Do you ever ?

[KatieB]

Do you ever have a rotten day, grumpy mood, can't sleep, restless, ...don't know WHY you are having such a miserable day when at 3 am while watching a corney commercial you begin to cry and just can't stop?

Maybe it's bizarre, but that is where I am. I cried for an hour and it wasn't until 4am without having slept a wink the entire night that I realized I was grieving....seriously grieving. Painfully missing my mom and my dad and dreading the thought of a future without them in it....

There's an emptiness inside of me that is so huge....

It's like my body was grieving and my brain had been unaware of it all day and was fighting it.

I've been trying so hard to be "normal"....I think I have most people convinced.

This grieving is really hard. I simply hate it.

[Don Wood]

My parents died almost 50 years ago and I still miss them. You are very "normal", Katie. Hang in there. Don

[melindasue37]

I know, Katie.

I think the hardest part is the torture that we have to deal with emotionally inside ourselves.

We can put on a game face and everyone thinks we are just fine. But only WE know what is really happening inside.

The crazy way it comes out even surprises us sometimes.

But, you ARE normal. You are a normal woman trying to deal with the devastating loss of a Dad and then completely unexpectedly your Mom.

It is so much to absorb and so overwhelming at times. But, your feelings and actions are NORMAL.

You're right, grieving is SO hard.

[glo]

You mean like when I was sitting out back by myself yesterday putting a coat of white paint on a chaise lounge bench and realized tears were running all down my face, when I hadn't even been consciously thinking about any sadness or memories? Yeah, I know those feelings. They come on whenever they darn well want to without warning. You're dealing fine, Katie. We all put on a facade, because if we didn't, other people's concern for us, added on top of our sorrow, might overwhelm us.

I hate the grieving too, but it is what it is.

((((Katie))))

[missyk]

Oh Katie, how I "get it" today.

Sending sweet prayers of comfort and peace to you today, tomorrow, and always.

[Mskim]

((((((((((Katie)))))))))

[crystleshoe]

Katie

you are not alone. I seriously thought that I was losing my mind last week because i was so cranky that I couldnt stand my own company and I was crying over everything and then my 16 year old son says to me "its ok mom, I miss Mimi too". Sometimes I think the pain will be with me forever. Sending good thoughts and wishes for a better day ahead

[Connie B]

Before reading your entire message the first paragraph I would have said, "Katie your grieving!" Grief seems to sneak up on us sometimes when we don't see it coming. You have a HUGE hole in your heart my friend, and nothing will ever fill that hole. The only thing that will happen with that hole is you will learn to live with it. Which is also the same as the emptiness you speak of. You learn to patch it up again and move on, but it opens and closes when you least expect it. It will get softer, it really will.

You don't have me convinced! ((KATIE))

I think grief is the hardest thing in the world to go through. I know just how your feeling and I wish there was some magical words that I could say to make it all go away for you and for all the people going through the early stages of grief. It is SO VERY HARD! Hang on, I'm here for you.

(((((KATIE)))))

[cathy]

Dear Katie..I know your grief is different for your sweet mom as compared to the loss of your dear dad, however I think you are trying to heal too soon and keeping too busy like before, you are trying to convince yourself that everything is okay and then when you slow down well you know the rest.. You need to grieve sweet friend, take a day at a time..You are in my thoughts and prayers daily, praying you find your peace and that you will heal in due time..

I am with Connie all the way, you havent convinced me either..

XO

[J.C.]

Katie,

You are normal, we are all normal,

we just get hit by grief too often.

Time wont ever take away those scars

we have, the healing gets done but the

scars are still there for us to feel

and rub.

Hugs

Jackie

[kamataca]

You just never know when it will hit...

Poor Taylor (my 13-year old) got into a minor fight with her brother last night. I called her in to talk about it, and she just fell apart. It took me awhile to realize that the 'unfairness' she was upset about had more to do with her grief over mom (she's furious about cancer taking her Grandma, her Papa, and now threatening her beloved voice teacher), than about an annoying brother.

Love to you all tonight.

Kelly

[mamasbabygirl]

Oh yes Katie. I hate this reality SLAP and that is exactly how it feels. Things have really been settling in for me the past few months with 2 holidays that have now come and gone and I am with NO FAMILY! I am so angry about it right now that my attitude is "Well, if no one is going to call me/invite us, then why in the world even try to be the glue that held this family together, like my mom did all these years?"

I AM PISSED AT THE WORLD-PERIOD AND MAD AS HELL TO BOOT.

[Treebywater]

Katie...

Yep... Yep, and Yep.

I am sad that any of us have to feel this hurt.

[ErinC1973]

Yep.

