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An uncomfortable insight


Nick C

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This is a tough post, but I wanted to share it...because I felt like this is a real important emotion to deal with. This came out of my most recent meeting with my therapist.

I've been angry. Angry with cancer, angry with protocols for detection, angry with family members for being selfish or unsupportive. Angry when people don't get my grief.

I've been just angry.

I feel distant from my faith right now, still go to church every Sunday...but I feel distant. My therapist asked if I am angry at God. Not really, but I do wonder why so distant. Maybe I am. I don't know.

And then, he asked me a question that brough me to tears. He asked when I thought I would be angry with my mother.

And it happened. I am. And I fell apart.

I hate that I am, but I am.

If mom were here to discuss her being gone, we'd be having a discussion about how angry I am. But she's not here to discuss this with...More anger.

And as my recent lousy feelings hit a high point (or low...depending how you look at it) he said something interesting. He said, "I think you are really connecting with your mom right now." And I was. She felt this exact same anger that she wouldn't be here right now. This is why she was mad about not knowing she was sick.

I don't know if this revelation is going to help me...I'm working with it. But it struck me very emotionally...so I think there is something here to be worked through.

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Nick,

You can't get around anger, you have to work through it. Recognizing it is a very important step. I'm glad you have a therapist to help you walk through this very touchy area.

...and I believe after you face the anger, the sharpness of the knife in the heart dulls some.

Hang in there!

Becky

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I'm sorry you are angry and hope you find your way to forgiveness soon. Be angry at the cancer, not at mom. I did not know your mom but she sounds like she was a fantastic lady...and she obviously did a good job at being a mom because it seems you turned out pretty well. (If we could just get you to stop smoking pot at work!) I think the pride should greatly outweigh the anger!

Hang in there Nick!

Karen

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Nick...

I get this, I really do.

Anger is where I sit right now. And, if I'm being honest, I want to remain here for a little while. Being angry, for me, is much easier than feeling the hurt I know is behind it. I know some day I'll have to move past it...but for now I'm ok with being angry with Mom, with my family, with life.

Thank you for posting this...for sharing it. I appreciate it.

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Nick...it's been four and a half years since I lost Dennis and there are still times that I'm very angry. At the times I'm angry, I have to stop and try to sort out my feelings and figure out just who I'm really angry at! Sounds like a strange thing to say, especially after this length of time, but those of us that have lost a loved one know the feeling. I'm thinking of you and saying prayers.

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I'm still angry. I haven't seen a therapist and perhaps it's really time I do....but I am angry- angry that my dad is gone, angry that my mom is gone, angry that our friends here are gone and angry as heck at this disease....

I don't think I've ever been out of this phase....luckily it doesn't effect my actions or how I treat others and I don't express angry to anyone else- I express it in my work, and the anger fuels my work.

Yes, perhaps it's time I seek some counselling....just to let some of that out a bit,..

I'm glad you're working thru it, Nick. I'm glad you have someone to talk to and a wonderful wife....I hope things become gentler for you soon.

You guys deserve to be happy again.

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It's really brave of you to post about this, Nick...I appreciate the post so much.

As I've said before, my daughter seems to be stuck in the anger phase right now. She's also a 13-year old girl, so I don't know what to attribute to that, but I know her anger towards cancer is very real. It is affecting friendships, and her perception of fair and unfair (difficult concepts at 13 anyway) is very big right now.

I have felt too dull inside to be angry. I think that it is also brave to face up to your anger at your mom. I think we deny ourselves the expression of this so much that it just eats at us. I remember being very angry with my father when he died---he was the dad--the guy who fixes things--who was supposed to fix this?!?

Facing up to this helps you on your journey. Sharing it with the rest of us helps us with ours. You are a special guy, Nick. Looks like your mom did something right! :wink:

Kelly

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I go through bouts of anger at both my parents... my dad for taking the risk of riding a motorcycle and my mom even more. SHe was sick for A LONG TIME. She said she was stressed and blamed everyhting on work. I get mad becasue she smoked... I know I know... I did too, but I never would have if she didn't. She never was strong enough to quit and I did, why couldn't she?

I know that my dad was just living life and enjoying what he loved. I knor that if mom had found out earlier she may have had an even worse quality of life for a longer period of time or may have even died sooner. I know the cigarettes are really a moot point... I am still pretty PO'd.

I too am more distant from God. I find myself being judgemental and less generous. I find myself a little bit harder shelled. I still go to church and pray and try to do what he would have me do, but I try less than I used to.

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Wow Nick. You are very genuine. I always could sense that within your posts.

It really is hard. I thought about life....a person can have many sons and daughters, but each person can only have one mother.

Losing your mother is the ultimate existential loss.

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Hi Nick,

You know who I am angry at, is myself for giving her permission to go, to go towards the light. Now I regret saying that. I should have said to fight like a lion to stay with us. I hope you are feeling better.

Reading your other post it's funny that your coworker thought that. It is amazing to me how easy people forget that we are still in pain.

take care!

martha

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Nick,

I can't even imagine the feels that come along with the loss of your mom. Right now the thought is just to scary to even think about. Even then I don't think you know till you have been there.

