"Grandma" name.... She asked....--updated with fi

[Treebywater]

So, I called my Dad today to make final arrangements about how we are getting him from the airport to our place tomorrow. He's flying in for the baby festivities. At the end of the phone call he says, "Shari has asked if it would be ok if she were the 'grandma' to your kids." The concept of her 'being grandma' is ok with me. I say, well yes... I mean, she's already doing that. Then he says, "She wants them to call her Grandma."

My reply was that I thought the kids would show us the way on that, and I had a feeling they would know what to call Shari. He said that she is afraid that they won't. I think she really wants the specific "Grandma" title.

Ah guys.... I'm almost 2 years out here, but I don't want someone who isn't Mom to have that name. At least not yet. Andy and I have discussed it a lot. He has a Grandma who married his Grandfather when he was very little. Everyone in the family calls her "Anna Mae." When he was old enough to understand he 'chose' to call her 'Grandma.' And I thought that was the perfect solution. The kids decide what special word to assign her, be it Grandma or Nana or something else. And our not just jumping to 'Grandma' opens the door for them to learn about Mom. Andy says if he'd just called Anna Mae Grandma from the beginning he never would have thought to ask about who 'Grandma Myrtle' was.

But she asked.... and I feel like a heel saying no.

Talk about a cruel thing to ask an about to pop pregnant woman. And now I feel like it's going to 'be there' during the time that Dad is here with us. Maybe it just is time to have the honest--"Dude you were dating her 2 months after my Mom died, slow the heck down and let me catch up a little!" talk. Despite the misgivings you've all heard here all Dad has seen is the happy, supportive--'Whatever makes you happy and helps you through this, Dad' face. Even those first few months when it ate me up inside.

Or maybe it's time to just do what makes sense and give her the title.

But that hurts.

Am I being stupid by not wanting to give her that name just yet? Is it mean of me? I don't want to be mean. What I WANT is for my Mom to be Grandma. But I can't have that.

So.... yeah....

I would love perspective from everyone. From other LC 'kids' to those of you who have remarried after a loss.

Alright, I'll take my pregnant hormones outta here now.

[fillise]

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you want the kids to call you--they name you themselves.

My Mom did NOT want to be called Grandmother because her Mother insisted on being called that and my Mom thought it was too formal. She decided that she wanted to be called Grammy.

As soon as my first niece began to talk she has called my Mother "Grandmother" and nothing else. Now my Mom thinks it's the most beautiful word in the English langauge because it is the name that both her grandaughters call her.

Your children might have given your Mother a different name, or they might give your SM a different name. I don't think it needs to be forced by one party on all the others. Maybe you can come up with something together that works for all.

Good Luck!

Susan

[Kasey]

(((Val))),

You know I come to this 'issue' from the other side. Before I share my thoughts, let me just say.......sometimes we place way too much value on mere words. Your dear Mama is Grandma.........and everyone knows that. Maybe Miss Carolyn and the new little miss not quite yet, but surely WILL when old enough to truly understand.

Fred's grandchildren never knew 'Grandma Brenda', but only knew me. I KNOW I am NOT their grandma, but could hardly love them any more than I do. Fred's children call me Kasey. I never thought to be 'Mother' to them. When there were grandchildren, 'Grandma' just was what THEY named me for the kids. They felt for little kids it would all be just so confusing. Now they are all older and KNOW Grandma Brenda is the Grandma they never had the chance to know. They KNOW I am not REALLY Grandma, but they love me and I am here to love them back. It's all semantics, Val. It doesn't mean Grandma Carol is not REALLY Grandma at all. At least that's not the way it is in our family. We look at pictures of Grandma Brenda together and Fred talks about her......how they met, etc., etc. ~ just like grandparents would share with grandchildren. Then they ask us to share OUR story. Fred's kids lost their mother when pretty young so family pics seem to be more important than they may be to kids who haven't experienced such a loss. I have NO problem with that. But one Christmas, Fred's daughter made a scrapbook of 'our' family......from the first time Fred and I met. It was the most touching gift I have ever received. And STILL, Val, I am NOT a REAL grandmother.....and I know that better than anyone. Some years ago I wrote a poem for Fred's kids and in it I said I felt I was picked by Brenda to help Fred and to watch over her precious children and grandchildren. I am trying to do the best I can in that respect.

