Sucked back into the Rat Race

[blaze100]

It's been 6.5 years and this morning I realized that my life has slowly morphed back into the same old "rat race".

I didn't take that last look at the daffodils this spring, thinking this could be the last time I see them. The daffodils came and dried up and I barely noticed them. The cats come running to me when I get home at night and I push them away...I have papers to grade!

Is this all I've learned from my LC? I'm trying to hold on to its lessons but the practical matters of work and life are taking over.

Help!

Barb

[ernrol]

Barb,

I think as survivors of cancer we get overwhelmed with cancer and when we feel that we are doing real well with our battle with cancer we get a little complacent. I have often thought about that good thing about cancer is the appreciation of each day. Then I think why I was so ignorant in the past. I now think that there are so many other things that could happen to me, heart attack, hit by car, fall out of my airplane and who know what else. I guess is what I am trying to say is, I hope I don’t slip back into the old way of thinking. I pray that I will continue to live each day to its fullest. I am not as far along as you are in my battle so I can’t really say how I would feel then. I think that if I start each day with thanks to the Lord and give a quick thought about how good he has been to me, that I will be able to maintain the same frame of mind.

Stay positive,

Ernie

[blaze100]

Yes, complacent is the perfect word for it Ernie.

And complacence is a dangerous thing in a battle right?

Barb

[chloesmom]

Barb,

Not saying complacency is a good thing, but getting back to feeling normal is a sign of recovery and healing and survivorship.

I think in a way it's a good thing we're back to worrying about some of the mundane things in life like we did before the big health scare.

I know that when I was in the thick of the scare and the fight, I longed for the days when I worried about the silly things.

Yes, this all does put things in perspective, but it sounds like you're busy and happy and productive, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I wish you continued good health and busy days,

Cindy

[Connie B]

I don't know that we have to be guarded all the time with how we think we should be feeling about every day life. I appreciate things differently then I did BC (before cancer) Some days I look at things in a soft caring compassionate way and other days I don't look at all.

I don't want to keep the cancer issues in the forefront all the time, I like to get on with my life the best I can and deal with the cancer stuff only when and if I have too.

I'm not fighting my cancer today. I did that 11 years ago. Now I am just trying to enjoy my life the best I can to the fullest. I may do things alot the same as I use to, but the best part of that is, I can! I never stop appreciating my life and all the glory in my life. I guess it's kind of nice to be back in the saddle again!

I think it's part of healing and moving on with our lives and I think that's OKAY!

[recce101]

Hi, Barb:

I think it's great that you're getting back to feeling normal, or as close to normal as you can. Though it may not show on the surface, the wisdom and perspective you gained during those roughest days are still with you and help make you a deeper person than you were before.

The same is probably true of anyone who has faced a life-threatening or extremely abusive situation for an extended period of time. Some years back our neighbor across the street was a Navy officer who not long before had been released from six years as a POW in North Vietnam. He rarely talked about his experience there, and he carried no apparent hatred for his captors, but one could tell there was something different about him. He seemed to be more appreciative of the ordinary things in life, never got upset about the everyday hassles and disappointments that cause so much stress for many, appeared to have more empathy than most people I knew, and was very much "together" and "with it" (we use the word "akamai" in Hawaii).

So Barb, I'm coloring you akamai, and hope you won't push your cats away any more! Aloha,

Ned

[Liz13]

I have to agree. While I don't have the years under my belt that you have, I beleive that the story of your life is already written. All you have to do is walk it and enjoy it. The best that you can. You have given us so much, Barb. Don't ever think that you "lost" it. You are so much a part of our walk. I can't even express how much you mean to us. Keep your head high, do what you need to do, and remember, we are here for you. Hugs, Liz

[laban]

Barb

You're human! Give yourself a break and just let life come as it may. You've been such a blessing to so many of us on these boards, please don't beat yourself up because you're living a "normal" life. It's ok..... and now that you've realized you didn't "smell the flowers", go back outside and do that. Have a great day.

Laurie

[fillise]

Barb,

Hmmm, I have discovered that grading papers with a cat curled up in your lap makes the job so much more pleasant!

What a victory that you have achieved what all of use desperately crave--normality!

And what a lesson--that normality maybe isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Susan

[blaze100]

Yes, but my 3 cats are so demanding. They bite my fingers if I stop petting them.

Thank you guys for the insight so far. Keep it coming.

I keep crossing back and forth from normal world to survivor world. I think it is a battle between complacency and fear. Without fear, I am becoming complacent.

Barb

[Connie B]

"blaze100"]

I think it is a battle between complacency and fear. Without fear, I am becoming complacent.

Barb

And that's bad WHY?????? Sound like ever day life to me. Maybe think of it as going into a haunted house and at that time your scared, but then you come out and within a short time your life goes back to the way it was.

I think we will ALWAYS bounce back and forth and as long as I am bouncing, I think it's a good thing!! It's when I hit that brick wall I'll start to worry.