But I do know that you are truely one incredible man. Your dedication and love for your mom shines through your words. I think it is the greatest thing that you had a relationship with your mom that touched you both so deeply and even better that you can express the importance of that to others. But I believe anger comes when you lose someone especially when the bond was that strong.

I just wanted you to know that you are a true inspiration to many. I hope and pray that with time you can find peace and the grief isn't quite so strong.

Dana

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Martha

Thanks for your input. As soon as I read it I realized what has been wrong with me lately. I am so pissed off at myself for telling mom that it was ok to not fight harder if she didnt feel she could, for telling her that everything will be ok cuz it is not, for letting her give up and letting her go. I am mad because I feel like maybe we didnt give her enough time to get better before we made the decision to take her of the machines, Maybe we didnt pray hard enough or wait long enough for a miracle to happen.There are so many things I would do and say differant if i could. Here we come upon yet another holiday without her and I am so pissed that she will not be here to enjoy the fireworks with us. I am also mad that we were not one of the "lucky ones" to beat this thing. I guess in general I am mad as hell. I used to say that I wouldnt want her to be sick and have a prolonged illness but I think if I could have her sick or not at all I would take her sick.

again you guys have helped me to understand myself. Thanks.

I hope everyone has a safe 4th.

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Blame and anger are two different things.

I see a few of us are angry at ourselves...

Based on everything we've all posted here, I think it is safe to say we were good children to our parents...we can of course find things in the course of our lives we've done to be angry with ourselves over.

I am still angry that I wasn't more involved with my mom's successful battle with Breast Cancer in 96...although she recalled that I did a lot...so she told my wife. I seem to remember being there, but not enough. Not like this time.

Anywho, anger is a real emotion and if you are angry...I certainly can relate...but let's not BLAME ourselves. Blame isn't assignable here. Cancer took them. The BLAME lies there. The anger...well, as we have discovered, can be in a lot of places.

Anyways, thansk for all thinking about and sharing about your anger...I wish none of us had anything to be angry about, but glad that there are people who cn relate since we do.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wow Nick I just saw this post. Reading it brings back so many memories.

Anger is a major part of grief. I'm sure no one can grieve without the anger. In my case it was threatening to destroy me. It was making me a different person than the one my Johnny loved. I could see that from the beginning but I was just so lost and so angry with everyone and everything. I was never angry at Johnny but I sure was angry with myself.

Some good did come from my anger. It forced me to do a lot of research and in the process I learned to relate to other people better and I learned a lot about drugs and the things I would need to know in my job as a caregiver. I still get angry at times and it will soon be five years sense I lost my Johnny.

As far as my relationship with God. That was something else I had to work through. I was angry that God had not saved his life but even more so I was angry with myself for having so much faith that I didn't see what was happening in time to do something about it. I still had faith but I didn't trust it. I felt that my faith had betrayed me.

I was fortunate to find a place so special that I could feel not only very close to Johnny but even closer to God. I began to realize how much God was directing my life. I also realized that He had led Johnny and I back together. I'll never understand why we were to have only 5 months together but I will always be grateful for those months.

God has plans for us that we will never completely understand. Stop and think about it. If we knew all of the joys and all of the heartaches that we were facing how would we live our lives? Would we spend the waiting for the joy or dreading the heartache? Either of those things would rob us of the precious time that we should have been just living the gifts that we are given.

I hope you have worked through most of your anger. I also hope that you are starting to regain your relationship with God. I can tell you all things will get better but knowing that and feeling it are sometimes very hard to reconcile.

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Wow Nick I just saw this post. Reading it brings back so many memories.

Anger is a major part of grief. I'm sure no one can grieve without the anger. In my case it was threatening to destroy me. It was making me a different person than the one my Johnny loved. I could see that from the beginning but I was just so lost and so angry with everyone and everything. I was never angry at Johnny but I sure was angry with myself.

Some good did come from my anger. It forced me to do a lot of research and in the process I learned to relate to other people better and I learned a lot about drugs and the things I would need to know in my job as a caregiver. I still get angry at times and it will soon be five years sense I lost my Johnny.

As far as my relationship with God. That was something else I had to work through. I was angry that God had not saved his life but even more so I was angry with myself for having so much faith that I didn't see what was happening in time to do something about it. I still had faith but I didn't trust it. I felt that my faith had betrayed me.

I was fortunate to find a place so special that I could feel not only very close to Johnny but even closer to God. I began to realize how much God was directing my life. I also realized that He had led Johnny and I back together. I'll never understand why we were to have only 5 months together but I will always be grateful for those months.

God has plans for us that we will never completely understand. Stop and think about it. If we knew all of the joys and all of the heartaches that we were facing how would we live our lives? Would we spend the waiting for the joy or dreading the heartache? Either of those things would rob us of the precious time that we should have been just living the gifts that we are given.

I hope you have worked through most of your anger. I also hope that you are starting to regain your relationship with God. I can tell you all things will get better but knowing that and feeling it are sometimes very hard to reconcile.

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