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Nova

I hate this.........

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Harry was admitted to the hospital late in the evening on the 15th with a fever and stomach pain. He's also lost 7 pounds in 3 or 4 days.(Total weight loss in 6 months is 45 pounds).

A scan of his stomach has shown that he has an abscess, and thickening of the intestinal wall, caused by infection, caused by the chemo... and on and on...

He might have to have surgery, but they're hoping the antibiotics will make it go away.

His platelet count is 16, so surgery would be dangerous, because he could bleed to death. All of his counts are really, really messed up this time.

I don't know how he's going to make it thru 2 more rounds of chemo. He gets sicker and sicker each time he has it, and lands in the hospital for longer periods of time.

I am so "cancered out", and I feel so helpless. I want it to go away and leave him alone. I want my chubby, thick haired, sometimes bossy, very handy, Tampa Bay Buccaneer Fan, loving husband back.

I have never in my life, felt truly depressed. I could almost always find some sort of humor in every situation, even though I've been thru some very stressful times over the years, but this thing called cancer is about to crush my spirit.

I know this Board is supposed to be a place of support and encouragement, and I realize I don't sound very supportive or encouraging right now, but I can't help it. I hate this stuff.....I want to curse, and I don't curse! I want to punch or kick something. I want to scream at the top of my lungs........

Sorry... whoever is in charge of this section can delete this and ban me if they need to, :cry: but surely I can't be the only one that has felt this utterly helpless while watching someone I love, suffer so much.....????

Please tell me you've all felt insane at some point! It will make me feel so much better.... :shock:

I'm sorry. Thank you guys for listening.

Nova

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Nova...

No one's going to delete this post and you won't be banned. No matter how "upbeat" we might seem to be...I think we've all been where you are and found ourselves HERE letting it all go. No place, I think, is it better understood.

(((Nova)))

I wish there were something I could do to help you through this time other than to be here and listen and support you...but I'll do that with everything I have.

Thinking of you and praying...

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Nova--

I can relate. There are times when the feelings are so overwhelming--that I just want to run down the street screaming. There is nothing insane about feeling scared, helpless, and angry in the face of this absolutely cruel disease...I haven't really been able to get to a positive place, if I fight really hard, I'm able to get to less scared, less angry...but that's really all.

I have found that letting it out--as you are doing--periodically, is very helpful. There is clearly a biochemical response to hard crying--and I have found that a really hard cry sometimes makes me feel better.

You are not alone. We all wish, desperately, for our old lives back. I wish that I had something that would make it all go away--for you and for me...all I do know is that the extremely hard time that you are having right now will pass. It may not get easy--but it won't be this hard.

I wish you peace and strength tonight.

Leslie

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If you let it all build up inside you will EXPLODE and go nuts. This is a place to face reality. This is not all wine and roses. fg it was we would have a very empty Grieving Forum on this board.

Vent away, get it all out. I can not begin to remember how many nites I have spent under the stars yelling at god for what he has done with this disease. also made a lot of ap[ologies for yelling at him. I know how you feel. I wish this disease did not exist either. It is unfair and cruel and scary. this is reality. the new normal does suck a lot most of the times. I may not have an answer, But i always have time to listen and a dry shoulder to cry on, except when i am wiping my own tears on it and I will still give ya the other one to cry on.

Sometimes the hospital is the best place to be to get better. I have seen death too many times personally and Been closer than i care to think more than once since Deb passed. But, remember, Prayers go up and Blessings come down. Add me to that Prayer list for all of you tonite. and a big hug to gop with it.

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Nova--

Sometimes YOU are the one who needs to be supported and encouraged! That's ok! We HAVE ALL been there.

I'm sorry things have been so very crappy. I remember how very overwhelmed I was when Mom was sick, and especially when I was finally with her. It can be so discouraging to see our family members not making any gains when they are so sick.

Be gentle with yourself, know that we SO 'get it' and we care.

Prayers for you and your Buccaneer loving hubby.

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Hey Nova-

You are not insane. I left my mom's house once after we got good news from the doctors but she spent the entire time that day talking to me like I was her mother really PO'd at the world. I cursed, told God I thought this was a really ROTTEN way to do my mom etc. I got out of my car on the side of a country road and screamed at the top of my lungs! Cried, kicked dirt! A police officer stopped and asked me if I needed help-I screamed at him-'Only if you can make my mom's cancer go away!' he actually tried to hug me...seems his mom died from cancer so he knew exactly how I was feeling.