[gail]

I hear you, but I think the fact that you remembered the daffodils, and realized the cats needed petting means you haven't forgotten what you've learned. You just momentarily forgot.

When my cats start demanding attention I call it my sign from God--stop and pet the cats (and the dog)

gail

[dscherer]

Barb,

It is way to easy to get caught up in the rat race, but I believe the important thing is you can remember what is really important. Also, in a way I am glad you have been getting caught up, it is OK!

Your heart has reminded you to smell the flowers, so go do it!!! You are an inspiration to many!!!

Enjoy the day, Many blessings to you,

Dana

[carolhg]

I think that is a positive Blaze. Each and every day I think about lung cancer, wonder if its back, then try to shove those thoughts out of my mind. Now matter they still creep in and sometimes they just sit and stay a spell.

Carol

[trish2418]

Sounds like you're entering the "7-year itch" stage. I don't know what that means, I just generally think that life goes in 7-year cycles, or "fork-in-the-road" decisions to be made approximately every 7 years. Time for a change?

Good luck in figuring this thing out.

Trish

[alexan]

Barb, I preffer to be complacent and not to have fear.And I don't think complacent is the correct word. You are fabulos!!!!6 1/2 years!!!! Don't you think is time to start feeling normal? When I had LC the 1st time I ignored completely, I regreted now. I didn't stop to smell the roses, life was the same with the diferece that I was sour Why? the LC, I wasen't a happy camper. Never thought that could came to me again but now with the recurrence, I pay more atention to my 5 dogs, my 3 cats, my 2 fishes.Life in general but I want to feel normal. I want to forget that I have LC. I want to be a regular person. Not to think if my family buy me somthing that I want if because I am going to die. Is just because it was time to have it.

I know the cats are demanding, but imaging a grand child living with you. Really demanding but the joy of my life.

I just writing a lot . The only thing I wanted to tell you is LIFE GOES ON, and you have to correct the test.

Big hug

bucky

[blaze100]

Thanks all for the thoughtful responses. You've given me lots more to think about.

I feel guilty whining about moving further into the "normal" world. Maybe it is bad luck to complain.

LC is not the first thing I think about when I wake up every morning anymore.

And that is a great feeling.

Barb

[Connie B]

I think maybe your thinker (what I call my brain committee) is doing to much thinking. Maybe give your thinking committee a break and just go and enjoy each day for what it is.

I try hard not to over think things, it's too much like work!

[alexan]

Barb, is so great that you dont think about LC when you wake up We have it, but why it has to stay always with us???

hugs & prayers

bucky

[Debi]

Barb,

Lung cancer isn't guaranteed to make us saints, or to appreciate life, or to become any greater than your average bear. Call me selfish, but my goal in life is to not feel like I HAVE to notice the damn daffodils if I don't want to. I have spent way too many Christmases putting the decorations away and thinking how I may not see them again.

I've been making plans and actually daring to think long term - imagine that!!! And then recently I have been having pain in my knee, I go for an MRI the other day and the doctor calls me today. Well, I tore my cartillage and oh, guess what? There's a 1.3 centimeter tumour attached to my cartillage and bone, and they want me to bring the film to the Orthopedic Surgeon tomorrow. So, as Emeril would say, BAM - I'm back in Horror World, with my heart in my throat and feeling like I can't take a deep breath because there is no air, I am too afraid. And then I start thinking how I'm here in Ohio, in a Corporate apartment and all my STUFF is still in Oklahoma and if IT is back, I am totally screwed. Like how DARED I live like I was normal and take these risks??????

Anyway, I picked up the film tonight and the report says that the tumour has all the characteristics of being benign, so I think I'm alright, I don't want to turn this post about me. But your post hit home tonight and I wanted to make a point Barb- Live like a normal person and don't feel bad that you are - it can change tomorrow and you won't get the opportunity again to ignore the flowers. So push the cats out of the way (at least you aren't kicking them!) and live normal. We have more than paid our dues at living sick!

[Don M]

I have not been without cancer long enough to be complacent and I am retired, so the rat race eludes me. but if I manage to attain NED for any time longer than a year, I think I will get a temporary job of some sort and save up for a trip. Then I would trade my rat race moments and perhaps a little complacency for a trip around the Western US.

Don M

[blaze100]

Don, Pack up that camper! Let's go! But we'd better have AC or stick near the coast. And we'd need some credit cards for gas.

I watched Tom Hanks "Shipwrecked" movie a few weeks ago. He struggled first to survive. Then he risked everything to return home. But everything had changed and after all his efforts, he still couldn't get his old life back.

I could relate.

Barb

[fillise]

Debi--Sounds like your roller coaster just went around a fast bend, hopefully the dr's notes are right and this will be just a little hill!

Susan

[ursol]

Barb,

I think it is good you are somewhat back to normal. I wish I could feel like that again. I said to my daughter the other day, what I wouldn't give to go back to being a smoker before the diagnosis and how happy I truly was. Even though I know how bad smoking is, I was happy back then. I no longer am knowing this disease is always there.

Lilly