Your girls will learn what you model for them......they will know your Mama. I feel you do not dishonor her by having Grandma Shari. But that is only my 2 cents worth. I feel so fortunate that I have been so accepted into Fred's family ~ by all children and grandchildren. You will do what is in your heart to do, Val, and it will be the right thing.

Not sure any of this helps, probably not. Just remember that what is in your heart will be in your girls regardless of whom is called what.

You know I love ya.

Kasey

PS: My 6th - soon here. I can't wait to hear all about it .....especially the 'name' of the new little miss!

[Bev'sSister]

I don't understand why anyone wants to be called Grand-ma. I told my girls when they have babies to have the babies call me Miss Bobby.

Words really don't make a Grandma. It will be her actions. Grandmas are known for spoiling..and I think that is good.

Let us know what you decide.

[ztweb]

Bless your heart. I am so sorry ...

What about a different name? Nana or something like that?

My kids, for whatever reason, call my mom Ammy. She loves it.

I can say this...I don't think SHE should decide what your kids call her. That just isn't the way it goes.

Bless you!

Jen

[Nick C]

My response here isn't going to be the typical, "Nick is a sensative guy" response...it'll be just the contrary...but it is honest.

I have trouble enough with my wife's mother getting to be a grandmother and not my mother...let alone someone else who isn't,according to the rules, rightfully THE Grandmother.

If my father's wife thinks she's getting a grandmother title...she's out of her mind. I don't even refer to her as a step mother to me anymore...I call her my father's wife...because the only person who was a mother to me is gone. And one of the two women who have any right to be called grandma is gone. And for me that's that.

As an aside...mom would going to be Gram.

[shirleyb]

Val,

I do understand. After Randy died, we as a family decided that no one else would be called PaPa because that is what Jacob knew his grandfather as. So when my new husband came into our family, his name became grandpa Mike or "Dude" depending on what they were talking about. Jacob was only three when Randy passed but he still remembers his Papa. That is what counts.

Best wishes on the new baby.

Shirleyb

[raneyf]

I don't think you're hormonal - it would be a big deal to me too. I told my husband if I die and he remarries, I don't want the boys to call her mom.

I have a grandma/grandpa that divorced before I was born. They both remarried and I called their spouses by their given names - Lou and Dottie. It didn't change my feelings for them - Lou was more my grandpa than my real one and I recognized it. But it also made it easy to explain our family history.

I agree, talk to your dad and ask him to slow down. Good luck with the new baby.

[Andrea]

Do what you feel is best. To share our experience:

My mom's dad got killed by a truck crossing the street when my mom was 12. My grandmother remarried Joe when my mom was 19. So when I was born, Joe was just like my grandfather since I did not know better. I was named after my mom's dad and know of him, but I called Joe "papa Joe".

When my grandmother passed, she was buried with the name of her first husband.

[Snowflake]

Val,

You should think of what to call Shari if Grandma is something for just your mother. Don't leave it up to the children to decide. She has shown that she is interested in the role and although this is not how your parents ever planned for it to be, it's what it is. Shari will be a part of your father's life and Shari WILL fill the role of spoiling and loving those little girls. Nana, Granny, Grams...think of something nice that isn't Gramma, but give her a break, too. It can't be all that easy on her, "instant family" and all.

I married my husband six years ago. We were both previously married and Mark is a bit older than me. His kids are all over the age of majority now and there are grandbabies in the mix, the oldest being 3 1/2. Although I have supported his kids through some pretty rough times, there is no acknowledgement of the role I play. Their mother isn't dead, and I am NOT their mother. I don't expect them to call me "mom", BUT, when they are introducing their father and I to their friends and/or dates, being introduced as "My dad and Becky" which then leads to friend/date referring to us as "Mr. X and Becky" just jacks my jaw.

No, you do not have to call me "mom" and you may have chosen to call me by my first name without ever referring to me as Ms. Y, but to introduce me to people as if I'm Dad's flavor of the week is so not cool.