I actually went to the second hand store once and bought a whole bunch of cheap plates..then every week when I came home from mom's I would throw them at the wall in the garage.that shattered crashing sound was just how I was feeling and seemed to help.I felt awful destroying something that may have helped someone else so I quit this pretty quick...I carry bubble wrap in my car...just in case I need to release frustration in a 'populated' area

Point is, what your feeling is totally normal...the best advice I can give it is to FEEL it, don't stuff it cause it will not go away but grow into something that threatens to overtake you.

I am in a place today where I am not so angry as I used to be but only because I allowed my self the luxury of not being superwomen-I hope you find that place too!

Blessings to you that hubby gets thru this rough patch and that you allow yourself not to be a superhuman non-feeling strong girl from time to time.

Melissa

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If you weren't insane this disease could sure drive you that way. There are just times when you really need to get it all out and this is the place to do it. We've all been there. I hope the antibiotics kick the infection and he is able to build himself up.

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Hi Nova,

You are not alone. There are so many people who feel the same way you do. I am one of them. It is so frustrating when you can't make it easier for your loved one. I am just now getting to the point of realizing that I can't take this horrible disease away from my mom. It is so hard to not go back to that first week of diagnosis and not have a total break down thinking about it. This is the single hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Never imagined my mom would get lung cancer. So yes, I have yelled and cried and prayed more than I ever have before. I always feel a little bit better afterwards. I will never understand why this has happened to all of us here but I continue to pray for you and everyone who has been affected by cancer.

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(((Nova)))

I know, I've been there and hated it so much. You're exhausted, angry, tired and so very worried about your husband.

The feeling of helplessness is so overwhelming. I know the difficulty of trying to "take it easy", so I will tell you, it's ok to feel and react the way you are.

I found that I went into that "autopilot" mode when things started to happen to Carlton, I don't know what sustained me, just taking it moment by moment, the care and love of many, but I did.

You know that you have an incredible support system here, I remember all too well and remember all the love and support from many here, which was a comfort to me.

I'm here for you,

Grace

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(((Oh Nova))

I know how you feel!!! Yo should never feel sorry for how you feel, you have every right! Don't try to keep it all in, that is worse.

I have had many "moments." WHen my mom was in the hospital and it was just one thing after another I found a quite spot and really let it out. Yelled cried the whole bit. Well seems I was pretty loud because a Dr. came and let me use his office!!!

This disease brings out every emotion a person has and there are times you just get so angry you lose faith. I have been there many times. I think everyone has! Let yourself have your moment, let it out, and don't feel you shouldn't!! It is NOT a sign of weakness but a sign of passion. Passion and determination and frustration to get your loved one well and the struggles we all face to get there!

Your faith and strength and hope will return! Allow yourself to feel all those emotions and let them out however it feels right to you, because when you stand back up on both feet, you fight even harder!

I am praying for you both. You come here and say anything you want because we can all understand!!!!

Prayers,

Dana

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There are so many times that you get so overwhelmed you NEED to let it out. WHether it's venting here, or yelling out loud or having a good cry.

There were so many times I held it in, pretended to be the upbeat positive person with everything under control- hiding my fears and worst thoughts until the middle of the night when everyone was asleep and cry in bits and pieces....It comes bubbling out...and usually at the worst times.

I was working at a large corporate law firm at the time- I yelled and screamed at everyone in a meeting once for really no good reason....got reprimanded for my "behavior" and then cried for a hour talking about cancer and how horrible I was feeling....boy were they speechless...at least I wasn't in trouble anymore!

I went to the dentist for a horrible root canal only 3 months after my dad's dx. and he had just gotten out of the hospital....he had EVERY side effect known to man and it was just getting worse.....

The dentist was late and I sat all alone with myself in that dentist chair for almost an hour crying so hard it was ugly...I mean the huffy sniffly puffy face crying.....The dentist thought it was HIM that had made me cry and knocked $200 off my bill....

These are just a few examples...but it does come boiling over if you don't have a way to let it out.

Journal it, find a friend you can yell or cry to, vent and post here as often as it helps, and if there isn't anyone- call me. It helps. It really helps.

I am praying that things getting better, that Harry begins to get some relief and some encouraging news and that you are gentle on yourself. We really are here for you.

(((hugs)))

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Nova, if I haven't been kicked off of this board for my MANY depressive rants, you sure won't.

I have experienced what you have, only WORSE, by leaps and bounds.

