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I think trying to fill the void left by Chris is probably very normal. Its that rebound thing. I guess you have to keep reminding yourself that you can't replace Chris. I am a firm believer in having to experience the pain (walk through it so to speak) in order to come out of it healed.

I try to explain to people how lonely I feel with Hugh gone, how I can be surrounded by 100 people and I STILL feel alone and they just don't get it. My sister keeps telling me "Oh well, you have to go on" Yes, I know I do and I know I will. But the lonliness is most times overwhelming. I appreciate all of their efforts to "help" me and very often I will accept their invitations to go somewhere, but they don't understand that even when I am with them I am still overwhelmingly lonely. Being with people doesn't fix it. I have found that to be the hardest thing. I have so many wonderful and caring friends who visit and invite me places and I go and I spend time with them because I want to feel better, I want to honor Hugh's memory by handling this strongly as he always handled the deaths of his loved ones. I want to think he would be proud of how strong I can be. But no matter how hard I try I am still so horribly lonely and empty. Every single day, at some point I ask God to let me die so I can be with Hugh and every single time I ask for that favor a voice in my head tells me its just not possible. I swear that its Hugh making sure I am alright. He told me after he got sick that he wasn't afraid to die and that if he did he would always be here with me. I try to remember that.

So, after this rambling post, I guess its still too new to me to be much help to you, I just wanted you to know that its normal to feel so sad and lonely and that we will get through this even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

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