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I am having a hard day today. My mom got her test results in from her scan and they weren't terrible but weren't what we were hoping. (See profile). I am having such a hard time because I got my hopes up. I am the kind of person who just wants to fix everything. I have finally found something that I can't fix and it is making me crazy. From the moment my mom told me something wasn't right and she was going to the doctor, I started researching her symptoms. Many things were leading to lung cancer but I must have found ten other things in hopes it would be anything but that. Then when she was diagnosed I immediately began researching ways to make her better. I am trying to "Let go, and let God" as many people suggest but my heart just won't let me do it. I can't let go of trying to make my mom better. I think reality is finally setting in that this is something totally out of my control. I am such a planner and fixer and people pleaser by nature. Just want to make sure everyone is happy. My whole family calls me after they learn of the results of each test and asks me what I think (I am the researcher of the family). Half the time I don't know what to tell them. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but I also want to give them hope. I just feel so lost today. We have the relay for life tomorrow. I was so hoping we could really celebrate some good results. Our team raised over $5000. I want to be happy. I feel guilty being happy about anything because how can I be happy when this is all happening to Mom? I feel so lost and helpless. Hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

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Goodness, how many times I walked p and down that road. Wanna fix it but don't know how and it won't go away. The problem just keeps biting in the butt. take joy ine very waking and sleeping moment you have now. Don't let the guilt in your head. It will drive you mad.Do the best that you can do and make the most of every minute you have with Mom and Family. you are doing the very best things that you can do to take care of Mom right now. Remember yesterday, cherish today and Pray for tomorrow. The coulda shoulda wouldas and 5$ will buy you a small starbucks Latte. Focus on Being wiht mom and making the most of it right now. Sending Prayers and BIG HUGS for everyone. RandyW

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Hi Wondermom,

I know I'm a patient and not a care-giver, but I know what you mean. My whole life, I've figured out how to get what I want. I have never faced a problem I couldn't fix before, until now. It's baffling. I spend so much time researching, etc, like the answer is here and I just can't find it - then I remember there is no answer. It's the strangest thing. Who ever heard of a problem with no solution? Just wanted to let you know I understand. You'll hear some stories of hope tomorrow at RFL, and hopefully you'll get re-inspired.

Raney

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My heart goes out to you. As a caregiver to my husband I can relate so well... the permanent feeling of helplessness, of not being able to do anything more than holding a hand (not even hugging because it causes too much pain).

My prayers are for you and for your family. Just keep faith and stay positive.

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I was just like that when my sister was diagnosed. I called her everyday sometimes more, to tell her what she should be doing to get better. SHE finally told me that I was driving her crazy. She said she is doing everything the doctor is telling her to do, and she said the rest is up to GOD. BUT...she said he can use all the help he can get so if I wouldn't mind, could I just pray for her and be positive around her. She asked that I not tell her anything negative. So far..So good! I believe in miracles..I just always wonder if the miracle I want will happen.

My sister has told me...Fear is Faith turned inside out..so just try to hold on to what faith you can muster, and be the support she needs.

God Bless you!

Bobby

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Hi,

Wow, can I relate to your post. The endless researching before the final diagnosis (I was completely convinced that my dad had sarcadosis...) and then desperately trying to figure out what our plan of action should be--trying to know if we are really doing the absolute best thing for him.

I started to realize how little control I had over this when one week after his initial lung cancer diagnosis we found out he had brain mets--and then when he went in for SRS a few days later we found out that he not only had 3 fully formed tumors--but 4 incipient ones too. Just when we thought we had some "control" over what we were dealing with--we got kicked in the teeth.

I wish I had some advice or consolation to offer--and all I can say is that I understand how you feel. A friend of mine who is dealing with her dad's cancer and is also in AA--recently suggested that I needed to remember the "surrender" part in all of this...some days I'm better at this than others...The desperate feeling that we should be doing "SOMETHING--ANYTHING" to fight this--if only we knew what to do is a really hard and really scary feeling.

I hope you can find some peace today. I suppose the one thing that I've learned in the 6 weeks that I've been dealing with is that the hard days will come--but they will also pass too. Not that it ever gets easy--but at least it's not quite as hard.

I wish you strength.

Leslie

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Thanks everyone. I am feeling a little better today. I worry so much about my Dad too. Mom has always been the one who does everything and I think he is feeling sooo lost too.