The grands were born after we were married by a few years. I don't want to pull the spotlight from the "real" grandmothers, but on the other hand, having a three-year-old calling me by my first name is not appropriate, either. I asked to NOT be called "Grandma Becky" and to have the little ones just refer to me as "Nana". Sound easy? Well, it was used as "Nana Becky" and it's SOOOO much easier to just leave off the Nana and it's back to the first name again.

I guess, when you take it down to the basics, I'm not their mother, I'm not a grandmother to the kids - I'm just a second income for their father. Sure is nice to know one's place....

Val, I know you are a sweet girl under all that hurt and you would never intentionally hurt Shari. I also understand the specialness of Gramma and how she's not here but should never be forgotten. I do, however, hope that you find a way to offer an olive branch to Shari and give her a warm title for whom she will be - someone special in the lives of your children because she is someone special to their grampa.

No one said it was going to be easy...and I know the reason it pisses me off so much when I feel slighted. I'm hurt, and then I'm mad that once again, I put myself out there emotionally just to get kicked upside the head again.

If I ever thought that being a parent was an unappreciated position, I obviously did not understand what a stepparent goes through. If things are bad, somehow it's my fault and if things are good, it surely can't be for something I've done. Go figure!

...and yes, talk to your dad, too. He should be a bit more sensitive to YOUR needs and feelings. He shouldn't have broached this with you on the eve of your popping! As if there aren't enough crazy thoughts running through your head!

Good luck to you and your little Penelope Agnes in waiting!

[Eileen]

I have never had that experience. However, I certainly can understand your feelings for sure.

and no I don't think you are wrong feeling the way you do as you are still grieving the loss of your Mom.

[Welthy]

I'm with Nick, but not quite in the same situation.

My best friend and I both have step-grandchildren (yes friends, it's true). Neither she or I would EVER think of even mentioning having our spouses grandchildren call us "Grandma". They already have one per side (even in death.) Once in awhile, when they were younger, one of them would sometimes refer to me as "Grandma", but now they always use my first name. I'm of the old school, so I don't like children calling adults by their first name. This is one of the rare exceptions I make. I'll be having Grandchildren of my own (maybe sooner than I thought!) and then I can proudly wear the "Grandma" name. Until then, I'm not anyone's Grandma.

There is only one Grandma per side, per family unit. That name should only be used for the person who is the true Grandma.

Welthy

[Treebywater]

I guess one thing that this thread has shown me is that even though it's 'just a word' this is a charged topic from so many angles as we all feel pretty strongly about it.

I do NOT want to hurt Shari in any way. That is not my intention. I do NOT want her to feel like she has 'second class status.' But I think at this point, my calling her "Grandma" (and that would be what is expected), would hurt ME everytime I said it. I think what it boils down to is I've gotten my feelings out of the way for long enough, and on this issue I'm going to have to ask for a little time to catch up.

I still don't know what to call her in relation to *me.* She came into my life at a point when she never really 'mothered' me, so 'Stepmom' doesn't seem to fit, but as Becky and Kasey and others so aptly pointed out the 'Dad's wife' route doesn't seem the most kind way to go either.

I guess it all just brings home the idea that this 'blending' is going to take some work. I haven't really wanted to think of that, but I guess I need to.

The timing of it all--in a week when I have just longed for my Mom (getting down to the wire with the baby... being in pain when I want my Mom, and when I remember so much of hers.... wanting to call her at each and every "is this labor?" feeling) also really threw me for a loop. It will be emotional enough to welcome this baby into the world without Mom, but to be stewing over this on top of it just seems like too much. As I was struggling for sleep last night working it over and over I couldn't help but just hate that.

I still think our original solution--letting the kids decide on the name or working together to find one, and as they get older explaining the situation and how Shari came into our family (and why we're glad of that!) is the best, and the most palatable to me. Or maybe we can work together to come up with a special name. It is something I want Shari to have (and I expressed as much to her almost a year ago), I'm just not ready for it to be 'Grandma.' The problem is, the feeling that I get from an earlier conversation and from this one with Dad yesterday is she seems to only want THAT name.

