what she is holding on to. Everyone is also mad at my fil again. I guess he was talking about what he is going to do when she is gone and that she is going to be cremated, while she was sitting there in front of her mom and aunt. They don't handle that kind of talk well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyr Posted May 6, 2007 Share Posted May 6, 2007 Hospice told me that hearing is the last thing to go & that we should be very careful about what was spoken within earshot of my mother. I never forgot that & even though she was comatose I would not allow any of that kind of conversation within hearing distance of her. She was comatose for about 10 days before she passed very peacefully about 12 years ago. She had no food & no fluids, just the sponges dipped in water that I rubbed over her lips & inside her mouth. Good Luck & God Bless wendyr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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