I think people forget that this ugly disease stresses and destroys caregivers even worse sometimes than those diagnosed. We're the ones who have to assume the million responsibilities that our loved one can no longer do and then care for a very ill and emotionally spent person too. Yippee!

Someone I work with sent me an article about caregivers dying often before their sick family member and I just laughed. I believe wholeheartedly that if 10% of the extreme stress this last year has held affects my health, I will die decades sooner. It just can't be healthy.

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Hi

I'felt insane and helpless lots - always had to put up a front for everyone though. Use to scream in my car and yell at cancer....I do swear though so it wasn't pretty. It is really hard watching someone you love so much go through all of this. Just counting on you guys to get through this with positive results. All the best, Heather

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Nova,

My Mom was just recently diagnosed so I've not been through near what you have - I am just beginning my ride on the "emotional rollercoaster" of this horrible disease. What I can give to you are my positive thoughts and prayers.

Be Blessed,

Donna

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Nova,

I just read all of these posts and all I can say is you are loved and understood. I'm sorry Harry isn't the same Harry he used to be. I pray he will come back to you and just say, "Hey, remember me?" "I'm back."

I just wish I could be with you and give you a big hug and tell you, "I understand"

Please know that what you're feeling and doing right now is so normal. May God be close to you and hold you in his arms.

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Nova

this is the place to be. We all understand and know where you are coming from. Rant,rave, vent or just come to talk but we will all listen and try to help. This disease brings out the worst in us and there far too many of us who know the insaneness it brings. Sending good thoughts your way tonight and hoping you get some good news soon.

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I hate this disease with a passion so immense, it is only surpassed by my love for my husband... barely.

I understand the wisdom when caring people advise to "keep positive", and I believe we all try to. I know I struggle very hard to maintain a positive attitude... specially when my beloved husbad is around.

But I see him suffer, I see him go through so much and I can't do anything for him. And that feeling of desperation creeps up inside, and the anger bursts in flames in my heart, and all the light goes off and leaves me in that black hole. And it is all I can do to cling to reason not to go completely mad.

I guess what I am trying to say is, it is ok to feel that way. I dont believe anyone in his right mind could go through something as terrible as this disease without getting some serious anxiety and stress attacks.

When it happens, let it all out. Cry, yell, kick, hit, cry again, and keep on crying. It helps. At least it helps me. After letting it all out I feel I am ready to go and take some more in.

A huge bear hug for you. And another for your husband. He sounds like he would get along just fine with mine.

Many prayers for you both.

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Saying "Thank you" seems so "tiny", but thank you, with my whole heart.

The night I posted that, my imagination was running wild with all of the "why's, what if's, and how comes".

Guess I got overwhelmed. I think I've found my crying spot now though, away from where my son and Harry can see me..It's in the chicken coop! :roll: The hens I have don't seem to care at all if I sit in there and bawl my eyes out! (As long as I've brought their food with me!)

Thank you all, for sharing your stories with me.

I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who has felt so totally worn out, tired, frustrated and angry with this hateful, hateful disease.

Thank you,

Much love to you all,

Nova

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boy I hear ya! I havent posted i a while b/c we have had so much drama here over the past two weeks...

it just never seems to let up... and when it does for even a moment you almost resent it b/c y start letting your guard down again...

my husband could have died over a week ago due to heart failure/breathing problems... we were all preparing ourselves for it.... then the lasix they gave him cleared everything up over the next day and he was able to go home again...we started hopsice the next day but we at least have him a little bit longer...

as much as I want him around it almost upset me to think I will have to go through this all over again when the time looks close... it is almost like a cruel trick....a tease...

it is funny ( strange) to read your post today b/c I was just thinking how much I wanted everything to be "normal"...I want my life back... I want to go back to work...take my daughter shopping...etc...

but I cant even wish for that b/c that would mean that my husband isnt here anymore....

cancer has robbed us...it teases us...

I have my own cry sessions...and I like you have to find a place away from everyone...sometimes in the car on the way to and from the grocery store...sometimes in the bathroom...sometimes at my computer....

I hate this too! I hate the helplessness...the not knowing what bad the next day will bring...but knowing every day is a day closer to him being gone... I hate that he is here and I want to spend time with him but he is so tired and weak and rests a lot...time with him is getting away from me quickly

and there is nothing I can do about it....

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Nova, gosh! That was so funny about the chickens. Animals are truly wonderful. As long as we feed them, they'll agree to listen to all of our woes and be the first ones on the scene to wash away those tears! Love 'em! :lol:

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