That doesn't mean that I don't want her to 'grandmother' my children. I very much do--for them and for her.

And while I do take everyone's point about semantics, to me it really is more than just a word. It's a NAME. The 'Grandmas' in my life were my nurturers and comforters, and I have such beautiful memories of both of them.... Memories I wanted my girls to have with my Mom. It is what it is, and I know they will have their own special memories with Shari. I am glad for that for them, but it still stings for ME.

So it's just a matter of... talking about it in a way that allows me to be honest, but not hurtful. I think *that* will be the tricky part. Hopefully we can come up with a compromise.

Thanks for all the insight all, I'd love to hear anymore that you may have. And I do hope that everyone understands that I'm not trying to be bratty or difficult or hurtful. I'm just trying to find a solution that is least hurtful for all of us. Turns out, that's pretty tricky.

[niececola]

Hi,

I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I know the day is going to come for me and I am not going to want to deal with either.

My Mom's mom died before I was born. She always talked about her, so I had a sense of who she was. And of course you will always talk about your Mom and they will know who she is through you. My grandfather remarried a year after my grandmother died. Looking back, I wish I had asked my Mom how it made her feel for us to call someone else grandma, but could never ask that at the end b/c it would be too upsetting for her.

I am happy my Mom did not make it a big deal about us calling someone else grandma. She was the only grandma I knew. Things were not always perfect with her, that is a whole other story, but I do love her. I think your children will call her Shari b/c you do. Or maybe they will call her grandma b/c your dad refers to her that way, but wouldn't you rather they took their clues from you? I know it is not easy at all. But you sound like you have a lot of respect for Shari and this will probably hurt her. And if you are lucky, your Dad and Shari will be around a long time and your children will have wonderful memories with them and will be loved. Do you want it to hang over them that their Mom did not want them to call her Grandma?

OK, I am sorry if this sounds a bit strong. You are such a caring person and I know that you are trying to do the right thing. I would actually explain to her that you really can't handle them calling her grandma and can you compromise on some other special name. I think that is a great idea that you came up with.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I am still not sure how I would handle it should my Dad remarry, and my Mom has been gone 2 1/2 years.

Good luck.

Denise

[melindasue37]

I won't even tell you what I refer to my stepdads "friend" as.....I don't think the system would allow me to anyway

I think you should sit down with both your Dad and Becky and explain how you feel. She needs to know how delicate of a subject this is. Maybe all of you could come up with a title that makes everyone happy.

[donnalee]

I was talking to my daughter today about this post. She has a 1 year old daughter that will not remember her grandfather who died 3 months ago. My daughter was adamant that she would not want Ali to call any other man that might come into my life "grandpa". I can understand why. I think that those titles should be reserved for biological (or through adoption) family. If I ever do remarry, my husband will be just that. He will not be my daughter's stepfather or my granddaughter's grandfather. Hopefully, that will be enough for him.

[Mskim]

Well Val, you know that I could rant, I could rave and I could cry for this one. Maybe because I am only one year out or maybe because Chip MY MOMS HUSBAND, is remarrying TOMORROW to Miss Sue who I have only had 4 conversations with, I would name her something else, not out of punishment or to make anyone uncomfortable but because the names do mean something to me. If Chip and I ever reconcile (we are not speaking now) my kids will call her Miss Sue or Sue. Yours are younger and may naturally go to Gramma, I know that my Chloe who is 4 (being a girl and the youngest) would probably do that because anyone with a tube of lipstick can win her over and she believes that any older woman can be a gramma to her, she is just so young.

I do want to say good luck!! It sounds like the day is drawing near for the new baby to arrive and I am so thrilled for you and I pray everything goes perfect, including your Dad's visit.

[missyk]

Val...

Now it's my turn to be hormonal! LOL (Which, honestly, this isn't about hormones at all)

I think that my family has found, over the years, a nice balance to "steps" and what titles they take.

When Mom and Ralph married, I was (the youngest) 10 years old. Our father was never really in the picture, so it's not like he was being replaced...we just finally had someone present! Ralph's parents we just called Elva and John...but we also called Mom's parents Pat and Art! When I talked of them, though,or introduced them, they were "my grandparents".

