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I feel lost...and bitter...and angry.


StephanieJane

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This has been so hard for me...I feel so overwhelmed by everything.

When my dad died, my daughter and I moved into his house. He and I had talked about it after he was diagnosed, and he wanted us to have it...it's a nice house and it is entirely paid for and it is a huge blessing to have a home in which to raise my daughter...I am very thankful to be here.

It is tough, though. Taking his house means moving all of his things...packing up his clothing, his furniture, everything...and it is more than I have been able to handle.

We have been here for more than two months and I have cleared out two dresser drawers for myself and one for Sarah. I can not bring myself to clear out the rest of them. His clothing still hangs in the closet...mine remains in storage.

clearing out his room means that he is never coming back. I am not ready to accept that. Somehow it is easier for me to live like a transient than it is to make myself at home in a house that is his.

I tried to mow the lawn yesterday and I could not figure out how to start the mower. It was one more reminder of how much I need my dad. I am still not sure how I am going to make it without him.

I am just so sad tonight...I miss him so much.

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I know.....I'm so sorry.

I wish I had words that would help- but I just don't. I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that you aren't alone.

I really understand and we are all here for you.

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Take your time, nobody said you have to do it all now. I was forced to clean my moms closets out and it was too soon, it was too hard and set me back.

I will pray for you and I have to tell you, I am glad you are in your dad's house.

I hope you find some peace there.

((((((Hugs))))

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Maybe you need to re-arrange things rathen then clean them out. There's no hurry to clear them out, just put them in another room for now. Make a special room for your dad's things, maybe things that were very special to him or to you and him. Don't push yourself to do this right now. It's still too soon. Just let your feelings of grief run there course. Your going to have lots of very sad days, but I promise you they will get better.

Have someone show you how to run the lawnmower. Then when you learn how to do it, just look up and say, "See Daddy, I can cut the grass!" He's watching over you. Or maybe get a goat! (small giggle) I'm just trying to put a little smile on your face. At least you don't have to put gas in a goat. :roll::wink:

I know what that knot in your stomach feels like. It really will get better. (((((STEPHANIE))))

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I am sorry for the feelings you are having. I know it is so hard. I have not moved anything of my hubby's and I think that is OK. Take your time and do what feels comfortable to you. I have gone so far as to buy another dresser to put stuff in and I put a clothes rack (that I bought) in the garage for overflow clothes. We had limited closet space always and now I could have enough room and I still have did this and that is what feels right to me at this time. Allow yourself to heal and feel what you need to feel.

Sending you thoughts of peace and comfort during your sad times. I am having them with you.

Flowergirlie

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I spoke to my dad a while ago (before mom was even sick) about his dad. To this day when he is doing something "handy" he says he misses his dad.

He said, "Nick, I'll be standing in the garage an staring at something that needs fixing and I'll miss him because he would know what to do." This is 26 years later.

I'm convinced, we never know how to compensate in our lives today for the loss we've experienced.

Everyday there is SOMETHING I need my mother for. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

It's still early. It's only been a couple of months for you. Every emotion you feel is OK to feel and sux that you are forced to feel them.

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Stephanie,

My heart hurts for you. You remind me a great deal of Bill's daughter. It sounds like you and your father were very close. I cannot imagine how difficult a task it must be to be face to face with your loss every moment in your home. Bill's daughter, even 18 months later, has not yet been able to return to our home for fear of the pain it will cause. I think you are very brave and I am sure that your father is with you every step of the way and very proud at even the smallest steps you are taking to continue in life. Take your time and know that many, many people here at LCSC will keep you in their thoughts and prayers.

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