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The Force


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I'm was watching a special on Star Wars (which is a movie Mom and I love) on the History Channel a little while ago and the talking heads were saying how important a role the mentor character is (Obi-wan Kenobi, Yoda) but that they cannot stay with the hero (Luke Skywalker). That by the mentor's passing, somehow their knowledge is absorbed into the hero so that that person can go on to achieve great things. You know what happened after I heard that? I started weeping...I thought, "Maybe my time wasn't long with Mom so that part of her could be absorbed." I'm no Princess Leia and I have no great destiny to fulfill but that comment really struck me. The possibility that somehow Mom is doing even bigger things by not being here (or what they refered to in the special as becoming part of the Force) is comforting (even if it's not true, who knows).

Really, I'm just so lost without her and I'm grasping at anything to help find some comfort although I feel that comfort can't exist for how I feel. My example also showed what a Star Wars geek I am! It's been four months and it seems like it's been an eternity since I've seen her, spoken to her. Yet I can't believe it even happened at all. I still somehow feel like there's been a mix up. Someone's made a horrible mistake and my Mom is somewhere but somewhere where I can't reach her. It pains me that I can't be with her. I was having dinner with friends and one said to me, "don't forget to nurture your relationships with your friends even though your Mom is gone." And it's not that I don't love my friends or my family that is left but, honestly, if I could trade them all in for Mom I'd do it in a heart beat. It's just not the same. No friend, no aunt, not even my dad can fill the void I have. I lost my best friend, my mother, my roommate...there is absolutely nothing on this earth that helps to deal with that at all. I cannot believe I'll have to live so much of my life without her. This is the only place though (not even at my therapist's office) where I feel free to cry...I don't do that much...I just feel so free here and so not alone here with you all. I'm just so sad for us all, though, that it makes me miserable. I barely have any energy in me to get up in the mornings but I'm still trying to live my life.

In another pop culture thing (I look to the strangest things for peace), Angelina Jolie had this to say about losing her mom in January to ovarian cancer. I found some comfort in it because I could kind of relate. She said, "I'm in a strange, I suppose, place in my life. I think that happens when you lose a parent, where you drop into a different kind of serious. And yet, at the same time, you want to laugh and enjoy as much as possible every day. . It's a part of life... I lost my mom. It's a natural thing for a child to lose a parent. I lost my mom too young, but it happened. And I'm happy she's out of pain, because I love her and she's my friend." I feel so grateful about some things (that Mom didn't suffer, blah blah) but so angry about this even happening to her or to anyone at all. From late August to mid-January her disease has overshadowed all of the goodness of our life together in my mind. I hope I'll shake those and think of the good things, the best things about her.

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I am so sorry you are feeling so full of sorrow. It is not easy to lose someone you love so much and there is nothing consoling short of having that someone back. To feel sorrow is to allow yourself the opportunity to heal and to grow. It is so important to feel what needs to be felt. It sucks and is horrible but necessary. I think it is terrific that you are enjoying things you used to enjoy with your mom. Being able to reflect on the positive memories will help along the grief path and always keep her close. I too would trade most everything to have my hubby back...if only it were that easy.

Peace and comfort and gentle hugs to you tonight.


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Your mom does continue to live in you. I find now I am SO MUCH MORE like her than I was or maybe I just never realized it. But you'll find she is still with you...


Mom took me to see the first trilogy.

I took her to the second trilogy. She smiled so much when I took her to the movies. Because she did the same for me back in the day.

BTW, I am a HUGE Star Wars fan, I have a room full of stuff and have seen each of the original trilogy movies hundreds of times.

Since Mom left I haven't watched ANY of the SW movies. Can't do it. Reminds me of her. Still buy the toys though.

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It has been such a short time that your Mom has passed....be easy on yourself and allow all the feelings to come as they may. It has been over 8 months for me and I am still waiting for the last month memories to fade and all the good, happy times to come shining through. I know it will happen as it will with you too. I completely understand where you are and wish there was something more I could do.

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There are too many of us who understand and feel your pain. It has been a short time and everyone says that time will heal. I think that things are so different with the loss of a parent because they shape who we are and no matter our age we always need them. Be easy on yourself and give yourself some time.

I love the photo of your mom...what a great smile !!

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