Now that we've started to have children, Ralph, who's never gone by any other name to us, is grandpa or papa, depending on the child, and his dad is Great-Grandpa John. Mom is grandma or grandma Sue. My daughter calls Mark's parents grandma Shirley and grandpa Larry...or grandma and grandpa hammy (that's just what she calls them as a couple LOL) I guess, what it all boils down to, is that I think that allowing the "title" is acceptable, as long as the name follows it, so that there isn't just ONE grandma and it leaves it wide open for her to learn much about Grandma Carol along the way!

Heck...Sabrina, for the longest time, thought every older woman she met was "Grandma Somebody"!! LOL

Ok, now I'm taking my long-winded, hormonal self outta here to write Ralph a big long thank you for being our "dad".

Much love darlin...

[Snowflake]

I can't believe the venom I am reading in some of these posts regarding re-married parents...

My situation is different in the fact that my husband wasn't a widower, he's divorced and Mom is very much in the picture is always stirring up some crap. I did not break up any marriage, they had been separated over seven years and the ink was long dry on the divorce decree before I even met him, but you'd think I lured him away from Mom.

I had two sets of grandparents and some great grandparents when I was a kid. All the women were Grandma and the men were Grandpa and if specification was needed, the last name was thrown in.

I don't think allowing a child to choose what to call an adult is appropriate. So it's a hard topic, be the adult and step up. Children learn what they are taught and to not respect someone because they are not your mother is disrespectful to all that your mother taught you.

My parents expect to be addressed as Mr. and Mrs. by MY peers, it's always been that way and always will be. Well into their sixties, there are people my parents refer to as Mr. or Mrs. There is a respect that age should be given. Now, if that person asks you to call them by first name, that's different.

On the other hand, just because my stepkids call me by my first name does not leave the door open for their peers to call my spouse Mr. and me by my first name, I may not be their mother, but I AM his wife.

It may be hard to understand, but when I married him, I expected the responsibility of being a parent to his children and have been supportive of them. I have written job resumes, bought interview clothes, driven hundreds of miles to pick someone up from college because neither of their parents could do it, etc. What do I get for this? "You're not my mother." Well, I never said I was, but I'm also not a peer.

Val, you need to talk to Shari about an acceptable name. She IS going to be a grandmother, a step-grandmother, but still a grandmother. It wouldn't be right for your little ones to call her by her first name, but if "Grandma" is dear to your heart, find a compromise. She needs to know how to sign cards at the very least.

...and when introducing a step-parent, Dad and his wife or Dad and my step-mother are appropriate. If your friends don't call your father by his first name, they surely shouldn't call Shari by hers. You were grown when Shari came into your life and she didn't "mother" you, but she is still your step-mother and your little ones will always know her as Grandpa's partner. It is what it is.

Love to you, Val, and my fellow wicked stepmothers. I'm glad I have one child of my own so every now and then I feel appreciated.

[Ann]

Val, you know how much I have always admired you and how proud I've always been in the way you have handled things that have happened in your life. I've even made offers to "adopt" you...lol! But, this time we have a slight difference of opinion. Maybe my words will help you see things a bit differently. I do know that you have had a problem with your Dad moving on with his life so soon after your Mom's death and I think that is a perfectly normal reaction on your part. Who wouldn't be upset? You were very hurt by his actions.

Now...about the "Grandma thing." As you may remember, I am adopted. I was given away at birth and did not know my biological mother until I was an adult. So, although my adoptive mother was not a blood relative, she was my mother!!! She loved me and cared for me her entire life. So, the name Mother, Grandma, Grandpa, Dad...is really a name without any ties to a bloodline. Dennis and I looked so forward to being grandparents someday, but he unfortunately didn't live to see that day come. Now, my sweet little Ella knows my new husband as Grandpa. He will give her all the love ang Grandfather would give a grandchild. In time, she will know about her Grandpa Dennis but will be very blessed to have two Grandpa's.