Leslie, I had to smile when I saw you had your pegged for Sarcoidosis. I had my Mom diagnosed the same way! Even after we found out about the brain mets later that week, I looked up sarcoidosis again and saw that it could effect the brain. I just couldn't give up on it being anything but lung cancer. Just had to share that.

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Wondermom--

My brother and I have decided that no matter what anyone tell us--our dad has sarcadosis.

Gallows humor, I suppose.

I'm glad you are feeling better. Those hard days can be so overwhelming.

I'm thinking really positive thoughts for you and your mom.

Best,

Leslie

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I can relate to everything you've said. My mom was diagnosed OFFICIALLY yesterday....although we've been getting the run around for a couple of months. She was treated for pneumonia and bronchitis in late March. We were told "it doesn't look good" after the pleural effusion was found....x-rays and CT scans "didn't look promising"....and then we thought we were fine because after the broncoscopy the doctor said it "didn't look like cancer".....finally the biopsies started to confirm what we dreaded. And the PET scan done Tuesday gave us all the information needed to give us the diagnosis. Like you, I'm the researcher. I'm trying not to shove too many articles and findings in my mom's face. I mostly just read it all....research every night on my lap top when I go to bed. I've gladly taken the job of being her advocate. I've asked friends and family to NOT call Mom just yet....She's just tired of repeating things over and over. And she doesn't know what else she can tell them....So, I've told people to call me or email me. I get calls all day long. Now I send out email updates when we get tests done, results back, etc. I've explained to people that if they want to contact my mom and let her know she's in their prayers, to send her something. Send a note, flowers, a letter....but this way it's easier and less stressful for her. She can see how many people are thinking about her...know how loved she is...but doesn't have to carry on the same conversation over and over. She's living with Grandpa (her 94-yr-old dad is taking care of her)...and he lives 5 blocks from my house.

I know this is an emotional rollercoaster and I know I've barely gotten on the ride. Mom starts chemo Thursday. I've started reading about nutrition and started making lists of foods that will help her body fight cancer....and then her oncologist said it's great to eat healthy, but there's not enough research to support much of it. I know doctors are not nutritionists...so I expected this. But I still feel I need to control....I need to change her diet....prepare the right foods for her when I cook dinner over there.....I need to find everything there is to know about what works and what doesn't. It's very difficult to be a control freak who wants to find the cure. It's exhausting but I can't think of any other way I'd rather be spending my time right now. So, my long winded point here is just to say, I feel you. =)

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Wondermom-

Test result time is hard. Especially when your loved one is feeling better. In the beginning I thought so many times 'how could she be sick, she looks so great!'

For the longest time after her Dx everytime I went to my parents house I had some new 'idea' that would help mom fight. A new vitamin, a new tea, a new diet, a new way to deal with the side-effects, a new statistic. I can't honestly say if any of those things helped but it was the only way I knew how to cope...I had to do something. I think my mom knew that it was helping me as much as her....and WOW! I can really relate to feeling guilty for being happy. Some of the most awesome things have happened in the last 9 years for me and it IS tough to allow happy when someone you love is having such a hard time. Your mom would not want you to NOT be happy, you know.

Years later I have figured out my moms secret to living-she never focuses on the cancer and lives each day like she wasn't sick-I had to stop focusing on the cancer and start living like she wasn't sick too...

I say do what you need to to cope and let your family know when you have had enough and need a bit of time for you-

Blessings to you!

Melissa

PS YOUR Relay for Life team ROCKS! Pat your self on the back for that!

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I understand the roller coaster of emotions, I hated the scan results, but at least we got answers, my luck hasn't been too good - we couldn't even get straight answers at our last scan. My mom had very similar progression as yours. Stay strong!

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I feel exactly the same way you do. I research and research because I want so badly to fix everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm in that episode of Tom and Jerry where the water kept coming out of different holes each time he sealed one up. It is so hard to be happy. One thing you and I have in common is that we have little ones that need us and probably don't really understand what is going on. I have been NO good to them since my dad was diagnosed. I just got back from taking them away for a few days. I stayed pretty close to home (in case my dad needed me), but I devoted those few days to them. Yeah, it was hard to be happy, but I did my best for them. My dad loves them very much and he wants them to be happy too. Try to stay positive. There was some good news in the results, try to focus on that. Many thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

P.S. GREAT job on the RFL!!! That does deserve celebrating.

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