missyk Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 I was all prepared to go back to work today. Had told everyone I would be going back for the last two days of the school year. I mean...I've HAD 5 days, haven't I? We went to visit with Ralph yesterday, took up some steaks and chicken, grilled out and sat around talking and laughing and trying to not let ourselves get TOO wrapped-up in our grief. This was the first time we'd all been together (minus my sister and her family) since Mom passed and it turns out we've all been "dealing" the same way--keeping extremely busy so we don't have to deal with it. Before I left Ralph came out with a letter from Mom to me that she'd left, her journal she kept burned to a disc, and a DVD she made for the grandkids back in November of last year. I read and watched them all...and the dam broke. Not only for me, but for Sabrina. I apologized to her for not doing a very good job lately of letting her be anything but "a big, strong girl" because I'd not been able to be anything but "a big strong mommy" and I know that's not fair to her, to model that to her. She curled up in my lap sobbing and managed, "All I can say is that...I want my grandma back!!" After we got her to bed, Mark and I talked a while and I told him the same thing...there's nothing you can do because you can't BRING my mommy back and that's all that would make this hurt any better. It's starting to really sink in and the rational side of my brain grasps all of it...and the side that's just her little girl doesn't want to let her go one little bit. I woke up SOOOOOOOOO angry today. I threw the alarm clock across the room, I stomped around yanking my clothes on, ripping through my hair with a hairbrush, yelling about how terrible I looked, how awful I felt after spending last night crying and having to get up today to go to work. Mark called the principal I work under and explained to her that it just wasn't going to happen today, me coming back. It might be different if I were "sad" and didn't work with 12 and 13 year olds...but I do...and being this angry for no apparent reason (other than having to explain that my mother died) isn't a good thing. I'm waiting it out at home today with Mark and looking forward to tomorrow...which has got to be better than today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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