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kamataca

"Not emotional"

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*warning...venting ahead*

So...I was spending time with a young co-worker this week. She is the 'cry at the drop of a hat' kind of gal. We were discussing pregnancy, and how it changes you. She asked me if pregnancy made me more emotional, and then said, "Oh well, I forget...you aren't emotional."

Normally, I wouldn't react...since I'm an unemotional person, you know, :wink: but she was basing her beliefs on the fact that I spoke at Mom's funeral (she was there), and that I don't cry at work all of the time.

I hate that I feel like I have to defend myself b/c I don't fall apart in public. Of course I cry, and of course my heart has been ripped out by my own grief as well as by the grief of my children. I've had more than one person imply that I'm doing it wrong b/c they haven't seen me grieve. I'm just not good at publicly falling apart, and I don't think I need to do it just so they can feel like I'm progressing normally. Believe me, I fall apart plenty....over at Mom's house trying to get it emptied out by myself, in the shower, in the car, at night at home.

My other fiends who were with me thought it was an odd comment as well. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but being 'strong' in public doesn't mean that I don't miss my mom terribly.

*end of venting* Thank you for listening!

Kelly

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Kelly,

I know what you mean. I keep it to myself as well. As a result people think I am "over it." It has been a month today - so no I am NOT over it. People grieve in so many ways. Just because we choose to do it when no one is looking, doesn't as you say, mean we are not doing it. We just don't feel like causing a big scene.

You don't need to defend yourself. I wish I could have been as strong as you and have spoken at my Mom's wake or funeral. I knew I wouldn't be able to without crying. I would have loved to. And I think you are amazingly strong for having accomplished that. People are proud of many things in life. That would be one of the big ones in my book.

take care,

Brandie

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One of the things I hated in the beginning when people still expected me to be grieving was how I felt like I was in a bubble. Everybody was waiting to see if I would break-down. If I did I knew they would say, "I was taking it hard." If I didn't, I knew they would say, "She doesn't seem to be emotional," or some other such nonsense. So... I hear you. It stinks.

People suck. This lady sounds absolutely clueless. I'm sorry you had to deal with her.

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I echo Val's sentiment completely. I get it, too.

I don't fall apart in front of ANYONE (I have once in front of my daughter to "show her" in a way that it's ok). My grief is very private. I think people assume that because I was open about Mom's illness, that I should grieve publicly, too. It just doesn't work that way for me, either.

Sending love and understanding your way...

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I admire that you don't fall apart in public, I wish I had the control to do that. It's a terrible feeling to be on the verge of tears over something where you really don't want to lose it.

It's irritating to think that you have to explain yourself to some person who thinks that if you're not crying, you must not feel bad.

I think we all know how much you cared for your mom and how much you miss her, Kelly. That goofball was just being really insensitive and you've got the right to have a 'vent'.

Cindy

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It is obvious to any who knows you (either in person or via cyber space, how much you love your mom and your family.

The woman who said that was being thoughtless- YOU don't give it another thought and YOU don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

It's not easy being in control or strong...and when we fall apart- we REALLY fall apart. It's your grief, and you get to do it on your terms.

Hugs and many many more hugs,

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I am not in your shoes, and don't know your pain.

But I do think we have to teach people what we've learned through our journey. Through my travels (14 years) with cancers, I have become very vocal with my opinions, especially since John Q. Public DOESN'T KNOW.

It's like when 30 years ago (((sigh))) I asked coworker when she was going to have a baby. At that time I didn't know about infertility. Why would I? I was 22, and my mother has 6 kids!

How ironic that 10 years later I learned about infertility when I wasn't able to get pregnant a second time.

big hugs

gail

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oh kelly

I am sorry that you feel like you have to defend yourself to anyone about your grief. People think that they are helping but the reality of it is that they usually dont think before they speak. I also never ever cry in public. In the shower,car, walking in the early morning or when I am alone but never in public. I am always on the verge of tears but I dont let myself go. I guess thats why my husband calls me his rock. I think it takes alot of strength and courage to be the one who holds it together. You do things in your own way and if someone doesn't like it or doesn't think its the "right way" you just tell them that it seems to be their problem not yours. (then stick your tounge out and walk away). We are here for you.

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Consider the source.

She's probably so emotional that NO ONE seems emotional to her.

Vent on! People really do say the stupidest things. ANd this is the best place to share those things. The rest of us won't feel like it is us when we encounter these folks.

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Hi - you aren't the only one who grieves this way. I am the exact same. It is frustrating that many feel you have to be a mess in public to be grieving. My husbands sisters are like this - so much so - one of them drove me crazy when she was here....almost like a show. Anyways - keep doing what you are doing - there is nothing wrong with it and it doesn't mean that you aren't grieving well enough. I am strong and do break on my own time at certain stages but that is not as often now - and to be honest - right now I just find that I am tired but can't sleep. I am sure that will pass too. Take care, Heather

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Vent on! People say such dumb things! Next time you talk to her you could say "what makes you think I'm not sobbing on the inside - fyi. Don't judge a book by its cover honey."

Of course these days I'm at the easily annoyed stages of grief and it seems to be out of my mouth before you can say Jimmeny Cricket!

You do not have to explain anything to anyone. I greatly admire your strength. Coming from someone who sobs anytime anywhere - I'd give anything for that strength.

Thinking of you,

k

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