She's getting further away...

[MomsGirl]

Hi everyone,I'm sorry (once again) I haven't been posting too much. I HAVE been checking in, though, and thinking of everyone as I always do. I am so incredibly overwhelmed with my mommy duties - my husband doesn't get home until 7:30 every night and the house is falling apart around my ears. I don't have enough hours in the day to get anything done. And my little seven-month-old man is very much a momma's boy, doesn't like to be ignored for a minute. Or should I say he is a NANA'S boy...he is so feisty like my mom was. I can still hear his crying ringing in my ears...with the sounds of my older kids fighting in the background. I'm sure many of you can relate...

Anyway, the first anniversary of losing my mom is coming up, and I just can't believe it..sort of. I don't know if any of you have experienced this...but I feel like my mom is down a long hallway, and just keeps getting further and further away. It's so hard to explain - I never thought I would have to - God, this is SO hard to put into words. It's so devastating to me. I'll try, though. I feel like my mom is really gone now, like my life WITH her in this world isn't so immediate anymore. I don't expect her to walk through the door like I used to. And I hate it. It makes me sad and angry all over again. I miss her so much, and this "new normal", as some put it, actually seems to make the pain more intense, and serves to increase my anger that she was taken from us. My kids are moving on, I am trying to keep their memories alive and we talk about her all the time, but how much of that now is from photos, and me talking? They were 5 and 3 when we lost her. She was SUCH a huge part of their lives. And Conor, the baby - he is hitting the stage where I have such incredible memories of my mom and I enjoying my first born boy, Kyle. God how we loved sharing him and all of his cuddliness, new tricks and his discovery of the world around him. She was so in tune with him she was like another mom to him. Once again, I am so pissed off that she is gone. He will never, ever know her.

I feel like I will never ever ever be whole again. And I am desperate to keep her with me, which is why this is killing me. I just want my mommy, I want to be her daughter again, for real, not in the past.

Guess I just need to know if this is normal, this distance that is happening and the pain that goes with it...

Hugs to all.

[Nick C]

Couldn't be more normal.

Early on, I said it was like looking in the rearview mirror...she's getting further and further away, and I can't turn the car around.

But I also said each day is a day closer to seeing her again.

And there is a difference between how grandkids deal with the loss of grandparents. It's far more "linear". They just start to get better. Where as we don't we get worse and better and even worse and better and then one day you just are...

Pretty much this stinks. Mothers aren't supposed to go anywhere. They are there in a way that seems so indefinite all your life. And then...well...to many of us know the "and then".

[kamataca]

This just stinks, and I'm so sorry you are in that place right now. I'm still living somewhat comfortably in the land of denial and details (closing out Mom's house, dealing with all of her paperwork, etc). I'm afraid of what happens when I reach your place.

It isn't right, it isn't fair, and it is a shame that your kids won't have the same knowledge you do of your mom. When my dad died, my aunt put together a book of stories about him---wrote off to relatives to ask for their stories, and included those handwritten letters in our 'books.' I am thinking of doing the same for my niece/nephew to be born in November. It's the only way he or she will ever know my mom.

Take good care of yourself, and be patient with your grief. I read a book recently that said of grief, "It's mine, I've earned it, so don't take it away from me!" Feeel what you feeel right now, and don't let anyone remark on how 'long' it's been.

Kelly

[Treebywater]

Michele,

I so understand. For that first anniversary I HATED time because it took me so much farther away from Mom. So everyone who said, "Time will make it better" just got a really dirty look from me. It does hurt, so very badly. Sometimes I hate the new normal too for the very reason you say. I still have days when I just want 'old normal' back.

And you know I understand on the 'kid front.'

((((hugs))))

[Mskim]

Your post made me cry. As per ussual, i could have written it.

The long hallway, I have even dreamt of it.

One person said, if I don't have my grief what will I have? The farther away the day gets that our mothers deid, the more thrust into aloneness we feel. The realization that it really is only us, now perved on top of the family tree.

I even have memories now that I say in my head, was that before mom died or after? Did I tell her that or was she gone already? Did she ever see the kids do that or wear that or hear them say that?

My kids,were then 3 and 4 and 8... can it be that they have already had not just one but 2 bithdays? Chloe will be 5 July 11. Will they remember her, the way she was, or will they remember her sick and sometimes crabby and scary? I think they (the youngers)will only rememeber hte idea of her, and the pictures that I show them and the stories that I tell will hopefully help.

Anyway, it is normal but that doens't help does it? If only we could walk back down that hallway and open the right door.