What should I do?

[daddyslittlegirl]

I'm having difficulties with a few things. I'm the youngest of 4 kids and I'm trying to get my family together to push for a second opinion. We have always joined together to get my dad to do what is nnecessary. However, my mother and older sister feel that my dad is getting the best possible care so they won't support it. My sister and I had it out. She told me that "I need to get a grip." I frequently email them articles that I find hopefull, etc. She amade the comment that she isn't on the computer as much as me (in a sarcastic way). By the end of the conversation she made me feel bad for desperately looking for any kind of help I can come up with and for trying to get my family to work together to help my dad. I finally told her and my mother if we can't all work together (and not against each other) like a family should in a crisis, then this family isn't any good to me. My brother is pretty supportive, but my other sister is oblivious. Not only am I the baby, I'm also the closest to my dad. I've never handled anything that he has gone through well. My dad knows how difficult this is for me and he just says he's not going anywhere and not to worry about him. I just remind him how important he is to me and make him promise not to give up.

So then my other issue is my mom is constently reminding me of my dad's "expiration date" (August / September). My dad is such a strong man and you really wouldn't even know he is sick.

I have 2 small children and my daughter has been wanting to go to Disney World. Even though I refuse to live on a time clock, I don't want to go that far away from my dad or be gone that long. I try to spend as much time with my dad as possible (as I always have). However, I don't want to disappoint my kids either. So I compromised with a short trip to the beach in the near future. I know all I will do is think about my dad and I'm not going to be able to enjoy it. But I know my dad would be upset if I didn't do things with my kids. I do want things to be as normal for my dad as possible. What should I do? I know this a lot, but I just don't feel I can talk to my family anymore because we just fight (and that is NOT good for my dad). Thank you for listening and giving your opinion. God Bless!

[fillise]

It's bad enough to have to deal with the cancer, but then it also seems to bring out all the family frictions too.

I would hope that you could feel free to contribute your ideas about your dad's treatment, but in the end he is the one that has to make the decisions about his treatment. You cannot force him to get a second opinion or take a particular treatment.

On the other hand, you can't stop living your life either. i suspect that you are right about your Dad not wanting your to chrotchange your own children because of him. At this stage, it is very likely that nothing will happen if your leave town for a few days or even a week. Life has to go on--otherwise the beast wins and we can never let that happen!

((((Hugs))))

Susan

[Connie B]

I would ask your dad what he thinks about a second opinion. Is he happy with his medical team and how things are going? I really think it's up to your mom and dad to make there choices.

Make suggestions and offer information to them when you find it or have it, but then let them make the decission. If they want to ask all you kids what you think, then thats when you all sit down with mom and dad and talk about it. It's important for your dad and your mom to be comfortable with there doctor's.

I totally understand how you feel about leaving for long periods of time. I went through that with my mom. Maybe Disney isn't in the cards for you right now, but as you said a day or two to the beach may be what works best for you. I'm not sure how your dad is doing or feeling, but if he's doing okay, then take advantage and go spend a day of fun with the kids.

[Sheri]

I'm sorry for all you're going through, it's tough. I haven't been anywhere in three years, forfeited vacation days because I haven't wanted to be far from my Dad.

I don't know the complete health of your Dad but from your profile I see they aren't offering chemo. Is he too frail? There are lots of IIIb'ers that are able to maintain their disease with chemo. I would push for a second opinion also. The best example would probably be Ry's husband, Mr. Ry. Check out their profile, hopefully they will be around to offer encouragement.

As for the "expiration date", let's hope your Mom isn't also reminding your Dad. Suggestion can be very powerful. My Stepmom, secretly asked the pulmonologist at diagnosis what my Dad's prognosis was. We were upset when days later, she revealed her big secret that he had 12-18 months. She thought she possessed some powerful knowledge that we weren't aware of. As you can see he surpassed his expiration date.

Don't give up on your family. Keep fighting for your Dad. Serious illness can bring out the worst in the best of families. Good luck!

[beat it]

Copied from a previous posting of mine.

My MIL Stage 4 NSCLC. I turned into an instant advocate. Requested by family to be there. I have researched, studied and flat lived cancer since the dx. After learning so much from self studies I completely changed my own lifestyle. A FIRM believer in health, excersice and knowledge of this desease. I became incrediably frustrated early on with my families denial of the situation and the seemimgly lack of will on my MIL part to make obvious proven lifestyle changes to help her situation.

I now know (after repeated slams of my own head into the hardest brick wall) that you cant fight another persons cancer. No matter how much you believe in the correct method to fight and your own stamina to fight it, the cancers not yours.

I have had to bite my tounge and reserve comment so often. Each person is different with different strenghs,weaknesses, fears and abilities. I cant fight her cancer for her. I can only offer the sincerest heart felt advice and compasion. I have to respect her desicions and abilities.

I think most of the frustration is due to the degree in which we love our person with cancer. Our own selfish desire to have them beat it and live to stay here with us.

You as I may have to settle that battle with in yourself. Then you can go forward and help.

