Jump to content

Does it count?


Recommended Posts

Does it count as denial if I know I'm in denial? Is there a pre-denial phase? I know if will all hit me very soon, but today I calmly discussed Mom's death with the lady who has cut my hair for years. She was in tears, and I comforted her.

What the hell is wrong with me? I think that after Friday (when the school year ends, my in-laws move out, and we travel out of town to celebrate my DH's grandmother's b-day)when I start in on Mom's house, it will hit. I'm actually a little afraid of that. No one understands that I DON'T want help on her house--I'm too afraid of others being there in case I crack. Maybe I'm just an emotional control freak. Wouldn't surprise me.

I just feel so analytical in viewing myself...from the outside in. I had most of my hair cut off today--Mom never liked it long and I suddenly felt like I needed a change.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Kelly...

I'm right there with you. I've spent today sitting and analyzing the anger I woke up with, knowing it was a "normal" stage of grief and when I let my rational brain take over, the tears dry up and I'm "ok" again.

Yet, when my stepdad gave me a CD that Mom had left and I saw her handwriting on it, tears welled up and I ran out the door before anyone could see me cry. I don't LIKE to cry where anyone can see me...it's a private thing for me, too. I (we) understand not wanting the help with your Mom's house. I like being alone with my grief...

That being said...I'm finding out that my daughter IS watching me and modeling the behavior I'm showing her. It wasn't until I gave myself permission to actually cry in front of her that she let loose and sobbed her little heart out, pounding her fists and yelling about wanting her grandma back. I thought I would kill me, physically, to see her hurting SO badly...and what I found out is that it's brought us closer together. I'm who she clings to right now when she always clung to grandma. She needs it...and it feels SOOOO darn good to me, too. It hurts, yes, but it's that "good hurt".

Sorry to hijack your post...I just wanted to let ya know that I'm here, still, walking with you and thinking of you today and always.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missy and Kelly,

I was analytical and wondering when it was going to 'start' for probably months. I cracked a couple of times in the first two months... the tears came later for me.

Give yourself permission to do this YOUR way. There is no normal right now. Your emotions and body and brain ARE in shock, and your brain is protecting you a little bit.

Thinking of you both.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kelly, you're so new to all of this that trust me, you're going to find out that your mind is no longer your own; you can no longer control it, so don't even try :wink:

I think denial and shock are coping mechanisms that get us through the early days. I honestly welcomed them, because before my mom died I kept trying to play it over and over in my head how I could possibly get through her death, wake and funeral. The answer was always the same: there was no WAY I could do it, I wouldn't go, and that was that. When the time came, I made it through, and even though I'm missing my mom more and more it seems as her memory gets further and further from me, I would not want to go back to those early days for ANYTHING.

My twins are in preschool, and one of their classmates lost his 4 month old baby sister suddenly in February. I've become good friends with another mom, who incidentally had twins four years ago but lost one at four days old, and she told me that she told Jorie's mom what happened to her, and she reached out to hug and comfort HER. She said, "She's in shock, and she will be for a long time. She has no idea what she's even doing now." I don't mean to sound shallow, but in all honesty, I wanted to hear about other peoples' problems more than I wanted to discuss my own sometimes, because it made me feel a bit grounded, and it took my mind off of the fact that my mom was REALLY GONE, forever. `I've become friends with Jorie's mom since then, and I give her a card on the 20th of each month to let her know I'm thinking of her on the anniversary of Jorie's death, and she knows I care, but I am not family, so I told her that I will NOT talk to her about Jorie at school , because that might be the day that she got out of bed and felt like she was turning a corner, and then I pushed her back into her shell again. I have learned to "use" other people in ways I never imagined regarding my grief. My aunt has become and incredible source of strength for me, when a few years ago we weren't even speaking. I think you have to learn to settle into a role as a motherless daughter, and it's a big one that you don't want to take, but unfortunately, none of us have that choice. 15 months later, I am still wandering around like a lost puppy, trying to figure out how I'm going to make it on this earth without her, and I have not one single answer yet.

It may sound passe, but there really is no right or wrong way to grieve. I have tremendous empathy and respect for every single person who has lost a loved one now. And I am realizing that while I was so wrapped up in my grief over losing my grandparents, my mom (shock of all shocks) lost her parents! And they were in their 80s, but it didn't mean she missed them any less.

I have not gone through my mom's things yet. I'm still trying to get past the "Ok, Mom, when I come around this corner, be there, just this once" part. I'm trying to live my life as an orphan. I'm trying not to preach to friends who still have their moms and complain about them. And yep, I'm in shock/denial. And I kind of like it here for now.

Prayers heading your way, Kelly. Remember we love you here, and will never EVER judge.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I too thought I was in denial, and I too said that I was probably in denial. I remember the morning my dad died, my mom, husband, sister and I went to the funeral home and made the arrangements, and then we went to lunch. I remember siting there and discussing Mom's future and what all of us kids were going to do to help out. I was so calm, I didn't cry, I just talked like it was normal everyday stuff. In the back of my mind, I knew it would hit, maybe later that day, or that week, but it never did. It has been almost two months since my dad has passed and I have yet to sob uncontrolably like I was planning. I do however get teary eyed thinking about my daughter (2 years old) and how she's stopped talking about Papa lately. It makes me so incredibly sad to think that she won't have him in her life. I suppose the only thing that I keep holding on to is the fact that my dad is having good days now, and that he is no longer in pain. Although, Cancer should have never happened in the first place.

Please know that everything you are feeling is natural. Even if you don't break down, it doesn't mean that you aren't grieving.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


I did have a round of the uncontrollable sobbing but it was just a few weeks ago and I was alone and let me tell you I dont think its all that it 's cracked up to be. I didnt feel relieved or better for having let it out I was just sadder and exhausted. Although the pain of losing a parent is similar we are all unique in our grief. i think we hve to do all the "normal" things to help us stay sane.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Denial is OK because it protects you and allows you to gradually accept your deep loss and grief. I always read/ hear about people who think they are magically going to get 'better' after losing someone so significant in their lives, but that is not the goal. We learn and grow as a result of our grief, which obviously is inspired by the loss of someone we are totally crazy about. It is alright to be sane and comforting to someone else when expressing the loss you have suffered and then freak out later by yourself or with someone else. OK< I am going to stop while I am hopefully ahead.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to a whole new "normal" no rules, just do what feels right. It hits at the darndest times and wil for a long time to come. Used to sit in the grocery store crying for about a month. Ths cashiers had to help me cause grocery shopping with Deb was so much fun and they all knew her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use. We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.