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they told him he can't drive anymore


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Hello all,

I'm so upset. I just left my parents house and my mom told me the onc told my dad he can no longer drive. I don't understand. Sure he's a little off balance when he walks (probably from the radiation), but other than that he seems okay. Has anyone else been told this and if so at what point. I'm really having a hard time with this doctor. First he gives him this short timeframe on his first visit (before he ever began treatment), not he's taking his pride away. I so badly wish I could convince my dad to get a second opinion, but he won't. This is really breaking my heart.

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Sadly, I'm afraid the doctor is right to say that your father shouldn't drive. The problem is that his reaction times will be affected by the disease and/or the treatment, and so it just isn't safe. It is understandable that this is so upsetting - for all of you - but your father's doctor doesn't have an alternative. Try to think of how your father would feel if he carried on driving and had an accident that injured someone else because he saw something too late to react. Your father getting a second opinion won't make any difference to this one, although another doctor might have a different view about treatment. However, if your father trusts his present doctor it may be better to leave things be. It is so difficult to accept that he may die soon, but insisting on second opinions could cause him distress and gain him very little in terms of quality or duration of life in return. What is really important is that you all get the best out of the time that you do have, however long or short it may be.

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dlg,

it could well be the treatment, and it probably is temporary. but if he is off balance, if even temporary, then he shouldnt drive for that period. If and when he starts talking like he wants to drive again, it'll be time to check what his balance situation is then.

I am certainly not trying to diminsh your feelings because obviously it sucks to be told that dad has to give up something because of his treatment---my dad starts wbr on Monday and I too will feel so very bad if and when any type of side effect kick in. besides the one time when i was a kid and my dads back went out, I've never seen my father in any state except one of strength and stability. Never even seen him tipsy! so, this is going to be hard.

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I have neuropathy in my feet and it is very hard to feel anything or even walk. No one has told me I could not dive but at this point I feel I should not. God forbid if something happened it simple is not worth it and it is better to be safe then sorry. I know it is hard for your dad but sounds like that would be the best thing to do at this time. A second opinion is always a good idea try to encourage your father to get one.

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I agree that this is probably treatment related and not necessarily permanent. I wonder if what your mom told you is exactly what the Onc told her. I know with my mom what she hears is often not what the dr said (she has a habit of shutting out the things she really doesn't want to hear). I wonder of you might ask if you could go with your Dad to one of his appointments? That way you could ask questions or at least hear for yourself.

If he is a little wobbly from the treatments I certainly wouldn't want to risk my dad getting into an accident and injuring himself or someone else.

((((Hugs))))

Susan

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WBR is tough on the brain. Read up on the possible side effects. My wife voluntarily decided to give up the keys. She wasn't comfortable driving while undergoing WBR. In addition, our radiation onc told us that she shouldn't drive. Driving isn't the moon. I understand the loss of individual control and independence. But that is minimal when compared to the loss of life because of an accident. I wish you would write about what YOU feel for yourself. You may be projecting onto your father. Which we all do as caregivers. Try not to panic. As I have said before, my mantra is - It's OK It's OK It's OK We are gonna be OK.

Tanner

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I certainly don't want to get in to a car accident and injure him or anyone else. He really hadn't been driving (except for very short distances) for a while. But when someone tells you "you can't". It's different. My dad doesn't share his thoughts that much (it's his way of being strong for us), but he has repeatedly said "I don't want to get to that point where he's a burdon on anyone. He doesn't like other to do anything for him. He's a very strong willed man. So my concern is, is this temporary while he's going through the treatment or is the doctor thinking permanent. Given the timefram he gave my dad, who knows. I'm trying to give my dad hope and I feel the doctor counteracts it. I mean giving such a gleem prognosis BEFORE treatment even started. Okay, why bother. Then taking away some of his independance. Now, I know my dad is going to start losing his will to fight. I just can't let that happen. I guess that's what I'm really afraid of. Thanks as always for listening.

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I understand. My husband is "only" 53, and cannot drive due to vision loss from a brain met. It is not very likely that he will ever drive again.

If I had to give up driving, I really wouldn't care - driving is not part of my identity. For him, it's different. He loves cars, loves to take to the road long distance just for fun, and now has to have me (a seriously inferior driver, in his opinion:)or his elderly parents drive him everywhere he needs to go. He waited his entire adult life to own a Harley motorcycle, and enjoyed it for only one season.Even as I sit typing, he is at the dining room table examining his lifetime collection of vintage British matchbox cars just to look at them.

I DO understand how it hurts to see this inflicted on your Dad. Make the best of it, and don't make too big a deal of it. We barely discuss it. Even I, for whom lifetime brake warranties were invented, am just trying to stop riding the brake when he's with me...

As Tanner says, it's ok.

Take care!

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I agree with prior suggestions.

Go to the next doctor's appointment with your dad so you can ask the doctor some questions for yourself and make sure what's been relayed back to you is what the doctor said in its entirety. I find that my mom misses 90% of the communication and doesn't express herself to the doctor well either - which is why I have always been present at an appointment. (the doc was once telling her he was going to try prednisone for severe allergies and my mom kept telling him it didn't work for her one bit and that she taken it a million times before - before this miscommunication went any further I stopped it by saying "mom, he's not talking about Percocet, he's talking about Prednisone which is a steroid" and she said, "yes, Percocet doesn't work for me" :roll:)

And you know what, you're going to feel better to be there too. You can take a notebook, write down your questions for the doc, take down notes and become an active participant in his treatment - which could really help you both. Good luck! :D

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