Val, you should be so grateful that there is someone that wants to be called Grandma and is willing to give love to your little ones. Grandma's don't take their roles in childrens lives lightly and I'm sure she will be very good to your children. Yes, I know your heart will be heavy each time you hear her refered to as Grandma, as you will think of your Mom and know she should have been there with them. But, remember that she will always be watching over you and your precious babies. Your children will know all about their Grandma from stories you will share with them. I just feel that children need so much love, especially in today's world.

I love ya, Val!!!

[Treebywater]

Well... Right, Wrong or Indifferent, (and I can tell that my conclusions will be received in all of those ways by different folks here) I sat down with Dad and had a talk about it. I do so appreciate all of the input here, and I very much see all of the validity everyone's points. It really helped me think this through, even as it left me a bit more of a basketcase.

The bottom line is, I *WANT* Carolyn to have a Grandma figure, and I *WANT* that to be Shari. I do not begrudge her that. I celebrate her willingness to be that. I am delighted at the love she has shown Carolyn and the baby on the way already. But I am also not ready at this point to use that very cherished name. I'm just not. And I can't force it. This all happened very fast for me. My Mom has not yet been gone for two years. And I think that with this I discovered that I *needed* to lay down at least *this* boundary in order to feel that *MY FEELINGS* were important too. I tried to make it very clear that Shari's are incredibly important to me too, but that in this instance I need to find a compromise.

So, I asked Dad if we could come up with an 'alternate' Gramma-type name. Right now, I'm leaning toward 'Nonna' but we'll see what Shari may think. (I think "Pa-pa" and "Nonna" sound great together).

I feel like this is what I can offer for now. Later, I know the girls will ask questions. I know we will talk about Grandma Caro. And I feel that down the line if the girls want to call Shari 'Grandma' I can be ok with that, especially with an understanding of who Gramma Caro was as well. For now, the pain is just too deep. I can't imagine not saying the word without crying. Everytime I've typed it, I've gotten teary.

I feel that I'm doing my best here to be respectful to my Dad and his wife. I do care about BOTH of them. And I want them to know that I *do* respect them and I want to convey that respect with how my children address them. But I do *not* see how only *one word*--one word that I am struggling with so very much is the *only* way to convey that respect. I also don't see why the only feelings that matter here are hers. Reading some of the 'from the other side of this' posts, I feel that is what is being conveyed. I am doing my best to make it known that her feelings DO MATTER, but that I need mine to matter AS WELL.

My Mom wanted more than anything in the world to be a Grandma. From the time that I was married til the day the stick turned blue she bugged me about it. She loved her time with Carolyn. Carolyn was her greatest joy in her last months. As such the word packs quite a punch with me.

So, maybe those of you on the other side of this will see me as being selfish... or demanding... or unfair... But I feel I have welcomed this relationship with open arms despite the incredibly difficult emotions that I have felt (and kept to myself). On *this point* I need for *my feelings* to be important too. At least for a little bit.

Dad seemed open to it. We'll see how it works out in the end.

And now hopefully I can have some peace about this so I can get back to focusing on getting baby girl here. This has plunged me pretty deeply back into the grief, and right now I just hurt and want my Mom and hate that she can't be here for this new little girl or for Carolyn. I feel all of that, even as I feel grateful that they have a wonderful woman in their lives to spoil them. I feel it all.

[fillise]

Val,

It sounds like you had a good positive discussion with your Dad and I hope y'all can come up with a name that works for everyone.

Susan

[Suzie Q]

Val, I think that letting the children decide is no solution at all. You are just deferring the decision to your kids. What a horrible pressure to put them under!

Children emulate what they are taught, and your children will call their grandparents and step-grandparent whatever name you offer to them, OR whatever name they are asked to use. Don't leave this issue in a place where it can become a nitpicky battleground for all of you. I would hate to see that happen, especially if it came to pass that the children were instructed by the grandparents to use one term in their presence and another in yours...

Your dad was sensitive enough to ask you before insinuating the name into the kids' vocabulary, and that is a blessing. I bet Shari will be receptive to a conversation about this, and you two will come up with something that satisfies everyone. Probably not to perfection, but doable.

Yes, this is an emotionally-charged issue, much the same as what to call the in-laws. Many, many folks refuse to call anyone other than their parents "mom and dad"; that is ok. So let's look at other possibilities.

