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Foot Stomping, Dish Throwing I-Want-My-Mommy-Moment


missyk

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I've been doing "ok" with this grief thing, I really have...up until yesterday. :shock:

We had my baby shower and I was sad for a good portion of the time because Mom wasn't here and all I could think about, as I looked around the room and opened gifts, was that she SHOULD BE HERE for this!!! I've no doubt in my mind that I'm carrying the red-head she always wanted (we'll see if I'm right when he gets here) and it just put me in a mood that wasn't exactly proper for the festivities. As the guests started to depart (and I was giving a big sigh of relief that it was done) I realized that I'd not invited half the people I would have if Mom were alive. I didn't have her to help me make my list this time. I let it go...nothing I could do about it.

Then the rest of the day happened. My daughter's been sick for over a week now...had taken her to the family doctor with weird symptoms of lower abdominal pain, a fever that would NOT go away, and finally after a few days of wait-and-see, a cough. They decided the only thing that it could be was a sinus infection and put her on an antibiotic, cough syrup, and a decongestant and we settled in to wait it out. Yesterday was 4 days on the antibiotic and the cough seemed to have only gotten worse...and then she informed me that she couldn't pee and was having back pain. She's only 8 and would have NO way of "faking" a kidney infection severe enough to cause her to not be able to pass urine. We pack her up and head the 45 minutes to the pediatric ER in Des Moines. She's able to pee there and (LOL, of course!) there's no UTI or any other sort of infection going on with the bladder/kidneys...but, wait...that's not a sinus infection, she actually has pneumonia! So, out goes the cough syrup and decongestant (but keep the antibiotic going...it *should* work) and in comes albuterol to help with the breathing that isn't labored at all and that's why no one suspected it might be pneumonia in the first place.

I walked into our house after getting home and just completely lost it. I felt like a terrible mother, a terrible wife, a terrible person and all I wanted in this whole wide world was to call my MOM...and then I realized I couldn't. I started throwing stuff around, slamming cabinet doors, drawers, the washing machine lid, anything I could get my hands on that would make sounds that were good and loud and destructive. Then I hugged the stuffing out of my husband and daughter, cried until I thought I wouldn't be able to get a breath ever again...and ended up staying up until 4 in the morning in a daze.

I don't think this is ever going to end, sometimes...But I know, in my heart it will.

Sorry for the long post! Guess I just had a bunch on my mind.

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((((Missy))))

I so get the "She should be here!s" I still have them almost every single day. I stomp inside my head more now, I guess (sometimes that'll give you a headache though ;)).

It's so hard when there is so much on your plate and your straddling the world of new life and new grief.

You are a fantastic Mama, and a wonderful, beautiful woman. Your Mom is SO proud of you, and so are we.

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Sounds like a good one! Way to go! Seriously, you've been holding so much inside that this pressure valve was bound to blow sooner or later. I honestly admire your melt-down. You were due.

I had three separate times yesterday when I heard / read something and my first thought was, "Oh! I need to call Mom and tell her." I think this will be with us a long time. Sometimes we will be sad, sometimes we will throw things, sometimes we will cry. I'm so glad for you that you had someone there to hug when you were done. Senind you some cyber-hugs now.

:) Kelly

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You know what Missy...sometimes I have those melt down moments or days I don't feel like I'm living up to my expectations and I don't have any of the good excuses that you do. I am not pregnant, I have not lost either of my parents yet, etc. I can't say for certain but you seem like a pretty good mom, and looks like you were an awesome daughter and I would bet you do pretty well in the wife category as well.

I agree with Kelly, you were due. Allow yourself time to have the BLAHS and then try to regroup.

Hugs to you!

Karen

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Missy.

I am sorry that I have not been here for you, but here I am. My last day of this semester is tomorrow.

You are an awesome mom, wife, and woman. I personally think it is good to let it out. Sometimes we refrain from letting it out and then it takes a toll on our bodies and mental health. You have been in my thoughts so much and so here is a great big hug, cyberstyle.

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Wow Missy, you certainly had your hands full. So sorry about all the grief that had taken place. But when I read it, it seem like just bottled up grief that had to surface.

You are a wonderful mom. You're not a doctor you had no way of knowing. I just they would have caught this in the first place with just a chest x-ray.

I hope she is on the mend and you are feeling much better.

Maryanne

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  • 2 weeks later...

Missy,

What a completely awful time for you. You are not a crappy mom, you are a grieving daughter, a woman about to give birth, a loving mother. And I can so relate to what you just went through. I had to sit through a baby shower without my mom, and my daughter also got pneumonia this year...and she ended up being taken from the pediatrician's office to the ER by ambulance. Talk about guilt. And I battled with a few of the rooms in our house - when I was eight months pregnant (two months after I lost my mom), my husband found me one day in a fetal position just sobbing into piles of maternity clothes I was trying to organize and ended up violently throwing all over the room. They were literally hanging off of the lamps. I think I also was not kind to our bathroom...another sobbing and pregnant fetal position incident with everything thrown into the bathtub.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing what every mom has to do, loving her kids, no matter what devastation has rocked your world, and your family knows it and understands. On top of everything else you are pregnant, and there are no words for what that feels like at a time like this.

Hang in there...

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