Each family member will react differently. Our own thinking seems right when others may seem horribly wrong. We must remember everyone will handle this differently and to the best of their ability. Try not to divide the family only for the sake of your own opinion. I was devistating to me when I did.

I wish you the best. I unsderstand COMPLETLEY.

Beat it!!

[Don M]

It does sound like your mom and older sibs may be somewhat complacent. Fortunately for me, I don't have that problem. I serve as my own advocate and am forward looking as I know how in seeking the best treatment possible. Maybe you can interest your dad in learning about his disease and its treatment and then maybe he will be interested in trying stuff like cyberknife or getting a second opinion... a second opinion can be educational if nothing else.

I spend a LOT of time on the computer, and most of it is lc related.

Don M

[donnalee]

My only advice is to not have your dad make promises he can't keep. It's not fair to him. Don't abandon your family now. Trust your mom and dad to know what is right for them.

[daddyslittlegirl]

Thank you all for your advice. I will take it to heart. I truely don't feel I'm slefish not to want my dad to suffer from this horrible disease. My mom told me that I'm fortunate becaue her mom went quickly and she didn't have time to say goodbye. Fortunate??? I don't consider myself fortunate to watch my dad suffer. My sister said she's glad that she has gotten this time so she can let my dad know how she feels about him. I don't need this time for that reason. I live EVERY day of my life letting him know how important he is to me. To me that is selfish. I want my dad here for as long he can, but I don't want him suffering. That's why I want him to try what ever is possible to avoid that. I hope that makes sense. Even though my dad is doing pretty well right now, I fear for what the future holds. Please pray for him. Thank you and God Bless!

[mom2eight]

If you can wait for the vacation, I would wait. I would just really enjoy your father and spend time with him while he is still up and about. Disneyworld will always be there, your dad won't. Can you do any little trips with him? I really think your family is just trying to make you feel better or themselves, by saying the things they are saying. It is not to be cruel or mean, just how they say things. I know everyone was mad at my fil last I heard because he was talking about "when Elizabeth dies" instead of denying it. My mil was also told inoperable, has some chemo but nothing worked, some radiation, but it still spread and she is now at the final stages. She was dx in August and now it is pretty close to the end. Even now, some of the family is denying it, my sil is running away from it, and my fil is breaking from it. I found myself being judgemental, especially about my sil's lack of involvement, but that is something she is going to have to live with. Your dad is putting up a brave front for you!

[daddyslittlegirl]

Thank you. That is actually how I feel. I already made up my mind that Disney World is out of the question. Fortunately my kids are young and we have many years for them to enjoy it. I would LOVE to go on a trip with my daddy, but he just isn't much of a traveler. In August we took him and my mom to Atlantic City and I was planning on doing it again this year until we found out about this. I just want to spend as much time with him as possible. He lives about 40 minutes from me and I still go up 2-3 times per week. I want so badly to revert to being a little girl again and move in with him. But I have other my husband and children to take care of. And I want to do my best to bring them as much happiness as my daddy has always brought me. I know that is what he wants. Thank you again for listening and the advice. God Bless you all!

[crystleshoe]

I am so sorry for all you are going thru. I am also the "baby" of the family. I was pushing for a second opinion and every one else was ok with my moms doctor and care. So i gave in and let it be because mom said she and dad wanted to stay with the hospital and doctors that they knew and were local. I now live with the regret of not insisting on it cuz when I look back on things I think we might have had more time. You can only do what your dad wants and you can give him the info you find and let him decide what to do. If I have learned anything from all of the wonderful people here it is that you can only do the best you can do and everything we do for them is out of love. I am wishing you well and sending you some extra strength to be strong for your dad.

[tiredmom959]

I, too, am the "baby" of four, AND the only girl.

It was a blessing ... I was laid off from my job the month before my mom was diagnosed. When she got sick, I just stopped job searching. Thank goodness my husband has a good job.

The most important thing is, find out what your DAD wants. Then, do the best you can to see his wishes are carried out.

[Tanner]

If your dad is comfortable with his doctor - then that is the bottom line. If he doesn't want a second opinion - then that is the bottom line. It is hard to hear as someone who loves our family members with cancer, but in the end only they can fight it, we can't. I wish desperately that I could fight my wife's cancer, but I can't. I can only give her my opinion and support her in her decisions. If you threaten to leave the family because they aren't listening to you, you will be the one to suffer. Don't cut yourself off from them. Everyone is dealing with your dad's cancer the best that they can right now. Let them have their experiences. Honor their experiences and honor your own experience. Don't push them to be where you are. I fear you will only push them away. Offer up what information you have, and let it go. You dad is the only one in control of his life and his body. I wish you luck.

Tanner

[Nick C]

I always say, during times like these it woudl be nice if family actually worked better, but it doesn't seem to. The issues sometimes get flared up.

I don't have siblings, and mom was divorced, so I had no conflict in decision making, but as far as the trips go, I get it.

And I think that it is OK to tell the kids no, and your dad doesn't need to know you are changing plans.

There is a time and place, and sometimes life dictates it, not you. And that is OK for Kids to struggle with and learn that lesson.