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another slap in the face


crystleshoe

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My mother-in-law fell last week and broke her hip. She went into surgery and that went fine.After 2 days in the hospital they moved her to a rehab/nursing home. Well she is in the same one that my mom was in during the last month or so of her life. My husband was mad because I said that I could not go there and that I could not see the other mother in my life at that place. He says its only a building and that I am not being fair and supportive to him.( he only came 2 times too see my mom there cuz he couldnt handle seeing her so sick). I tried to explain to him that he really has no idea of the hell that I went thru and that for once I can not be the "rock" of the family. My mother in law understands but I feel like I should be there for her but then I think of going there and it makes me so sad and i dont think I could even bring myself to physically walk into the building. I cant believe how much cancer and my moms death have affected all aspects of my life. I miss my mom so much more cuz i know she would know what to do,

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Sometimes we can do more than we give ourselves credit for. My wife died in September in the hospital. I didn't think I could ever go back there. About two months ago, my ex-DIL was in the same hospital for tests and my granddaughter asked me to go see her mother. I felt I could not refuse, and made myself go. Well, it was very hard going in the same parking lot, walking to the same building, going through the same doors and taking the same elevator. But with deep breaths, I made it. And I am more relaxed now about hospitals. It was like I moved passed this bugaboo. I know your circumstances are different and you may not be ready to do that. I wish you the best. Don

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I have not returned to the hospital wher Deb passed 17 months ago yet Cheryl. I know how you feel and it sucks that some just Don't get it.Prayers and Hugs

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Taking that first step is never easy no matter if it's 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years that you lost you mom in that same place. But, our hearts can pull us through more then you realize.

Follow your heart and just try hard to remember you MIL is still here and maybe she would like to see you or just touch your hand. Sometimes we just have to give TLC to others in more need then we are. It's not easy, but it's doable.

You may be sorry if you don't go and see your MIL. And maybe not. It's totally up to you.

Your husband did go see your mom even though it was hard for him. He at least did what he had to do or maybe what he wanted to do. My Son-IL is the same way about seeing sick people and he hates hospitals and nursing homes. But, he always makes a go at it. He may not show up often, but he will show up at least once. God Bless him.

I do understand your fear and your sadness. I went through it too. Small baby steps will get you through.

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On the day of my mom's funeral, my very best friend had her baby. After the services, I went to visit my friend. She was in the same hospital Mom spent a lot of time in in the past. It was hard, but what do you do?

You're right--you don't always have to be the rock! Giving yourself a break is OK.

Kelly

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OMG Crystal. I had this exact same situation. My mom died in September and MIL (who lives with us) fell at our house in January. She had hip surgery and was then going to be moved to the same nursing home where my mom was and hated. I told John to ask the social worker what other options Medicare would pay for bc I could NOT go there, no way, no how.

I have been to the hospital where mom was, several times in fact and I was OK. The idea of going to the nursing home though (the same place where we were refused therapy at the door, even with me screaming and crying) was not something I could do.

I get it and I am sorry you are being called selfish. For now, it is self preservation.

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I understand your distress & 'get it' I agree it sucks to always have to be the strong one but sometimes we just have to play the cards we're dealt. What would your mom have wanted you to do. Perhaps if you 'talk' to her, you might get an answer. Good Luck & God Bless

wendyr

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Thank you all so much for your thoughts on this it definitely give me some things to think about. I have also been to the hospital where my mom passed away and it was tough,but I made it, but for some reason the nursing home is just one of those things I cant seem to get past. I called my Dad to see what he thought and he and i were crying and crying on the phone. He gets it. It's true that I am always the strong one and I feel like I am bailing out by not going and I should be able to just suck it up and deal with it. I sooooo want to be there for her I am just afraid that all Ill see are the bad times with my mom and I dont think that I am ready for that. I hate the way cancer has changed my life. On a good note my dad is doing fine and although he is still on oxygen after his bout with pneumonia he feels very good. We have a follow up appointment with his doc on june 4 so we are hoping to be done with the oxygen.

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  • 1 month later...

I know how you feel. I went to where John got treaments. I had an orement for all cancers and was to take it when we went for treaments but, John could not get back. I tried to go and thank the staff but all I could see was John walking down the hall so tall and alive! Well I went last (6/22/07) on the 5th mouth of his passing and didn't know this till next day. Well I did cry couldn't even say about the Hope orement for tree and the cupcakes I made for all of them. I know John would have wanted me to do this. IT DID help alittle.

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I get it.

I didn't even think it would be a probllem. I went back to bring Mom's nurse a gift, because she was special...a real angel.

Anywho, I thought I would be fine to see her and be there. I kept it together when I was there but as I turned to leave, the exiting looked all too familiar to me, and I lost it.

Not easy. I get it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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