Any chance you have an ethnic name for "grandma" that might work? In Dutch, it's "Oma" and in Polish, it's "Busia"; you get the idea. Maybe Shari's heritage will lead you to a name you can both accept.

As a side note...

Let's all be friends here. Don't go throwing daggers at Val for expressing her distress with this issue. She has NOT indicated that she is ungrateful that the kids will have a grandmother-figure. She seems accepting of her SM stepping into the role. But the pain of her loss is still raw and magnified by currect events. No matter what she has shared with us here on this forum, Val has been able to step up and be "the better person" and do the right thing with regard to her dad moving on with his life. She has put her feelings aside because of what is best for her dad and for her daughter. At some point, she has to stand up and allow her own feelings and preferences be known, and not just to an anonymous forum. I think she is being very mature, logical, and methodical in her thinking, and have no doubt that she will find a way to make this work.

Many blessings to you, Val, and to your new little one too! Hope all goes well with the birth.

Hugs,

Karen

[Treebywater]

I also want to say that I think our original thought of letting the kiddos figure it out has been misunderstood. We weren't going to wait til they were five and then say, "Ok let's have a vote on what to call Shari!" Rather, I imagined that as they interacted, and we got to know one another better a name would emerge. The intention was never to 'put pressure' on the girls, but rather to work this through as we got to know one another, and as the kids began to understand the issues. Of course it would have gone alone with A LOT of communication on our parts. And even with this route that is the way I will go. That has always been the plan. I never meant to 'pawn the decision off on the poor children' or to do the hippy dippy kids make all the decisions parenting thing.

This actually worked out VERY well with my husband's family and his Grandmother. And yes, he CHOSE to call her Grandma. Even those who called her by name never felt she was ANY LESS their Grandma. There were positives and negatives with them, but there always are. It's just how things worked in their family.

Anyway... looks like we're taking another path, so that's all really beside the point.

That's another thing that has become clear in this thread, different families do things different ways. I am hoping that this compromise road will result in us finding an 'acceptable way' for OUR family. That doesn't mean it will necessarily sound 'right' to the backdrop of everyone else's. That's ok.

ok. I think I'm done. Really. [/i]

[ErinC1973]

"Suzie Q"]

Don't go throwing daggers at Val for expressing her distress with this issue. She has NOT indicated that she is ungrateful that the kids will have a grandmother-figure. She seems accepting of her SM stepping into the role. But the pain of her loss is still raw and magnified by currect events. No matter what she has shared with us here on this forum, Val has been able to step up and be "the better person" and do the right thing with regard to her dad moving on with his life. She has put her feelings aside because of what is best for her dad and for her daughter. At some point, she has to stand up and allow her own feelings and preferences be known, and not just to an anonymous forum. I think she is being very mature, logical, and methodical in her thinking, and have no doubt that she will find a way to make this work.

I couldn't agree more; Val is VERY mature and methodical in her decision-making. I don't think this has to do with her not wanting anyone else to be Carolyn and Baby Girl's grandma; it is more about the actual NAME "Grandma" being used, because Val's mom was Grandma. For instance, when my twins were born, it was my mom's first grandkids and Stu's mom already had five kids who called her "Grandma." My mom wanted to be called something different just to avoid confusion. She decided on "Grammie" (which I didn't like!) Eventually we just called her "grandma," too. But before the twins were born we had a discussion about it, and she said she couldn't be called "Nana," because that was HER mom, and everyone called her that. She said, "we all know there can only be one "Nana."

I completely understand, Val. You're so torn about wanting to have a grandma in Carolyn and Baby Girl's life and at the same time, sad that your mom can't be a part of it. How it's possible that we are surviving and having babies after our moms are gone, I can't understand. They SHOULD be here. It's just not fair. It's not right.

You know this already in your heart...she can be Gram, Grammie, Nana, Nonna...just not Grandma.

And I am sorry I haven't emailed you back. I am trying very very hard to drum up the courage to talk about this. But I am doing okay. Thanks for thinking of me. And I still wish with all my heart that I could be there with you, but I'm SO glad Andy will be after all.