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Thought I Was Ready


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I was all prepared to go back to work today. Had told everyone I would be going back for the last two days of the school year. I mean...I've HAD 5 days, haven't I?

We went to visit with Ralph yesterday, took up some steaks and chicken, grilled out and sat around talking and laughing and trying to not let ourselves get TOO wrapped-up in our grief. This was the first time we'd all been together (minus my sister and her family) since Mom passed and it turns out we've all been "dealing" the same way--keeping extremely busy so we don't have to deal with it. Before I left Ralph came out with a letter from Mom to me that she'd left, her journal she kept burned to a disc, and a DVD she made for the grandkids back in November of last year. I read and watched them all...and the dam broke. Not only for me, but for Sabrina. :cry: I apologized to her for not doing a very good job lately of letting her be anything but "a big, strong girl" because I'd not been able to be anything but "a big strong mommy" and I know that's not fair to her, to model that to her. She curled up in my lap sobbing and managed, "All I can say is that...I want my grandma back!!" :cry::cry: After we got her to bed, Mark and I talked a while and I told him the same thing...there's nothing you can do because you can't BRING my mommy back and that's all that would make this hurt any better. It's starting to really sink in and the rational side of my brain grasps all of it...and the side that's just her little girl doesn't want to let her go one little bit.

I woke up SOOOOOOOOO angry today. I threw the alarm clock across the room, I stomped around yanking my clothes on, ripping through my hair with a hairbrush, yelling about how terrible I looked, how awful I felt after spending last night crying and having to get up today to go to work. Mark called the principal I work under and explained to her that it just wasn't going to happen today, me coming back. It might be different if I were "sad" and didn't work with 12 and 13 year olds...but I do...and being this angry for no apparent reason (other than having to explain that my mother died) isn't a good thing. I'm waiting it out at home today with Mark and looking forward to tomorrow...which has got to be better than today.

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Oh Missy I so understand. You really need to take this time, and just be angry, sad and any other emotion you have. I did the same thing always pushing myself to be the same person I was before all of this happened. I will never be the same, but I am starting to enjoy life again. It doesn't mean I miss or think of her less, I am just working through it. You can PM me anytime you want, not that I have the right words, but I am a good listener. I have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. (((Missy))).


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Tears as I read this. I don't know how you feel as my parents are both here, but they are 79 and 81 (and both have health issues) and I know I will be in your shoes sooner rather than later. I know I can't say anything to make you feel better, but I am sorry you are feeling this way. And I think it is normal.

And don't beat yourself up over the image you are displaying for Sabrina. Sounds to me like you are a great mom. And ALL moms need to make mistakes sometimes and ALL need to grieve when they lose someone special. You will get through this.


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It's all in your own time, for sure. I went back to work the day after Mom's final memorial service, but that was just a coping mechanism for me. I've actually had people say that they are surprised to see me, and my ears hear it as an accusation or admonishment. It's just what I had to do.

We'll figure it out in our own time. You're certainly allowed. Who knows? Tomorrow might just be better. It's certainly something to hang on to.

:) Kelly

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