When people say, "Erin, you're doing such a great job," I think, "What exactly does that mean? Because you don't see me when I wake up in the middle of the night, and lie there whispering to her through tears, trying to sob quietly so as not to wake anyone else. You don't see me when I'm fighting with the whole entire WORLD, and I hate myself for being so mean when everyone is just trying to help, but I feel like I lost what little control I had a long time ago and now my family feels the wrath of it. You don't see me when the church down the street chimes "How Great Thou Art" and while I'm outside watering flowers I listen to it, the song which was played at her funeral, crying uncontrollably." So do you STILL think I'm doing a great job???

I'm so looking forward to seeing you in person, Katie, so I can give you a great big hug!!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but if you didn't, you'd be wondering WHY you didn't. Clear as mud, right?

[Flowergirlie]

Sending hugs to you tonight Katie! I wish there was more I could say or do. You have been such an inspiration to so many. I am sure your parents are so very proud of the difference you have made in so many peoples lives.

Hugs...Flowergirlie

[RandyW]

Death gives us a new Normal you know. Everyone says you experience a new "Normal" when diagnosed with cancer. Theat is the second new normal in our lives. Well, there is a third "Normal" that not a lot of people realize and that is after we lose a loved one. MAy not be the person with cancer but it is a loss of someone we love. Life changes so much emotionally after this kind of loss. The grief monster hits me hard sometimes, after 17 months. I still cry when I hear rascall flats singing " Sara Beth", "Live like you were Dyeing" and several others. There are lots of things that remind me of how much I miss her and I think that this post may just be one of them

[SBeth]

Katie,

No matter how much progress I think I have made in my brief journey since Bill's death; out of nowhere, something so little can bring me to a halt in my life and send me to my quiet place where I just completely melt down. I understand where your heart is and I am so sorry that these two huge losses in your life have struck so close in time, before you really had time to get back on your feet. I hope and pray that God helps you find some peace and get some rest. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts Katie!

Much love,

[Donna]

(((Katie)))

People just don't know what to say, and they say all the things we DON'T want to hear!!

They think they are helping us, but they are just making us angry..

It happens to me all the time..A lady told me the other day, "I told you the pain would go away" How dare her!!!

She has no clue about the pain I feel every day in my body and heart..No One does!! We smile on the outside and cry on the inside..

This is normal Katie, you lost two parents, not two cats!! People just don't get it..I guess they all mean well, but who wants to hear it!!

I cry all the time, for no reason at all..I see a little bird in the tree and start to cry..Mark is with me every minute of every day..

I pray things will get better for all of us, but for right now, grieve your heart out!! It is normal when you love someine as deeply as we love our family!!

God's Blessings,

Donna

[Ann]

Katie, yesterday was one of "those" days for me, too. I knew something was really wrong all day yesterday but couldn't figure out why I was so out of sync all day. After I got home, I worked in the yard until 8:30. Then, I realized how much I had been thinking about Dennis. I was surrounded by plants and trees that we had planted together. Later in the evening, I went outside and looked up at that bif almost-full moon. I thought of Randy's advice and just stood there and had along talk with Dennis. For the rest of the evening, my heart was broken...all over again!

[ellakc2]

Katie,

You are so young to loose both parents. It will be 8 yrs on June 23 that my dad will be gone and I still miss him. (Pancreatic cancer)You are very normal. I will keep you in my prayers. Greiving stinks,but it's necessary for survival and to go on!

Mare

[Martha02]

Katie, I don't think we will ever stop grieving. I just think we learn how to control it.

Take care!

Martha

[Brandie721]

Hi Katie,

I understand what you are saying. It's not that life can't go on. And it's not that I can't keep living. It's just simply that my life isn't as happy without my Mom. People say "oh that will change when (insert standard phrase here)." But it won't. Period.

I am so sorry you have to go through double the pain. You are incredibly strong. And somehow, someday, we'll learn to patch up that hole in our hearts.

Take care, Brandie

[KatieB]

Hi Katie,

I understand what you are saying. It's not that life can't go on. And it's not that I can't keep living. It's just simply that my life isn't as happy without my Mom.

That's it right there. That is exactly how I feel.

It's just simply that my life isn't as happy (or complete) without my parents.

((hugs))

[MomsGirl]

Yes, yes, yes. I was so irritable with my kids today, grunted at my husband when he came in, then broke down at some stupid Josh Grobin song on the car radio. (Well, not stupid, actually very beautiful, but I hated it b/c it made me cry.)

This grief thing does suck, it's utterly horrible. And I don't know how you get through it every day...you are an inspiration. Always reaching out to others not matter what. Hang in there...