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My heart is broken


lionking

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you know, i thought when my husband and i separated my hear was broken....i got over it. i dont ever think i will be ok with this loss....not only me, but my children, one 20 and one 8 ...both heartbroken over their nanny, their beautiful, wonderful nanny. My mom also, oh God this sucks so much...sometimes I feel that I cannot get through one more moment, but i do, somehow....

In the words of my mom, will it always be like this????

oh mom, i miss you so, i need help to get through this! i never, never, ever, thought it would be this bad! please mom, let me know you are okay!

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I have never felt pain like this, i just dont know what to do with it, dont know where to put it.

i think i need to move out of this house, where my mom lived with us, me and the kids....i just want to run away from here....i want the dream i wait for every night!

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Heather,

I have read here many many times that time does not heal the wound for some bc it means they are farther away from their loved one. It sounds like you are feeling that right now.

It is OK to feel crappy. You just lost your mom and it sounds like best friend, as my mom was to me. It just plain hurts and life will never be the same for us. We are still on a road, probably for many years, that has a ton of ups and downs and we just have to get through it. I feel blessed that we have one another to help on days like this. Vent on, we're here.

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I cry out to my mom the same... I ache with you.

I cannot say that this will ever go away, but it will not be like this forever.

I send you hugs and prayers, and Like Nick, I beleive our moms are in the most beautiful place, watching and waiting.

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can anyone say when??? if i have a time line to shoot for, maybe it will help just a little bit....i know that is not realistic but i feel like if i have a little hope that someday....do you know what i mean? im sorry, so sorry i am such a wreck when i desire to be anything but! i am always been the tough one, after my dad. this really sucks...if i could just know for sure, see my mom in my dream i wait for every night.....maybe it would be worse and she knows that....maybe she is waiting for me to be ok so she can come to me????? i just feel like im waiting, and waiting- im so so sad, im also angry as of last night, for things i didnt do, didnt say...has anyone been the the letters to heaven site? except there is never a reply...i need a reply, mom! my mom, she was my true champion, no matter what! i will probably never experience that again - she so loved my children too! i just wish for one more moment, sometimes i try to close my eyes and imagine it, even though she is not here. mom, please....i know she can feel my heartbreak, i KNOW IT!. i mever, never thought it would be so so so hard!

it doesnt even seem real...i wonder did it happen like i remember? did it even really happen! i remember how cold she felt, and how still.....the way her feet looked, how the doctor explained it...why did i look at her feet???? i almost wish i didnt, why did i anyway? i kinda wished it was over, even, i was so tired, i had given up hope, based on what the doctors had said. what do they know any way, not as much as they think and not nearly - how could my beautiful mom be a pile of ashes in a plastic box????????

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Oh Heather,

I wish I could give you a timeline, but it is so different for all of us.

With my dad's death- it didn't hit me the hardest until almost a year out...I was in denial I think and I threw myself into my work and new baby.... when it did hit me, I had a terrible few months before I felt like I could even breathe again an the waves of grief came and went....

With my mom's death...it was so sudden...it hit me like a hurricane immediately. I couldn't even get out of bed for two weeks...I was a complete and total mess.

Three months later, and I am doing better...I get up, take showers, get to work, take care of kids and my responsibilities. There are many days that I am so sad....but not as much as three months ago.

The grief is there, but it doesn't own me anymore.

There will always be an empty place in my heart and in my life without my parents...but I keep telling myself how they would want me to go on, be preoductive, and be the person they loved and to live life again.

I also had some great support from a dear friend who had been where I was. Sometimes she would give advice, but mostly she just listened to me rant and cry. It helps to get it out.

Do you have emotional support where you are? Is there a group or grief counsellor you could meet with? We have something here called the "Warm Place". I haven't been there, but it's been recommended for my son, who is still having such a hard time.

Also, you might see if anti anxiety meds would work. I'm not talking about the ones that knock you out...just the ones that take the nervousness and take the edge off.

Please don't go thru this alone. It's so hard....

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I have a guy at church who lost his dad when he was 36...I think he is now 52...

He was VERY kind to talk to me about how I was feeling. He said, "It's 17 years later for me. I still miss her. I still wish she was here. But thoughts of her are no longer filled with tears...and I can talk and be happy about the memories...but I'm still sad she isn't here."

We will always miss them. But we will be able to keep living in the knowlege that we will see them again.

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maybe that is what i missing...everyone else seems in so much pain or so far removed that i cant bring myself to share my own....and busy with their own lives too....i kinda feel like i am left here with my 2 kids who are hurting just every bit as much as i am...i tried to talk to my 8 year old today, i could not with out crying...i tried so hard too! my mom lived with me and the kids, she raised them both really ....especially my 8 year old i am worried about, she doesnt have the words i do, or my 20 year old does, not that he ever says anything though....he just plays his video games and waits to go off to college again. i cant talk to either of them without crying myself, so i avoid talking about it. today i asked my 8 yr old how she was doing and she told me how it is not getting better, she cries almost every day at school or on the bus. she is heartbroken. i told her every day that i am sad, but some days i feel angry too, i dont even know who i am angry with. she said that God knew that she needed her nanny more than he did, so why did he take her away? I told her that God maybe needed nanny more, but we didnt know it. She said no way, I need her. I told her all the 'we still have her in our hearts, in our memories' thing. It did not fly with her

do we need grief counseling????

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When my Mom died, I literally had a pain in my heart for at least a year. I missed her so much it was like a part of me died with her. But as time went on , it did get better. The ache was still there but just not as bad.

I can't give you a time line, but someday you will be able to remember her and think of the good and happy times

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I can't add any more to what our good friends have said, and it is just too fresh for me to imagine a timeline. Maybe if we all just lean on each other and hold each other tight in our thoughts and prayers, maybe just for a few minutes at a time we can breathe. I'll start with a few minutes, and see where we go from there.

I'm praying for you tonight.

Kelly

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